For Tonight's #StayAtHomeSafari I have decided to list and CORRECT the state Extant Dinosaurs of each state.

I'll be going reverse alphabetically.

Because if Alabama is going to be last in education and near last in Health Care, Economy, and Opportunity, it can damn well wait.
So we begin: Wyoming! With the Western Meadowlark.

I could joke about Wyoming not existing, but no shade - the bird is small, AS REFLECTS THE POPULATION OF WYOMING, but loud, AS REFLECTS ITS OUTSIZE PER CAPITA INFLUENCE IN GOVERNMENT.

Also yellow is pretty.

#StayAtHomeSafari
So we begin: Wyoming! With the Western Meadowlark.I could joke about Wyoming not existing, but no shade - the bird is small, AS REFLECTS THE POPULATION OF WYOMING, but loud, AS REFLECTS ITS OUTSIZE PER CAPITA INFLUENCE IN GOVERNMENT.Also yellow is pretty. #StayAtHomeSafari
So we begin: Wyoming! With the Western Meadowlark.I could joke about Wyoming not existing, but no shade - the bird is small, AS REFLECTS THE POPULATION OF WYOMING, but loud, AS REFLECTS ITS OUTSIZE PER CAPITA INFLUENCE IN GOVERNMENT.Also yellow is pretty. #StayAtHomeSafari
So we begin: Wyoming! With the Western Meadowlark.I could joke about Wyoming not existing, but no shade - the bird is small, AS REFLECTS THE POPULATION OF WYOMING, but loud, AS REFLECTS ITS OUTSIZE PER CAPITA INFLUENCE IN GOVERNMENT.Also yellow is pretty. #StayAtHomeSafari
Good on you, Wyoming. You can keep it.

(unless otherwise described in-picture, all of the pictures in this thread will be described in the text. I'm really struggling to remember to do alt text here).
Moving on: Wisconsin! #StayAtHomeSafari

Now y'all have the American Robin, and that's a great choice! Red breast in winter!

But unfortunately, there's a *strong* running for keeping the Robin (3 states!) and unfortunately, y'all gave us Scott Walker.

So it's not looking good.
Unfortunately, Mr. Walker has brought down your state's otherwise excellent reputation of Cheese, Good Beer, and Stout Norse Women.

You have been granted instead the Yellow-Bellied Tyrant Flycatcher, for reasons that he should make obvious.

#StayAtHomeSafari
There are no bad birds, but I hope you take a moment with this v. v. good chonky boi, and think about what you've done.

Better luck next year, Wisconsin.

#StayAtHomeSafari
There are no bad birds, but I hope you take a moment with this v. v. good chonky boi, and think about what you've done.Better luck next year, Wisconsin. #StayAtHomeSafari
There are no bad birds, but I hope you take a moment with this v. v. good chonky boi, and think about what you've done.Better luck next year, Wisconsin. #StayAtHomeSafari
There are no bad birds, but I hope you take a moment with this v. v. good chonky boi, and think about what you've done.Better luck next year, Wisconsin. #StayAtHomeSafari
West Virginia! The state that broke away from Virginia, because Fuck Slavery! The state that gave us the @McElroyFamily! The state that was so prominent in the labor movement! You're the first (of many!) to the cardinal, and you know what? You get to keep it!

#StayAtHomeSafari
That said... West Virginia, y'all know you have some work to do.

So your Cardinal is *specifically* a cardinal who is molting. Shedding some bullshit that's been weighing it down and growing in ways that will help.

I believe you can get there. Do better.

#StayAtHomeSafari
That said... West Virginia, y'all know you have some work to do.So your Cardinal is *specifically* a cardinal who is molting. Shedding some bullshit that's been weighing it down and growing in ways that will help.I believe you can get there. Do better. #StayAtHomeSafari
That said... West Virginia, y'all know you have some work to do.So your Cardinal is *specifically* a cardinal who is molting. Shedding some bullshit that's been weighing it down and growing in ways that will help.I believe you can get there. Do better. #StayAtHomeSafari
That said... West Virginia, y'all know you have some work to do.So your Cardinal is *specifically* a cardinal who is molting. Shedding some bullshit that's been weighing it down and growing in ways that will help.I believe you can get there. Do better. #StayAtHomeSafari
Washington State: You have the American Goldfinch.

And I'm sorry, but a dainty little songbird common across the US does not adequately personify the supremely weird, supremely wild, supremely DAMP existence that is Washington.

Change is hard, but necessary.

#StayAtHomeSafari
WASHINGTON MEET THE MARBLED MURRELET I THINK YOU'LL LOVE HIM.

#StayAtHomeSafari
This absolute puffchonker who swims after fishes, which the fish certainly weren't fucking expecting, & is effectively a penguin that can fly, which NOBODY ELSE WAS EXPECTING.

They're a cousin of the puffin, and I think you'll love them.

Enjoy, Washington.

#StayAtHomeSafari
This absolute puffchonker who swims after fishes, which the fish certainly weren't fucking expecting, & is effectively a penguin that can fly, which NOBODY ELSE WAS EXPECTING.They're a cousin of the puffin, and I think you'll love them.Enjoy, Washington. #StayAtHomeSafari
This absolute puffchonker who swims after fishes, which the fish certainly weren't fucking expecting, & is effectively a penguin that can fly, which NOBODY ELSE WAS EXPECTING.They're a cousin of the puffin, and I think you'll love them.Enjoy, Washington. #StayAtHomeSafari
This absolute puffchonker who swims after fishes, which the fish certainly weren't fucking expecting, & is effectively a penguin that can fly, which NOBODY ELSE WAS EXPECTING.They're a cousin of the puffin, and I think you'll love them.Enjoy, Washington. #StayAtHomeSafari
Virginia:

I'm so very sorry, but the Northern Cardinal has already been taken. You should have been more creative.

