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Here is the separate thread I promised @yourewrongabout on why abusive relationships can feel so “addicting,” and just a few of many reasons why no one should ever ask a survivor why they didn't leave the relationship sooner. 1/10
Every relationship starts out happy, but these can start out intensely so, since we know that Intensity is a hallmark of many abusive relationships. It’s a very high high. No one goes into a relationship expecting it to be bad or abusive. 2/10
In the cycle of violence, the tension gradually builds. We start to see red flags that can be difficult to detect because many are normalized in our society. This means it can be really hard to see the early warning signs like Guilting, Manipulation, or Possessiveness. 3/10
This tension will build to the most overt form of abuse yet, whether it's verbal, intimidation, physical, or sexual. What happens afterward is key. The abuser apologizes, promises to change, might be overly affectionate, give gifts, etc. 4/10
There’s a thing called trauma bonding. After we go through a traumatic event with someone, we feel closer to them, even if they caused the trauma. It’s an unfortunate phenomenon for survivors because it makes you feel like your fights make you a "stronger couple." 5/10
The cycle then starts over with another honeymoon phase and continues, with the cycle typically growing shorter and more dangerous each time. It can feel like the good times are what you’re truly like as a couple and the bad times are just the exception to the rule. 6/10
Unfortunately, the whole picture is the whole picture, but it’s hard to see the forest from the trees. It’s hard to be an objective observer of any relationship you're in, even when it’s a healthy one. When it’s abusive, it’s ten times harder to see what's happening to you. 7/10
So you go through this roller coaster of really high highs and really low lows and you just keep holding out for, or working toward, the next honeymoon phase, but you have no control over the coaster because you’re at the whim of your partner’s volatile reactions. 8/10
It take survivors an average of 7 tries to successfully leave a relationship for good. Abusive relationships are about Power, Entitlement, and Control. When the survivor tries to leave, the abuser will go to more drastic (read: violent) lengths to regain control. 9/10
The One Love Foundation @Join1Love and http://loveisrespect.org are both excellent resources to learn more about relationship violence. 10/10
