Read on Twitter
I had a lot of questions about what this means, I thought I would explain it and how it manifests: https://twitter.com/khanstopme/status/1267959785250578432
When I say ”token friend” - I was kinda sarcastically referring to the BAME/POC friends you may have in your friendship groups. They are likely be the only, or one of the only, non-white person in the friendship group/social circle (Common in the UK, approx 86% white)
In times when white people are generally made aware or start talking about race/race relations, it’s pretty natural to want to talk to your friends (or co-workers, peers etc), especially those who are not white.
When your friendship group is usually comprised of very few, if not just one POC, everyone will be having conversations with them. They will be having a lot more conversations about this than with just you.
These are conversations in which white folks are understandably shocked, confused or outraged by what’s happening. They may be discovering or confronting these issues somewhat for the first time.
In order for POC/BAME people to express to their white friends what they need and could improve within themselves, they have to criticise and/or bring up their whiteness and/or their privilege.
In doing so, POC/BAME people have to anticipate and manage the emotional journey their white friends will go on when their whiteness and advantages that they have as a result, are attacked.
POC will have to dance around the concept of racism due to a phenomenon called White Fragility. This essentially means that when white people are being confronted with thier own whiteness, especially the racial biases that come with that, they can shut down/take offense easily.
This can mean they will feel as though they are being called a racist (even when nobody has explicitly said or even remotely suggested they are a racist).
Sometimes, simply mentioning an example of racial insensitivity white people could work on or disagreeing with thier stance/behaviour towards a race issue can mean the conversation could break into defensiveness & anger.
They will be offended and/or shutdown from the conversation. They’ll feel betrayed by their POC/BAME friend. They will feel hurt that their friend, who knows them, is implying they are racist (even if they are not say that) when they are friends and they love their friend.
They will be hurt by the fact that they feel like their friendship is being undermined by the conversation which may be explaining how they behave in a way that has a racial bias. They will be more hurt than they will be listening.
The conversation is likely devolve into an argument because white people feel hurt by the fact that they are being told they might do things that are racially insensitive. They can see this as an attack on their friendship & their own idea of how not racist they are.
So, in order for POC/BAME people to have race conversations with their white friends, they have to actively be making that calculation as they have the conversation; being reassuring and soft in order to make sure their white fragility doesn’t turn the conversation sour.
They will be anticipating their white friend’s emotional state and then trying to reassure them in order to keep them on side whilst also having a conversation that criticises their whiteness.
When you are the token friend and your white friends only know a few non-white people, you can end up having this conversation with 10s, even 100s of people, in groups or privately, all the while trying to manage their emotional response(s).
At the same time, you yourself still have to be their friend during it all, you’ll have to be understanding and kind as they grieve their own conception of how non-racist they are.
If you are the only non-white person they know, it feels especially important to get the conversation right and there can be an added pressure.
This means it can be hard to communicate with white people who see themselves as liberal & open-minded. They often exempt themselves from personal responsibility & criticism around race b/c they see themselves as educated on the topic. This can highten their white fragility.
Taking a moment to reflect on why you feel hurt or offended by a conversation around race and taking the time to have a conversation with yourself can go a long way.
In fact, your non-white friends might just get tired and give up or lose thier cool. Or be tired as just tell you they agree with you to end the conversation, avoid an argument or not open that can of worms.
Doesn’t mean they’re points should be dismissed.
Doesn’t mean they’re points should be dismissed.
I would recommend reading Robin DiAngelo’s interview on White Fragility or her book ‘White Fragility’: https://edition.cnn.com/2020/06/07/health/white-fragility-robin-diangelo-wellness/index.html
Additionally, this article by Reni Eddo-Lodge ( @renireni) or the book by the same name. https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/30/why-im-no-longer-talking-to-white-people-about-race