That said, you were good to me while I lived there, so you deserve a striking bird with something Red.

#StayAtHomeSafari
So, in honor of my time there (along the Chesapeake) and your long Naval history:

The Eastern Black Rail.

It's wonderful and wild, but endangered and in need of support - just like Virginia's progressive politics, and good standing as a state.

#StayAtHomeSafari
So, in honor of my time there (along the Chesapeake) and your long Naval history:The Eastern Black Rail.It's wonderful and wild, but endangered and in need of support - just like Virginia's progressive politics, and good standing as a state. #StayAtHomeSafari
So, in honor of my time there (along the Chesapeake) and your long Naval history:The Eastern Black Rail.It's wonderful and wild, but endangered and in need of support - just like Virginia's progressive politics, and good standing as a state. #StayAtHomeSafari
So, in honor of my time there (along the Chesapeake) and your long Naval history:The Eastern Black Rail.It's wonderful and wild, but endangered and in need of support - just like Virginia's progressive politics, and good standing as a state. #StayAtHomeSafari
That's the new State Bird of Washington show some respect. https://twitter.com/Oral_mfc/status/1245197300131037184
Keep it up, Washington, and your state bird will go back to a toss-up between the greater patchouli-scented hackeysack and the heavy-handed golf-disc.

https://twitter.com/partlycloudypat/status/1245199380648349701
SO BACK TO IT WITH Vermont.

Y'all have the Hermit Thrush, and Walt Whitman (of whom I' know you're VERY fond) thought it represented the "Finest Sound in Nature" and the symbol of American Voice.

And it's very... Puritan.

Y'all can do better than this.

#StayAtHomeSafari
So, respecting your TINY state's desire for a tiny bird, your traditions of folk song, and the sheer number of you who are CONSTANTLY up and down the fucking mountains,

& w/ hope that your VERY white state isn't afraid of a little color:

The American Redstart. #StayAtHomeSafari
Specifically, an American Redstart couple, courting in a Maple Tree, as your ancient traditions dictate.

Save me an apple cider doughnut.

Godspeed, Vermont.

#StayAtHomeSafari
Specifically, an American Redstart couple, courting in a Maple Tree, as your ancient traditions dictate.Save me an apple cider doughnut.Godspeed, Vermont. #StayAtHomeSafari
Specifically, an American Redstart couple, courting in a Maple Tree, as your ancient traditions dictate.Save me an apple cider doughnut.Godspeed, Vermont. #StayAtHomeSafari
Specifically, an American Redstart couple, courting in a Maple Tree, as your ancient traditions dictate.Save me an apple cider doughnut.Godspeed, Vermont. #StayAtHomeSafari
Never trust a cop.

(Or google image search, apparently.) https://twitter.com/neznaja/status/1245205140803444738
Utah.

Utah, What am I going to do with you?

On the one hand, your settlements were *absolutely saved* by your bird. You built a STATUE.

On the other hand, it's the CALIFORNIA Gull. It's only really year-round (purple) in Box Elder County. It's an IDAHO bird.

#StayAtHomeSafari
Utah.Utah, What am I going to do with you?On the one hand, your settlements were *absolutely saved* by your bird. You built a STATUE.On the other hand, it's the CALIFORNIA Gull. It's only really year-round (purple) in Box Elder County. It's an IDAHO bird. #StayAtHomeSafari
Utah.Utah, What am I going to do with you?On the one hand, your settlements were *absolutely saved* by your bird. You built a STATUE.On the other hand, it's the CALIFORNIA Gull. It's only really year-round (purple) in Box Elder County. It's an IDAHO bird. #StayAtHomeSafari
Utah.Utah, What am I going to do with you?On the one hand, your settlements were *absolutely saved* by your bird. You built a STATUE.On the other hand, it's the CALIFORNIA Gull. It's only really year-round (purple) in Box Elder County. It's an IDAHO bird. #StayAtHomeSafari
So here's what I'm gonna do Utah.

Still a gull, but you get the Ring-Billed Gull. Striking. Fierce. Weird.

AND, I KID YOU NOT, WHILE ALL OVER UTAH, DOES NO BREEDING AROUND SALT LAKE CITY.

IT'S LIKE IT'S OUT OF RESPECT OR SOMETHING, THEY NIX THE FREAKY SHIT. #StayAtHomeSafari
So here's what I'm gonna do Utah.Still a gull, but you get the Ring-Billed Gull. Striking. Fierce. Weird.AND, I KID YOU NOT, WHILE ALL OVER UTAH, DOES NO BREEDING AROUND SALT LAKE CITY.IT'S LIKE IT'S OUT OF RESPECT OR SOMETHING, THEY NIX THE FREAKY SHIT. #StayAtHomeSafari
So here's what I'm gonna do Utah.Still a gull, but you get the Ring-Billed Gull. Striking. Fierce. Weird.AND, I KID YOU NOT, WHILE ALL OVER UTAH, DOES NO BREEDING AROUND SALT LAKE CITY.IT'S LIKE IT'S OUT OF RESPECT OR SOMETHING, THEY NIX THE FREAKY SHIT. #StayAtHomeSafari
So here's what I'm gonna do Utah.Still a gull, but you get the Ring-Billed Gull. Striking. Fierce. Weird.AND, I KID YOU NOT, WHILE ALL OVER UTAH, DOES NO BREEDING AROUND SALT LAKE CITY.IT'S LIKE IT'S OUT OF RESPECT OR SOMETHING, THEY NIX THE FREAKY SHIT. #StayAtHomeSafari
Texas. The Lone Star State.

Y'all have the Northern Mockingbird, and y'all, I love a Corvid as much as the next dinosaur enthusiast, but nothing about this screams "Texas" except the wings KIND OF look like a longhorn skull.

Fuck Longhorns.

Go Aggies.

