The neighborhood pool board triggered a wine mom refugee crisis after ordering its private security team to begin conquering and holding territory in adjacent subdivisions.

The neighborhood pool’s private security team has liberated the regional branch of the public library and is advancing on the county recycling center.

The wine moms have hired a former special operator to teach them counterinsurgency tactics. They’re doing bayonet drills in the cul de sac.

The county executive has reallocated police funding to gloryhole widening.

The dry cleaner says if I’m ever caught in the crossfire between the wine mom militia and the neighborhood pool’s security force there’s a network of steam tunnels under the shopping center that lead to the arcade in the back of the pizzeria.

The Friends of the Library are massing in the woods behind the regional branch in preparation for retaking the check-out counter and the holds shelf.

The wine moms have established a forward operating base at the bounce house, and their psyops team is working to win hearts and minds on Nextdoor.

The Friends of the Library have successfully assaulted the check-out desk, but unit cohesion has broken down over prior claims to the holds shelf.

The neighborhood pool’s private security force has overrun the government center and captured the county executive. He has agreed to abdicate if the pool board cedes the regional branch to the Friends of the Library as an autonomous zone.

The wine moms have been called in to investigate a shooting at the holds shelf between rival Friends of the Library warlords.

Landscapers allied with power washers have occupied the community center and established an entrenched perimeter from the tennis courts to the trailhead.

A flotilla of food trucks has been diverted from the neighborhood pool by armed separatists from the Whispering Willow HOA.

The barflies at the VFW Hall confiscated all the top-shelf booze, grabbed their bug-out bags, and are heading for the strategically important hill that overlooks the county’s historic town center.

The Wine Moms’ psyops unit has forged secret alliances with nearby daycares and karate dojos, which have agreed to provide safehouses and facilitate contact with sympathizers in their respective networks.

The VFW barflies have created a firebase on Lookout Hill and are attempting to re-establish contact with their former chain of command to call in airstrikes on insurgent positions.

The food truck flotilla has been commandeered by a Friends of the Library warlord to feed her forces.

I begged for something to eat, noting I’m a patron of their book sales.

“Do you have any books on the hold shelf?” she asked.

“Uh, no.”

“Well, then you’re not one of us!”

Their calls for airstrikes spurned by military leadership, the VFW barflies reached out to a former comrade in arms who’s a member of the local flying circus and has access to expired ordnance.

As the food truck flotilla passed the community center, landscapers and power washers emerged from their entrenchments behind the tot lot for a flanking attack, hijacking the bibimbap, jerk chicken, and banh mi trucks.

Disturbing video circulating online of a Friends of the Library warlord threatening to beat her followers with a Rand McNally World Atlas if they don’t prostrate themselves before the hold shelf.

Skirmishing broke out at the Whole Foods after foragers from the Friends of the Library and the Wine Mom Militia couldn’t agree on an equitable division of avocados.

Offered to help the VFW barflies by serving as a forward observer. But they chased me from their encampment when they saw I had a yo-yo in my everyday carry.

Sleepless night in our suburb, after the VFW barflies ordered their friend in the flying circus to swoop over insurgent positions in his bi-plane and light them up with incendiaries. The tree line near our home is still on fire, so we may have to evacuate.

Just saw members of the Wine Mom Militia administering first aid to a wounded Friends of the Library warlord. Perhaps there’s still hope for our community.

My scanner is crackling with transmissions between insurgent groups. Seems someone tipped off the Whispering Willow HOA that the VFW barflies were behind the airstrikes, and now the Wine Moms are negotiating temporary alliances with former enemies to coordinate a counterattack.

A tense 48 hours as factions have been massing at the base of Lookout Hill. The Wine Mom Militia, Friends of the Library Warlords, Neighborhood Pool Security Force, Federation of Landscapers and Power Washers, and Whispering Willow HOA Separatists have encircled the VFW barflies.

With their colorful banners flapping in the breeze, morale is high among the various factions, confident their overwhelming force will easily defeat the VFW barflies. As the Holds Shelf is wheeled to the front of the line, the attack begins in earnest.

A VFW barfly kisses a photo of his son’s everyday carry as the first wave of assaulters are torn to shreds by surplus claymores. The second wave appears to momentarily buckle before regaining confidence, but their lines quickly melt away under the barflies’ superior firepower.

Undaunted, the Wine Mom Militia fix bayonets and with a blood-curdling ululation rally the various factions for a final assault. As the VFW barflies exhaust their ammo, the Wine Moms quickly overrun their positions, giving each one a deep taste of cold steel.

With victory imminent, wave after wave of insurgent forces race to the top of Lookout Hill to begin celebrating. But the last VFW barfly left standing resolves to go out in a blaze of glory: He calls in an airstrike on his own position.

As the Holds Shelf is hauled to the crest, the biplane swoops low over the mass of forces and begins dropping incendiaries, lighting up the entire hilltop in a fearful conflagration. My scanner has gone silent: Half our suburb is dead on the field. May God have mercy on us all.