"This is the new normal," they cry. "This is now our brave new world. Do not venture from your square, for you will certainly be beaten down and placed in jail."

The "new normal" seems a very weird and disturbing brave new world. "For your own safety, sir and madam, please don these funny hats when entering our establishment."

The "new normal" has progressed to the point where sex dolls are able to attend soccer games without fear of being accosted. No word on how loudly they moaned for the home team.

In this "new normal" world of ours, nurses come to work in lingerie underneath see-through protective gear. Alas, it is not because they are playing the role of a sexy nurse in an adult film, but rather because no one gives them scrubs to wear underneath.

Citizens are allotted one circle per social distancing team and one tab of Soma® each, according to the strict new guidelines of our brave new world. Much like in sumo wrestling, if they step out of the circle, it's game over.

"We love plastic so much now!" exclaimed Suzie. "Before, we thought it was killing the planet, but it turns out to be the only thing keeping us alive!"

It was a standoff, but in this "new normal" of the wild, wild west, it was one like the world had never seen before. An intercom mumbled vaguely in the distance. The elevator pinged the arrival to the desired floor. And then someone coughed.

In the "new normal" of this brave new world, some of the worst casualties were the animals at the zoo. Stuck inside their enclosures, all they could do day after day was to sit, panting in the hot sun, watching as people stared at them in wonder.

"Five minutes," she was told. Five minutes was it. Five minutes to visit Inmate #8675309, the one formerly known as her mother. She'd committed no actual crime, but the mask police had come for her anyway. Now, bonding was just five minutes at a time behind a wall of glass.

The date had started normal enough. The standard "air five" across the street upon meeting. Separate cab rides to the restaurant. Prison visitation style seating. But Andrew seemed distant. Kim wondered if it was more than just the fact he couldn't hear what she was saying.

"What?"

"Huh?"

"Say again?"

"Sorry, one more time!"

The new social distancing rules of our "new normal" were especially cruel to the hard of hearing.

In the "new normal" of our brave new world, neon space suits will become mandatory for going out to a club. Your suit may be rented from entertainment venues where you can be assured they are mostly cleaned and sterilized prior to use.

In our brave new world, the "new normal" of mask-wearing requires all women to be dressed entirely in masks. This may cause certain issues in the winter months such as frostbite and hypothermia, but those are consequences we are forced to accept.

The "new normal" in our brave new world requires newly-produced children to participate in a mock gun fight to prepare them for the battles over toilet paper in Costco and Walmart during the coming years.

Mask wearing shall be enforced across the board, to anyone and anything outside of residences during this "new normal" in our brave new world.

She sat in solitude. She needed another drink and some more napkins, but the serving staff would not hear her. Not with the cone of shame around her the way it was. Dining in public in this "new normal" was sometimes problematic. One always had to be prepared for the loneliness.

One bonus that we're seeing with the "new normal" in our brave new world is gold crowns given out for those who successfully demonstrate they are social distancing as an appropriate response to government demands. Silver crowns to be given out to those who dox the non-compliant.

She'd been on bad dates before, but none like this. She couldn't hear a thing the guy was saying and she couldn't excuse herself to powder her nose. She was trapped inside a cloud of her own carbon dioxide. And the waiter refused to come within six feet to refill her wine glass.

In the "new normal" of our brave new world, law enforcement was suddenly deemed problematic. A new, more enlightened law enforcement was quickly established, much to the delight of job-seeking LARPers everywhere.

While the Betas in our political sphere have not been replaced or retired, the "new normal" now requires them to pander only in uniform Kente attire from Ashanti slave traders who they have just discovered for the first time via a quick internet search.

In our "new normal," small factions splintered off from mainstream society to form their own autonomous zones, many governed by benevolent beatings and arbitrary decision-making of warlords fervently trying to appear more "Bad Santa" than "Mad Max."

In our brave new world, gardens, once a thing of the past, sprang up again in cities and communes across the land. Alas, they would bear no fruit and would soon die, as the cardboard base limited the depth of the soil they grew in.

Sleeping quarters are redefined in the "new normal" of our brave new world. As enlightenment grows, more citizens are eschewing the traditional comfort of a walled and roofed bedroom for more open air, free space zen zones. 4 AM calls of nature, however, have proven problematic.