#StayAtHomeSafari
Texas. The Lone Star State.Y'all have the Northern Mockingbird, and y'all, I love a Corvid as much as the next dinosaur enthusiast, but nothing about this screams "Texas" except the wings KIND OF look like a longhorn skull.Fuck Longhorns.Go Aggies. #StayAtHomeSafari
Texas. The Lone Star State.Y'all have the Northern Mockingbird, and y'all, I love a Corvid as much as the next dinosaur enthusiast, but nothing about this screams "Texas" except the wings KIND OF look like a longhorn skull.Fuck Longhorns.Go Aggies. #StayAtHomeSafari
Instead, and frankly you should have seen this coming, you get a bird who DESPITE ALL OF ITS RELATIVES BEING WADING BIRDS IN WETLANDS, loves the open prairie, and hangs out with fucking cows.

The Cattle Egret. It's obvious. You should have seen it yourself. #StayAtHomeSafari
Instead, and frankly you should have seen this coming, you get a bird who DESPITE ALL OF ITS RELATIVES BEING WADING BIRDS IN WETLANDS, loves the open prairie, and hangs out with fucking cows.The Cattle Egret. It's obvious. You should have seen it yourself. #StayAtHomeSafari
Instead, and frankly you should have seen this coming, you get a bird who DESPITE ALL OF ITS RELATIVES BEING WADING BIRDS IN WETLANDS, loves the open prairie, and hangs out with fucking cows.The Cattle Egret. It's obvious. You should have seen it yourself. #StayAtHomeSafari
Seriously, Texas.

You're welcome.

#StayAtHomeSafari
Seriously, Texas.You're welcome. #StayAtHomeSafari
Seriously, Texas.You're welcome. #StayAtHomeSafari
Seriously, Texas.You're welcome. #StayAtHomeSafari
Now Tennessee.

I came up right on the other side of the Blue Ridge so I've got some feelings 'bout this. Like Texas you picked the Northern Mockingbird - a rural bird which adapts well to the city. Scrappy. Tough.

Here's one surfing a goddamn Red-Tailed Hawk.

#StayAtHomeSafari
But that one was from Philly.

Because of course it was.

Because of course the "FUCK YOU THIS IS MY SKY" bird is from Philly.

That picture was taken by Chuck Homler, by the way, who has some *fantastic* wildlife shots.

https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/User:Needsmoreritalin
But that one was from Philly.Because of course it was.Because of course the "FUCK YOU THIS IS MY SKY" bird is from Philly.That picture was taken by Chuck Homler, by the way, who has some *fantastic* wildlife shots. https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/User:Needsmoreritalin
But that one was from Philly.Because of course it was.Because of course the "FUCK YOU THIS IS MY SKY" bird is from Philly.That picture was taken by Chuck Homler, by the way, who has some *fantastic* wildlife shots. https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/User:Needsmoreritalin
But that one was from Philly.Because of course it was.Because of course the "FUCK YOU THIS IS MY SKY" bird is from Philly.That picture was taken by Chuck Homler, by the way, who has some *fantastic* wildlife shots. https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/User:Needsmoreritalin
And I *would* give you the Belted Kingfisher, which is an awesome fucking hunting bird.

But you're a threat to the one true Gospel of vinegar-based BBQ, with your molasses heathenry.

So you know what? Keep it. Keep your mockingbird, Tennessee.

Good riddance.

#StayAtHomeSafari
And I *would* give you the Belted Kingfisher, which is an awesome fucking hunting bird.But you're a threat to the one true Gospel of vinegar-based BBQ, with your molasses heathenry.So you know what? Keep it. Keep your mockingbird, Tennessee.Good riddance. #StayAtHomeSafari
And I *would* give you the Belted Kingfisher, which is an awesome fucking hunting bird.But you're a threat to the one true Gospel of vinegar-based BBQ, with your molasses heathenry.So you know what? Keep it. Keep your mockingbird, Tennessee.Good riddance. #StayAtHomeSafari
And I *would* give you the Belted Kingfisher, which is an awesome fucking hunting bird.But you're a threat to the one true Gospel of vinegar-based BBQ, with your molasses heathenry.So you know what? Keep it. Keep your mockingbird, Tennessee.Good riddance. #StayAtHomeSafari
South Dakota

The Ring-Necked Pheasant

Fucking Spectacular. Sold in the room. No Notes.

A plains state with a gorgeous prairie bird. Goddamn Majestic. Goddamn Regal.

I don't say this often, but good job South Dakota.

#StayAtHomeSafari
South DakotaThe Ring-Necked PheasantFucking Spectacular. Sold in the room. No Notes.A plains state with a gorgeous prairie bird. Goddamn Majestic. Goddamn Regal.I don't say this often, but good job South Dakota. #StayAtHomeSafari
South DakotaThe Ring-Necked PheasantFucking Spectacular. Sold in the room. No Notes.A plains state with a gorgeous prairie bird. Goddamn Majestic. Goddamn Regal.I don't say this often, but good job South Dakota. #StayAtHomeSafari
South DakotaThe Ring-Necked PheasantFucking Spectacular. Sold in the room. No Notes.A plains state with a gorgeous prairie bird. Goddamn Majestic. Goddamn Regal.I don't say this often, but good job South Dakota. #StayAtHomeSafari
South Carolina

Listen here, you mustard-loving fucks.

#StayAtHomeSafari
You CANNOT HAVE the Carolina Wren.

NOT AS LONG AS YOU'RE DEDICATED TO BEING WORST CAROLINA.

#StayAtHomeSafari
I don't care that you put it on your quarter. You're LUCKY I'm not so blinded by regional rivalry that I give you the Palmetto Bug and have done with it.

