I'm watching Columbo for the first time and i love it
a killer: lieutenant columbo, you are a shambles. an upturned handbag of a man
columbo: aw gee y'know you're right there
a killer: *in prison* wait how
never murder a person who owns a parrot. just don't do it
i'm one and a third episodes of columbo in and i no longer believe in alibis. you were conducting an orchestra on live tv when the body was found? i don't care. you did it
columbo: can we go in to the music studio
security guard: sure. who's that
columbo: it's a little girl i picked up from her ballet class. she's here to identify a murderer. okay if i smoke?
security guard: everything about this is fine
dj khaled, wow. yknow sir me and my wife, we're huge fans. real huge fans yes sir. gee we even quit doing cunnilingus when you said it was uhhh. what's the word? anyway we found you very persuasive sir thank you
i'm sorry ma'am i couldn't help noticing that fine pussy of yours. gee whiz what i wouldn't give to have a go on a pussy like that! you mind if i take a shot at it? thank you ma'am very kind
say, what's the upkeep on a pussy like that? oh no ma'am, i'm not implying anything. whoever killed the wax museum owner, maybe it has something to do with the national shortage of pussy wax and maybe it doesn't
don't complain. if you're reading this you and i both know you don't respect yourself
the wife: oh NO my husband is DEAD this is so BAD
columbo: yes i uhhh. i'm sorry for your loss i really am
definitely the killer: here are EIGHT ways that evidence could have gotten there. i am VERY clever and utterly dispassionate about my dead nephew or cousin or whoever
10 CLUES You In Your Hubris Thought Lieutenant Columbo Wouldn't Catch (Number Ten Will Amaze You!)
you, stupid: columbo doesn't have a wife. who would let him walk around like that
me, smart: columbo's wife rumples his trenchcoat for him every night on a rumpling board. it's a reverse ironing board
columbo walked confidently into a swimming pool and acted confused and annoyed when his foot got wet
it keeps bugging me that kate mulgrew played mrs columbo. it doesn't make sense for columbo's wife to be twelve years old but it does explain why his mother in law doesn't like him
leonard nimoy is in this one and it's so weird to see him play a human being
mister spock just killed a lady with a hammer! that is against the prime directive, viz, that a robot cannot harm a human with a hammer
lt columbo is eating a hard boiled egg at a crime scene
columbo: my wife got depressed, she thought she was getting too fat. then she saw your television programme
gym murderer: and now she's thin?
columbo: oh no, she got so busy doing your exercises she forgot to be depressed
me: i love you lieutenant
columbo cares about his wife's happiness and not her weight. also he solved the murder or whatever
tali is here and she's hooked on COLUMB
gee yknow i'm sorry sir, i hate to admit it but uhhh. i took a bath in your house
well i saw that rubber ducky and i thought, what the hell. i'm gonna take a bath in a stranger's house. i know sir, what was i thinkin, but yknow what? that's a beautiful bathtub sir. a real top notch wash coffin
uhhh one more thing ma'am. well i know we were making love and now you probably want to get some rest but i couldn't help but notice one thing. you didn't achieve orgasm. now that's my fault, i didn't make your toes curl, i know that ma'am and i'm sorry
editor's note. columbo would never cheat, he calls his wife ma'am
on our wedding night mrs columbo - well, you don't wanna hear all this sir, it's not very interesting - truth be told, my wife is an incredible woman. she sucked me cross eyed sir
i will not spend my life APOLOGISING for my tweets
writing a spec script called Young Columbo about an arrogant know it all young detective who learns how to act stupid....................from me
in the last episode i give him my raincoat and old car and a piano immediately falls on my head, obliterating me
oh my goodness this episode starts with mrs columbo's funeral!!!! made her toes curl too hard rip ma'am
mrs columbo is alive and well, the funeral was part of a trap for a lady who tried to kill mrs columbo. there was a coffin and everything which is so expensive omg
now i'm on the panties episode the episode where columbo keeps saying the word Panties
the episode where columbo looks at a dog vagina
mrs columbo: i will only marry you if i am never seen or heard by anyone you know
columbo: are you an elf or are you doing a bit
mrs columbo: both. Haha
columbo's dog also fucks
columbo was undercover as a crime man and said the R word. my goodness
columbo asked the murderer to come with him to check something out and said "three eyes are better than one" columbo has one eye CANON
lieutenant. you walked away with my heart
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