In light of people talking about the weaponization of SJW rhetoric by abusers, I just want to talk about something that I have been hashing through mentally for... a very long time, and a framework that helped me a lot, and maybe will help some of you.

Some of you know that I was in a ... not great mental space. For a while.

It persisted longer than my not-great-mental spaces typically persisted.

There were a lot of things that got wrapped into this one, things that I hadn’t addressed and untangled, and things that were brought on by outside forces.

The ones that became more obvious toward the end of 2019 was the whole mess with RWA, which culminated in the ethics complaints and...so much else.

But the reason those complaints hit me so hard was that I’d spent years on the Board, getting complaints from members, which I had to take seriously, where I had to explain myself, where I had to defend and justify...

And it all adds up. It takes a toll.

Writing was hard, because every word I wrote, I could imagine someone twisting and criticizing.

(I just want to point out: my natural anxiety & depression did not help deal with this at all.)

There was...a lot of stuff that helped me slowly climb out of this. I can’t list it all.

But there are a few things I have written down, because they have been so utterly meaningful to me.

1. Stop second-guessing your certainty.

This one was hard for me, because you know what? I don’t want to be That Person who refuses to question whether what I know is right.

I always want to be the person who is willing to consider the possibility that I suck, because I am sure that I do. I am still learning.

But it’s that “always” that will get you.

Giving other people an instant way into my brain, to demand my time, to demand my attention, to demand that I take the time to think, “do I suck?” constantly? Is not good for my brain. Does not make me a better person. Does not help me learn.

There are things I know not to second guess (”we” used loosely)—I’m not going to get into an argument with someone whose premise is that global warming is fake, right? That has to hold true for other things as well.

For me, this is particularly true because there are always people who will say, “Why is CM silent about _______” and I have to admit, that I was internalizing this a lot. Here I am, with a platform and people who listen to me—do I even have a right to be silent if I can do good?

I had to give myself permission to be certain that I was allowed to choose what I talked about. That I could just keep my mouth shut, or not.

That anyone who felt that Courtney Milan‘s time was community property had boundary issues.

That I am *certain* that I spend enough time talking, educating, advocating. And nobody else can take that away from me.

I am also—paradoxically—certain that I’m not going to optimize my time usage. That if someone gave me a big time-o-meter at the end of my life and asked me how I wanted to allocate things, and then made me look at how I *did* allocate things, I would not be on task.

But I am even *more* certain that allocating more time to second-guessing myself would not make the magic perfect time-o-meter in the sky come out more in my favor.

2. I tweeted about this when I was watching it, but I have had these lines from this anime on my desk since January. https://twitter.com/courtneymilan/status/1229612125741404160?s=20

I really, really needed to hear that I was allowed to write for myself. I don’t think I can express how much I needed to hear that.

There is a time when you need to open yourself up for input. There also needs to be time when you close yourself off and let yourself just be you.

The thing about weaponizing social justice rhetoric is that people will make you believe that you must be permanently open. This is impossible, and very bad for you.

Speaking from personal experience.

There must be a balance between being willing to grow, and allowing anyone to force you off-track.

These are boundaries that you draw between yourself and the world: who you let criticize you, what you’re willing to be certain about, what you’re allowed to care about.

Finally, I have this tweet bookmarked and I read it every week or so.

I always try to look at it and remind myself what my work is. What I’m putting out in the world. https://twitter.com/Blackamazon/status/1217215166971965440?s=20

What people think of me? What people say of me? Whether people like me?

This is not my work.

Every time I feel the anxiety rise, or I feel my thoughts begin to cycle, because of something or someone or whatever, I stop and take a deep breath and ask myself: What is the work?

Sometimes, the work really is going to be about myself—about being a better person, about finding ways to be better. And that’s okay.

But the person who’s going to decide that work needs to be done, and when it’s going to be done, is me.

And the flip side of this? The flip side of me drawing these boundaries?

Is that I need to be better at recognizing those boundaries in others. I am literally incapable of making someone else change.

I can make an argument. I can set things forth. And maybe they will change themselves.

But if they refuse to do it? That’s it.

I have not failed; they’ve made a choice.

And so I also need to be better at recognizing boundaries. At saying, “Okay, you know what? I did this, and I am done. And now it’s either ignore/block/mute/move on, depending.”

(By the way, I said “since January” about the anime above, but that’s just 2020 time being what it is. Those episodes weren’t even released in January. I meant February.)