#StayAtHomeSafari
I don't care that you put it on your quarter. You're LUCKY I'm not so blinded by regional rivalry that I give you the Palmetto Bug and have done with it. #StayAtHomeSafari
I don't care that you put it on your quarter. You're LUCKY I'm not so blinded by regional rivalry that I give you the Palmetto Bug and have done with it. #StayAtHomeSafari
I don't care that you put it on your quarter. You're LUCKY I'm not so blinded by regional rivalry that I give you the Palmetto Bug and have done with it. #StayAtHomeSafari
"Oh, we don't want to be with all those hicks in the back country up north. I know! Let's split the state, so that we have all the wealthy cities, and 'North Carolina' is a bunch of inbred hillfolk hicks that HAVE to pay to use our ports!"

HOW DO YOU LIKE US NOW, BITCHES?
Now what do you have? An economy a THIRD the size of NC's, and a legacy of Ft Sumter.

You've got Myrtle Beach. You're basically North Carolina's Florida.

Given that, you get a beach bird who talks a lot of shit but can't back it up: The American Oystercatcher. #StayAtHomeSafari
Now what do you have? An economy a THIRD the size of NC's, and a legacy of Ft Sumter.You've got Myrtle Beach. You're basically North Carolina's Florida.Given that, you get a beach bird who talks a lot of shit but can't back it up: The American Oystercatcher. #StayAtHomeSafari
Now what do you have? An economy a THIRD the size of NC's, and a legacy of Ft Sumter.You've got Myrtle Beach. You're basically North Carolina's Florida.Given that, you get a beach bird who talks a lot of shit but can't back it up: The American Oystercatcher. #StayAtHomeSafari
Now what do you have? An economy a THIRD the size of NC's, and a legacy of Ft Sumter.You've got Myrtle Beach. You're basically North Carolina's Florida.Given that, you get a beach bird who talks a lot of shit but can't back it up: The American Oystercatcher. #StayAtHomeSafari
I realize I may have released some rather pent-up bitterness there, but fuck.

They put MUSTARD.

In their BARBECUE.

At least we're united in vinegar, y'all. And doofy pictures aside, this *is* a pretty shorebird.

Cheers.

Fuckers.

#StayAtHomeSafari
I realize I may have released some rather pent-up bitterness there, but fuck.They put MUSTARD.In their BARBECUE.At least we're united in vinegar, y'all. And doofy pictures aside, this *is* a pretty shorebird.Cheers.Fuckers. #StayAtHomeSafari
I realize I may have released some rather pent-up bitterness there, but fuck.They put MUSTARD.In their BARBECUE.At least we're united in vinegar, y'all. And doofy pictures aside, this *is* a pretty shorebird.Cheers.Fuckers. #StayAtHomeSafari
I realize I may have released some rather pent-up bitterness there, but fuck.They put MUSTARD.In their BARBECUE.At least we're united in vinegar, y'all. And doofy pictures aside, this *is* a pretty shorebird.Cheers.Fuckers. #StayAtHomeSafari
Rhode Island has the Rhode Island Red, and

Yes.

You know what I appreciate about y'all? BRANDING.

This is THE Iconic Rooster, you put your name on that shit and made it stick.

Who *cares* if your state is six city blocks, you get this fabulous sonofabitch. #StayAtHomeSafari
Rhode Island has the Rhode Island Red, andYes.You know what I appreciate about y'all? BRANDING.This is THE Iconic Rooster, you put your name on that shit and made it stick.Who *cares* if your state is six city blocks, you get this fabulous sonofabitch. #StayAtHomeSafari
Rhode Island has the Rhode Island Red, andYes.You know what I appreciate about y'all? BRANDING.This is THE Iconic Rooster, you put your name on that shit and made it stick.Who *cares* if your state is six city blocks, you get this fabulous sonofabitch. #StayAtHomeSafari
Rhode Island has the Rhode Island Red, andYes.You know what I appreciate about y'all? BRANDING.This is THE Iconic Rooster, you put your name on that shit and made it stick.Who *cares* if your state is six city blocks, you get this fabulous sonofabitch. #StayAtHomeSafari
Fuckin' Glorious, Rhode Island.

You made a Dinosaur Edible, but made sure to keep it glam as fuck.

#StayAtHomeSafari
Pennysylvania, what are you doing?

You have the Ruffed Grouse. A FAMOUSLY timid game bird, that nonetheless wants to DRESS FANCY.

This isn't you.

#StayAtHomeSafari
Pennysylvania, what are you doing?You have the Ruffed Grouse. A FAMOUSLY timid game bird, that nonetheless wants to DRESS FANCY.This isn't you. #StayAtHomeSafari
Pennysylvania, what are you doing?You have the Ruffed Grouse. A FAMOUSLY timid game bird, that nonetheless wants to DRESS FANCY.This isn't you. #StayAtHomeSafari
Pennysylvania, what are you doing?You have the Ruffed Grouse. A FAMOUSLY timid game bird, that nonetheless wants to DRESS FANCY.This isn't you. #StayAtHomeSafari
You need a bird that's equally at home in a gutter in downtown Philly and fighting a coyote for food in the middle of nowhere.

Obviously, a duck.

My choice: The only one that looks like it shows up to hockey games for the fights.

The Red-breasted Merganser. #StayAtHomeSafari
You need a bird that's equally at home in a gutter in downtown Philly and fighting a coyote for food in the middle of nowhere.Obviously, a duck.My choice: The only one that looks like it shows up to hockey games for the fights.The Red-breasted Merganser. #StayAtHomeSafari
You need a bird that's equally at home in a gutter in downtown Philly and fighting a coyote for food in the middle of nowhere.Obviously, a duck.My choice: The only one that looks like it shows up to hockey games for the fights.The Red-breasted Merganser. #StayAtHomeSafari
You need a bird that's equally at home in a gutter in downtown Philly and fighting a coyote for food in the middle of nowhere.Obviously, a duck.My choice: The only one that looks like it shows up to hockey games for the fights.The Red-breasted Merganser. #StayAtHomeSafari
Oregon: Western Meadowlark.

