So. An agent reached out to me overnight about a rejection she'd sent me in 2018. I'd found the language a bit jarring then and had, v. politely, told her that it was OK that my book wasn't for her but she might consider rephrasing her rejections for the next writer of color. 1/n

We'd gone back and forth for a couple of emails then and she'd insisted it wasn't race discrimination, she only wanted to take on books she was "in love with" so she could do them justice, etc. I said: no worries; you're going to invest so much time and effort into a book+ 2/n

+so I totally get it. But don't you think that "in love with" is too subjective because it means you'll pick books that reflect your own experiences, corroborate your value/belief systems, etc.? She argued against that, of course. And, not wanting to burn bridges, I left it. 3/n

Last night's email was an apology. I can't share her name or the note but she said that, with all the publishing dramas this year, she's been rethinking her book-picking. She has to run her business, put food on the table, etc. And she's at the mercy of publishers' whims too. 4/n

She wrote that she sees how the system works against minority writers if the majority focuses on what they "love." Helping bring a book to the world should be about more. It should be about whether the work has defensible literary merit (also subjective but not as much);+ 5/n

+about whether the work has important things to say about culture, history, the way we live now; about whether it draws a larger circumference of meaning around the places, people, and themes it presents. I'm paraphrasing here but that's the gist. 6/n

I haven't responded yet because I don't know what to say. She was in a long line of very similar nos I got for #EachofUsKillers ("like it, but don't love it"; "love your writing and would prefer to see a novel first"; "lovely stories but not for me"; etc.) since April 2017. 7/n

Since then, the book had a painful journey where I worked with and walked away from three publishers. After putting three years into writing the book, it's taken another three years to get out into the world. And it's due out in an election year with several other challenges. 8/n

I'm not a young 'un. I know this first book is going to make or break my #stillemerging writing career. It could have been different if, perhaps, one of those agents had taken a chance on me as they've done with many other debuts. Not feeling sorry for myself or angry at her. 9/n

I'm grateful that she sent this note two years on. I'm wondering how many other writers like me are out there and how many gave up entirely like I was close to doing. We're not saving lives with this writing thing. We can afford to take a few risks now and then. That's all. 10/n