(thread) #BlackAtR29 I want to preface this by saying ask any of my closest friends, @Refinery29 was my DREAM place to work. prayed on it, manifested it, danced with glee when I got the opportunity to join the video team in LA…

as an intern. coming off a role as a production coordinator at a stale studio, I was excited at the opportunity to get a hands-on role at one of the leading places on the internet for millennial women.

I was “up and coming” (something that would be dangled over my head for the close to 2 years I worked at the company) and was enticed by the ability to expand my portfolio although it came with a DEEP pay cut. so deep I also picked up dog sitting on the side..

but being young, and at an age that I could still be covered under my mother’s health insurance for at least another year, I was in a privileged position to take the risk. my hope being that I would be able to work my ass off, prove my worth and adjustments would be made.

to be #blackatr29 is to be overworked, overqualified, under appreciated, and often as was in my case underpaid. it’s to be told by your executive producer on countless occasions that “you could do my job better than me” but to be dissuaded when you ask for a promotion.

its to not only be denied a title commiserate to the work you do but to also never receive credit for said work which is a known form of currency in the media industry.

of the many egregious things that occurred & continue to occur at r29, one in particular stands out for me the most.

in the summer of 2017, I gained access to the most tender story from a Black transgender woman who was about to undergo facial feminization surgery.

after speaking with her and gaining her trust, she was willing to allow me to follow her with cameras to document her at undoubtedly her most vulnerable state for r29.

after capturing a load of footage from her doctors visits, a sit down interview with her and the surgery itself my executive producer approached me with an idea of what existing series this story could fit in.

the existing series suggested was “how stuff is made”. a series that typically features how PRODUCTS are made. think a behind the scenes of the factories of your favorite lip gloss, bronzer, or even ice cream. the title suggested? “how TRANSformations are made”. I was shocked.

I immediately hid the signed releases and deleted them from the servers for fear of what might happen to this story. I was adamant that if we could not agree on a series then maybe it needed to stand alone or not be published at all.

the story was powerful and in no way did it fit in the confines of the narrated step by step machine operated series. so we sat on it. for a year. until we were finally able to find it a proper home.

it remains the proudest thing I’ve produced thus far in my career. but also reminds me of the lack of sound and sensitive leadership that still exists.

I thank @AshleyAlese for igniting this conversation and allowing the space for us to air out our grievances and space to see, feel and claim a power that was so often silenced.

And I thank friends who have urged me to join this conversation. I have repressed most of the things I experienced in my time at r29 and have tried to distance myself from any association but there is no doubt it deeply affected my sense of self-worth.

I am lucky I have been able to maintain my dignity and principles despite such a dehumanizing experience. it has armed me with the tools to be an even more effective leader and producer as I continue to master my craft.

And to the women whom refinery was made for, a conversation shared over text in 2018 about this very subject with my late friend Lyric Mchenry illuminates so much of what I’m currently feeling:

I produced my ass off. We all produced, wrote, created our asses off and no meaningful adjustments were made. #BlackAtR29 #BlackTransLivesMatter