Nope! Wyoming beat you to it!

Fun fact, d'y'all know Oregon was intentionally founded as a whites-only state, and boasts soooo many descendents of confederate soldiers, who fled there after they lost like the losing losers they are? #StayAtHomeSafari
Yup!

"The object is to keep clear of that most troublesome class of population. We are in a new world, under the most favorable circumstances and we wish to avoid most of those evils that have so much afflicted the United States and other countries"
(By that, they meant both Slave-owners... and black people.)

And it worked! In 1860, there were a grand total of 128 black people in a state of 52,000!

I'm from NC, we can't talk /any/ shit about this, but fuck y'all, you've certainly not gotten ANY LESS WHITE in the meantime.
And you wind up with companies like Voodoo Donuts, two white guys in "wacky, liberal" Portland, using a cartoon stereotype of a black man as a mascot, selling "voodoo doll" donuts, which are a ritual made up by white people to make black religion scary. https://twitter.com/NomeDaBarbarian/status/1164530246512603137
Just saying y'all got a history you need to reconcile. But this is about birds. So I'll give you a bird!

The American Avocet. Legitimately cool bird.

Picture 1 was taken at Malheur NWR. You know, that place y'all's anti-government white separatists seized?

#StayAtHomeSafari
Just saying y'all got a history you need to reconcile. But this is about birds. So I'll give you a bird!The American Avocet. Legitimately cool bird.Picture 1 was taken at Malheur NWR. You know, that place y'all's anti-government white separatists seized? #StayAtHomeSafari
Just saying y'all got a history you need to reconcile. But this is about birds. So I'll give you a bird!The American Avocet. Legitimately cool bird.Picture 1 was taken at Malheur NWR. You know, that place y'all's anti-government white separatists seized? #StayAtHomeSafari
Just saying y'all got a history you need to reconcile. But this is about birds. So I'll give you a bird!The American Avocet. Legitimately cool bird.Picture 1 was taken at Malheur NWR. You know, that place y'all's anti-government white separatists seized? #StayAtHomeSafari
Enjoy, Oregon.

And Fix Your Shit.

#StayAtHomeSafari
I'M SURE.

I'M SURE THE STATE IS STILL ONLY 1.91% BLACK BY ACCIDENT.

I'M SURE IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE WEIRD NUMBER OF CONFEDERATE FLAGS YOU SEE ANYWHERE OUTSIDE OF PORTLAND OR EUGENE.

OH LOOK A BIRD!

https://twitter.com/lydonw/status/1245230906765234177
... breathe it out, Nome.

Oklahoma.

Tyrannus forficatus. The Scissor-bearing Tyrant. They fight Hawks and Owls and Crows for territory, despite being an ounce and a goddamn half.

Scissor-tailed Flycatcher. You know what? Respect. Keep it. Well done. #StayAtHomeSafari
... breathe it out, Nome.Oklahoma.Tyrannus forficatus. The Scissor-bearing Tyrant. They fight Hawks and Owls and Crows for territory, despite being an ounce and a goddamn half.Scissor-tailed Flycatcher. You know what? Respect. Keep it. Well done. #StayAtHomeSafari
... breathe it out, Nome.Oklahoma.Tyrannus forficatus. The Scissor-bearing Tyrant. They fight Hawks and Owls and Crows for territory, despite being an ounce and a goddamn half.Scissor-tailed Flycatcher. You know what? Respect. Keep it. Well done. #StayAtHomeSafari
... breathe it out, Nome.Oklahoma.Tyrannus forficatus. The Scissor-bearing Tyrant. They fight Hawks and Owls and Crows for territory, despite being an ounce and a goddamn half.Scissor-tailed Flycatcher. You know what? Respect. Keep it. Well done. #StayAtHomeSafari
Get you a state bird that can do both.

#StayAtHomeSafari
Get you a state bird that can do both. #StayAtHomeSafari
Get you a state bird that can do both. #StayAtHomeSafari
Ohio:

The Cardinal.

NOPE. NOT ON YOUR LIFE. GET IN LINE. WEST VIRGINIA HAD DIBBS, NONE OF THIS GLORIOUS FUCK FOR YOU.

#StayAtHomeSafari
That said: Ohio gave us John Glen. It gave us more astronauts than any other state, in fact.

Which makes me wonder what it is about living in Ohio that makes people try to flee the Earth.

STILL. In honor of all of those test pilots:

The Peregrine Falcon.

#StayAtHomeSafari
That said: Ohio gave us John Glen. It gave us more astronauts than any other state, in fact.Which makes me wonder what it is about living in Ohio that makes people try to flee the Earth.STILL. In honor of all of those test pilots: The Peregrine Falcon. #StayAtHomeSafari
That said: Ohio gave us John Glen. It gave us more astronauts than any other state, in fact.Which makes me wonder what it is about living in Ohio that makes people try to flee the Earth.STILL. In honor of all of those test pilots: The Peregrine Falcon. #StayAtHomeSafari
That said: Ohio gave us John Glen. It gave us more astronauts than any other state, in fact.Which makes me wonder what it is about living in Ohio that makes people try to flee the Earth.STILL. In honor of all of those test pilots: The Peregrine Falcon. #StayAtHomeSafari
240 mile per hour dives. Literally the fastest living thing earth has ever produced.

Their eyes aren't just better than ours - they're faster. FIVE TIMES faster. They can register discrete changes at up to 129 Hz.

They're speed machines. Feathery bullets.

#StayAtHome Safari
240 mile per hour dives. Literally the fastest living thing earth has ever produced.Their eyes aren't just better than ours - they're faster. FIVE TIMES faster. They can register discrete changes at up to 129 Hz.They're speed machines. Feathery bullets. #StayAtHome Safari
240 mile per hour dives. Literally the fastest living thing earth has ever produced.Their eyes aren't just better than ours - they're faster. FIVE TIMES faster. They can register discrete changes at up to 129 Hz.They're speed machines. Feathery bullets. #StayAtHome Safari
You get the Peregrine Falcon on one condition, Ohio.

