Read on Twitter
I have never seen the avoidant attachment style done proper justice in attachment literature. It's always kind of villainized and discussed through the lens of the anxious or secure person, rather than approached from a more personal and empathetic perspective.
I have an avoidant attachment style. I'm putting a LOT of conscious work into changing it lately. But here's a what it's like, in more human terms:
1. I am not anti-relationships. I have just never, from the time I was young, pictured my future with a partner in it. I forget to factor partnership into the decisions I make about my future. It's not intentional. It's just not naturally on my radar to think about it.
2. I've fallen in love deeply, more than once. But I feel resistance around making even the smallest of compromises for romantic relationships. It's like I don't understand the point. Why shouldn't we both just do what we want? Emotional intimacy isn't a natural motivator.
3. I feel things deeply but it does not occur to me to seek comfort in other people. This has led to a whole host of unhealthy coping mechanisms that I've been unaware of my own motivation for choosing. Food, booze, drugs, whatever. Something I can source for myself.
4. That being said, I LOVE people. I have very long-lasting friendships, though most of them are with other avoidant people. We rarely talk about our romantic relationships with each other, which I never realized until recently was unusual.
5. For most of my life, I genuinely thought it was securely attached/emotionally available people who were broken. I thought everyone was like me in their heads and the people who blatantly weren't just lacked a sense of self. They could improve themselves into avoidance!
6. In the truest, deepest, most core part of myself, I just don't really *get* emotional intimacy. I just think no one's ever going to fully understand me (not in a douche-y, i'm-so-special way; it just feels like that's the human condition) so oh well.
The gist is: Avoidance isn't an active or intentional thing most of the time. It's more characterized by a LACK of awareness surrounding intimate relationships. More often than we run from them we just... kind of forget or don't see the point of them.
I recently read the book 'Fat Is A Family Affair' by Judi Hollis and it was one of the most riveting books I've ever read because she essentially just teaches the reader how to stop using food & substances for comfort and instead seek comfort in other people.
I cannot tell you how ground-breaking that concept was for me: The idea that other people could be sources of comfort. And that kind of sums up the whole avoidant thing. We can & often do love the shit out of people. We're just disconnected from the fact that we also need them.