In our "new normal," denizens may no longer venture out into the brave new world unless securely inside portable "safe zones." These "safe zones" provide a barrier from unwanted speech, give the user a sense of equality with others, and are color-coded by the user's ethnicity.

In the "new normal" of this brave new world, it took a bit to get used to the hyperbaric chamber rather than open-air dining. She had gotten the bends on several dates, and once a date passed gas so violently oxygen couldn't be pumped in fast enough and they had to be evacuated.

The chemical cleaners didn't mix well with protein supplements and if he used heavier weights the smell made him vomit, but this was the "new normal" of his brave new world. Still, the plastic safe spaces muffled the agonized grunts of the lady power-lifting next to him.

The "new normal" felt lonely in this brave new world, being assigned to a small circle of trust without the chance for close human companionship. Still, it could be worse. The empty chairs were stark reminders of what would happen if someone violated their circle of trust.

Going from "Upward Facing Dog" into the "Take Me, Instructor" pose wan't nearly as exciting as it had been prior to the new normal of this brave new world. She could feel his hands grip her thighs, but it was only her imagination; the Plexiglas yoga domes prevented that now.

In this "new normal" of our brave new world, dining out had all the perks of before—tables, chairs, napkins—but with the added refinements of asphalt flooring, dank concrete ambiance, and the smell of carbon monoxide exhaust fumes. Perfect for a family outing.

Just when she thought the "new normal" couldn't get worse, it got better. Gone were the masks, the face shields, the bandannas. In their place was a simple dog cone. It was so much more comfortable. The only downside was that she couldn't lick her own ass anymore.

The air inside the small plastic enclosures was stifling. It smelled strongly of Yellow Number Two and baby powder-covered sweat. The math problems jumped around on the page. At least the mask hides most of my crying, he thought, glancing at the clock. It seemed to tick backward.

Gone were the rows of seating. Gone was the mosh pit, the roped off section just below the stage the groupies used to press against. Now the groupies were assigned to separate enclosures. They sat, like pens of cattle, waiting for the auction to begin.

In the "new normal" of our brave new world, citizens are quick to demand all individuals have the right to believe and act exactly as they are told they should. Anyone who violates that right will be assimilated.

Stay in your squares. Do not leave the boundaries. Do not sit or lay down. Do not remove your masks and face shields. Anyone who violates these orders must report to the table in the rear of the classroom for reeducation.

They were not doctors, or nurses, or hazmat specialists, but in this brave new world, they could all play dress up and pretend that they were. And the moral superiority it afforded them was so, so nice.

Judd sensed on some level that the new uniform accoutrements weren't all they professed to be, but he understood they provided more than ample protection from the most dangerous threat: Karen, who would most definitely notice if he failed to don them.

Maria had never been camping. All she wanted was a good chicken parm and a side salad, but in this brave new world, that came with the full camping experience. All that lacked was bug spray, but with Chad's Anarchy-scented Axe Body Spray™ permeating the tent, they had that too.

Flatulence hung heavy in the icy air, like a Tupperware container of eggs left too long in a picnic basket, trapped inside the makeshift outdoor-indoor dining tent. And her sweater didn't cut much of the subzero chill. Still, in this brave new world, you took what they allowed.

Lei had had just about enough dating via social dating apps. She was tired of seeing men only on the tiny screen of her phone. So when Lu asked her out on a date, she was delighted. Little did she know they'd have to converse via their phones the whole time.

Ray had been looking forward to going out drinking with the boys for months, but barely halfway through the appetizers, the boys were already drunk enough to start playing bumper cars with the tables. Shattered glass and sticky rum drinks were everywhere, even in his underwear.

Jackie was careful. The virus was invisible, but as long as he kept it on his left and away from the breathing hole on the right side of his mask, he was safe. The only problem was that it kept fogging whenever a hot girl walked by.

This brave new world scared Linn more than she wanted to admit, and far more than she was willing to let others see. She needed to blend in, to act like all the others around her, even if it meant wearing two masks and a sawed-off two-liter bottle of Moxie over her head.

Feng hated feeding the mutants. They were horrifying, ghastly. But in this brave new world, Arie did as he was told lest "feeding the mutants" take on a whole different meaning. Still, the sight of them curdled his blood. They were hungry, and almost ready to be released.