You have to call it the "Kitty Hawk."

To remind you who was ACTUALLY first in goddamn flight.

#StayAtHomeSafari
You get the Peregrine Falcon on one condition, Ohio.You have to call it the "Kitty Hawk."To remind you who was ACTUALLY first in goddamn flight. #StayAtHomeSafari
You get the Peregrine Falcon on one condition, Ohio.You have to call it the "Kitty Hawk."To remind you who was ACTUALLY first in goddamn flight. #StayAtHomeSafari
You get the Peregrine Falcon on one condition, Ohio.You have to call it the "Kitty Hawk."To remind you who was ACTUALLY first in goddamn flight. #StayAtHomeSafari
North Dakota:

No western meadowlark for y'all, talk to Wyoming.

Here's the deal: So much of your history is just straight killing/displacing indigenous folks.

But if I only gave YOU hell about that, how could I say any of the rest of these states honestly? #StayAtHomeSafari
The United States has never kept its promises to the people against whom it committed a centuries-long war of Genocide.

It just stands out more in North Dakota's history, because there's honestly less settler history IN North Dakota.

This isn't relegated to history, either.
The United States is based on a very intentional history of theft, murder, rape, and kidnapping against its native population.

Between our founding and 1871, we signed more than 500 treaties with Native American Tribes.

We did not keep a single one. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_United_States_treaties#U.S.%E2%80%93Native_American_treaties
“No white man shall ever again disturb you; the Arkansas [River] will protect your southern boundary when you get there. You will be protected on either side; the white shall never again encroach upon you, and you will have a great outlet to the West." /
"As long as water flows, or grass grows upon the earth, or the sun rises to show your pathway, or you kindle your camp fires, so long shall you be protected from your present habitations.”

- President Monroe, 1817

At least that's ancient hist- https://thehill.com/changing-america/respect/equality/490362-federal-bureau-revoking-reservation-status-for
Trump administration revokes reservation status for Native American

The move has tribes uncertain of the future of sovereign lands, especially in the face of the coronavirus pandemic.

https://thehill.com/changing-america/respect/equality/490362-federal-bureau-revoking-reservation-status-for
Here's the deal - treaties aren't REVOKED just because we broke them. By US and international law, WE ADMIT WE OWE THE LAND TO THE INDIGENOUS PEOPLES OF THE CONTINENT.

We stand in flagrant violation. Currently. Our government, now. And under Obama. And Bush. And Clinton. And...
So. Owning that.

And going back to being "funny about birds."

North Dakota - I'm giving you the Greater Sage Grouse, and I need y'all to keep it safe. It's endangered.

I believe in you. You can do this.

#StayAtHomeSafari
A fair correction - the Bundy's are out-of-state agitators. They had a lot of supporters in the local white supremacist community, but pretending that's just Oregon's problem is like pretending North Dakota has to shoulder genocide alone. https://twitter.com/Just_Eleanora/status/1245242535087230982
More greater sage grouse, as a palate cleanser.

#StayAtHomeSafari
Y'all for real, listen. Sound up.

This bird.

#StayAtHomeSafari
Now...

North Carolina.

How the fuck could I leave you behind?

Oh? Another Cardinal?

I have literally never seen a Cardinal in North Carolina. I have, admittedly, not been looking terribly hard.

You know what i HAVE seen?

#StayAtHomeSafari
TURKEY.

VULTURES.

No argument, no choice, you have your bird, sit down and eat your grits.

And once you're done with the hog carcass

Let the vultures have it.

#StayAtHomeSafari https://twitter.com/NomeDaBarbarian/status/1216022853755142146
New York: The Eastern Bluebird.

Fuck you. Fuck that. Fuck all of this specifically and generally.

#StayAtHomeSafari
The Eastern Bluebird is the state bird from this day forward of WESTERN New York. Not "Upstate." Western. You know, most of the fucking state. Rochester. Buffalo. Ithaca.

Enjoy it, y'all. It's fucking delightful.

#StayAtHomeSafari
YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT THERE ARE NO BRAKES I SHOULD HAVE BEEN ASLEEP TWO HOURS AGO. https://twitter.com/SpatialChicken/status/1245246143501484033
EASTERN New York, which includes a city that's really "upper New Jersey" or "Southern Connecticut" if you think about it, has the Pigeon.

Suck on it.

#StayAtHomeSafari
Now all joking aside - this isn't an insult, or a cheap stereotype.

Pigeons aren't wild. They're feral.

They're a previously domesticated animal (the Rock Dove), that we just... stopped giving a fuck about. And released.

And treated like trash.

#StayAtHomeSafari
Now all joking aside - this isn't an insult, or a cheap stereotype.Pigeons aren't wild. They're feral.They're a previously domesticated animal (the Rock Dove), that we just... stopped giving a fuck about. And released.And treated like trash. #StayAtHomeSafari
Now all joking aside - this isn't an insult, or a cheap stereotype.Pigeons aren't wild. They're feral.They're a previously domesticated animal (the Rock Dove), that we just... stopped giving a fuck about. And released.And treated like trash. #StayAtHomeSafari
The Pigeon, instead of dying out or losing itself, Thrived.

It took the abuse of an entire world, and said, "You can fuck yourself right off the pier with that, I'm having a goddamn slice of your pizza."

#StayAtHomeSafari
Can you think of a better bird to represent the city that promised to the world,

"Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me."

#StayAtHomeSafari
Pigeons are /us/, man. At our /best/.

#StayAtHomeSafari
Pigeons are /us/, man. At our /best/. #StayAtHomeSafari
Pigeons are /us/, man. At our /best/. #StayAtHomeSafari
(Gonna get through NJ, NH, NV, and NE before I have to pass the fuck out tonight, y'all. If your state starts with an M or earlier, just wait until tomorrow night)
New Jersey:

The Eastern Goldfinch.

"the male is a vibrant yellow in the summer and an olive color during the winter... The male displays brightly colored plumage during the breeding season to attract a mate."

...okay fine. Solid argument. You get to keep it.

#StayAtHomeSafari
New Jersey:The Eastern Goldfinch."the male is a vibrant yellow in the summer and an olive color during the winter... The male displays brightly colored plumage during the breeding season to attract a mate."...okay fine. Solid argument. You get to keep it. #StayAtHomeSafari
New Jersey:The Eastern Goldfinch."the male is a vibrant yellow in the summer and an olive color during the winter... The male displays brightly colored plumage during the breeding season to attract a mate."...okay fine. Solid argument. You get to keep it. #StayAtHomeSafari
New Jersey:The Eastern Goldfinch."the male is a vibrant yellow in the summer and an olive color during the winter... The male displays brightly colored plumage during the breeding season to attract a mate."...okay fine. Solid argument. You get to keep it. #StayAtHomeSafari
Again, stereotypes aside -

Jersey is more than the Jersey Shore, or the (industrial) parts of it you smell coming in over the Hudson on the GWB. It's more than the turnpike.

It's gorgeous woodlands, mountains, beaches, wild spaces. The Goldfinch Fits.

#StayAtHomeSafari
New Hampshire:

The Purple Finch

I fucking love not having seen them five times on the list before - and given the "Bird Me!" thread I did, I appreciate this color being rare.

Enjoy it, New Hampshire. I don't think I could take it from y'all if I WANTED to.

#StayAtHomeSafari
New Hampshire:The Purple FinchI fucking love not having seen them five times on the list before - and given the "Bird Me!" thread I did, I appreciate this color being rare.Enjoy it, New Hampshire. I don't think I could take it from y'all if I WANTED to. #StayAtHomeSafari
New Hampshire:The Purple FinchI fucking love not having seen them five times on the list before - and given the "Bird Me!" thread I did, I appreciate this color being rare.Enjoy it, New Hampshire. I don't think I could take it from y'all if I WANTED to. #StayAtHomeSafari
New Hampshire:The Purple FinchI fucking love not having seen them five times on the list before - and given the "Bird Me!" thread I did, I appreciate this color being rare.Enjoy it, New Hampshire. I don't think I could take it from y'all if I WANTED to. #StayAtHomeSafari
Nevada coming in hot!

Y'all, you know Vegas isn't the state, right?

Nevada is a huge mountain state, covered in desert and scrublands, and as any Fallout: New Vegas player will tell you, IT NEEDS MORE COLOR.

Enter: The Mountain Bluebird. #StayAtHomeSafari
Nevada coming in hot!Y'all, you know Vegas isn't the state, right?Nevada is a huge mountain state, covered in desert and scrublands, and as any Fallout: New Vegas player will tell you, IT NEEDS MORE COLOR.Enter: The Mountain Bluebird. #StayAtHomeSafari
Nevada coming in hot!Y'all, you know Vegas isn't the state, right?Nevada is a huge mountain state, covered in desert and scrublands, and as any Fallout: New Vegas player will tell you, IT NEEDS MORE COLOR.Enter: The Mountain Bluebird. #StayAtHomeSafari
Nevada coming in hot!Y'all, you know Vegas isn't the state, right?Nevada is a huge mountain state, covered in desert and scrublands, and as any Fallout: New Vegas player will tell you, IT NEEDS MORE COLOR.Enter: The Mountain Bluebird. #StayAtHomeSafari
Well-fucking-chosen, Nevada. Enjoy it. Enjoy your tiny, angry, loud seed-eating crevice-dwellers.

#StayAtHomeSafari
Which brings me to Nebraska.

At ~7pm on August 11th, 2017, I went to one of the highest-rated steakhouses in Omaha and paid sixty dollars for the worst steak I have ever had in my fucking life.

I had a prime rib. They didn't use any fucking salt.

Any. Salt. Anywhere.
The cup of Au Jus beside it?

No salt in that either.

No seasoning AT ALL. If I wanted salt, it was next to the pepper.

It was like eating a perfectly cooked sponge. It was an excellently textured, perfectly rare Ghost of a steak.

It might as well have been Steak LaCroix.
Turns out? When you leave white people alone with no food culture to borrow from/steal?

They just... they don't...

They don't season anything.

Y'all, I knew the memes. I thought it was an exaggeration.

I talked to folks who rotated through the bases there. They nodded sadly.
There's a lot of old folks, who are watching their salt intake. There's a lot of people who just think Black Pepper is spicy.

The menu brags: "Your steak is soaked for fifteen minutes, only, when you place your order so the marinade does not overpower the flavor of our beef."
Flash back, three years before that. I'm still working in the pizza kitchen. There's a contest, and the only two stores CLOSE to ours in it are Lincoln's two stores.

So I decide to motivate my crew. And I reach out to the manager of Lincoln's stores with a friendly wager.
It's on - a case of our local craft beer, versus a case of theirs.

I tell our crew.

And it lights a fire under their ass.

And we DOMINATE for the next five weeks.
We stomp all over their numbers. The manager of the Nebraska stores wishes us well, we say good game.

And then, instead of a case, they show up with a six pack.

For the fifteen of us on shift.

A goddamn six pack.
Flash forward three years again.

I'm in a car.

And we're driving through Nebraska.

The Long way.

For five and a half goddamn hours.

And you only can look at Corn for so long.

Our Reprieve? On the other side of Omaha?

IOWA.
So the long and short of it is, I don't plan on ever forgiving Nebraska.

So you?

You get the Dickcissel.

#StayAtHomeSafari
Not just because "Dick".

But because the name promises something more - something funny, or interesting, or worth talking about.

But instead, it's a songbird. A perfectly ordinary seed-eating songbird, that can never live up to the promise of its name.

#StayAtHomeSafari
Not just because "Dick".But because the name promises something more - something funny, or interesting, or worth talking about.But instead, it's a songbird. A perfectly ordinary seed-eating songbird, that can never live up to the promise of its name. #StayAtHomeSafari
Not just because "Dick".But because the name promises something more - something funny, or interesting, or worth talking about.But instead, it's a songbird. A perfectly ordinary seed-eating songbird, that can never live up to the promise of its name. #StayAtHomeSafari
Not just because "Dick".But because the name promises something more - something funny, or interesting, or worth talking about.But instead, it's a songbird. A perfectly ordinary seed-eating songbird, that can never live up to the promise of its name. #StayAtHomeSafari
You want something other than a Dickcissel?

Make sure your restaurants know how to season a goddamn steak.

#StayAtHomeSafari
You want something other than a Dickcissel?Make sure your restaurants know how to season a goddamn steak. #StayAtHomeSafari
You want something other than a Dickcissel?Make sure your restaurants know how to season a goddamn steak. #StayAtHomeSafari
This. This makes it even better.

Goodnight, all. Happy Smarch 1st. https://twitter.com/pjf/status/1245263752108236801
Legitimately didn't mean to! The New York / New Jersey transition was so natural I breezed right over it.

Moving very fast.

JUST LIKE NEW MEXICO'S BIRD, THE GREATER ROADRUNNER, SHOWN HERE BEATING A SNAKE TO DEATH.

#StayAtHomeSafari

https://twitter.com/elyachan/status/1245261563566514176
How the fuck am I going to improve on this good good desert boy?

HOW THE FUCK WOULD I CATCH HIM TO DO SO?

New Mexico, good choices, keep at it.

NOW. NOW I CAN SLEEP.

#StayAtHomeSafari
How the fuck am I going to improve on this good good desert boy?HOW THE FUCK WOULD I CATCH HIM TO DO SO?New Mexico, good choices, keep at it.NOW. NOW I CAN SLEEP. #StayAtHomeSafari
How the fuck am I going to improve on this good good desert boy?HOW THE FUCK WOULD I CATCH HIM TO DO SO?New Mexico, good choices, keep at it.NOW. NOW I CAN SLEEP. #StayAtHomeSafari
How the fuck am I going to improve on this good good desert boy?HOW THE FUCK WOULD I CATCH HIM TO DO SO?New Mexico, good choices, keep at it.NOW. NOW I CAN SLEEP. #StayAtHomeSafari
CAREFUL, NEW HAMPSHIRE

THERE'S STILL TIME FOR ME TO CHANGE YOUR STATE BIRD TO THE ROAD CONE.

https://twitter.com/JayeEmm/status/1245346637603639296
"Oh, look at me, I'm just Massachusetts but with slightly better drivers!"

THAT ISN'T A HIGH BAR.

"Live free or die!"

DOES IT HAVE TO BE IN NEW HAMPSHIRE? BECAUSE IF SO I'M STILL DECIDING.

Ain't got shit on Maine's maple syrup anyway.
Grumble grumble before i even had my coffee grumble.

I've got some time before work, and a suitably Curmudgeonly mood, let's see how many I can get through in twentyish minutes.
Honestly it's a good thing I haven't gotten to Colorado yet or I'd probably make the state bird double-caffeinated iced coffee with coffee ice cubes.
Ah yes, the Fabulous Possum of the Sky.

And by Sky, I mean eight feet off the ground.

https://twitter.com/_kateymatey_/status/1245350000411971586
Anyway. Montana. We have another Western Meadowlark.

And that won't work.

I would pick something that represents the people of Montana, but unfortunately there statistically ARE no people in Montana.

#StayAtHomeSafari
So given that tiny population, and your previous very bright bird, and the truly wild spaces your state holds,

Montana is hereby granted the Calliope Hummingbird, the smallest hummingbird native to the US, and with those neck feathers, THE FUCKING WILDEST. #StayAtHomeSafari
So given that tiny population, and your previous very bright bird, and the truly wild spaces your state holds,Montana is hereby granted the Calliope Hummingbird, the smallest hummingbird native to the US, and with those neck feathers, THE FUCKING WILDEST. #StayAtHomeSafari
So given that tiny population, and your previous very bright bird, and the truly wild spaces your state holds,Montana is hereby granted the Calliope Hummingbird, the smallest hummingbird native to the US, and with those neck feathers, THE FUCKING WILDEST. #StayAtHomeSafari
So given that tiny population, and your previous very bright bird, and the truly wild spaces your state holds,Montana is hereby granted the Calliope Hummingbird, the smallest hummingbird native to the US, and with those neck feathers, THE FUCKING WILDEST. #StayAtHomeSafari
Tl;dr here montana this is for u

#StayAtHomeSafari
Next: Missouri.

Another Eastern Bluebird, and I'm so very sorry, but that's been claimed by Western New York.

#StayAtHomeSafari
I'll tell you straight - I'm fond of you. As a southerner, you made the midwest feel homey to me, and the level of fucking-around-with y'all do (You still call it KANSAS CITY for fuck's sake. Y'all GOT THE PRESIDENT with that. A low bar, but) deserves respect. #StayAtHomeSafari
I COULD give y'all another songbird, but given the disturbing amounts of meat that form your diet, you need a raptor. As confusingly named as possible.

Given that the Mississippi is always wrongly thought of as our Longest River?

You get the Mississippi Kite. #StayAtHomeSafari
I COULD give y'all another songbird, but given the disturbing amounts of meat that form your diet, you need a raptor. As confusingly named as possible.Given that the Mississippi is always wrongly thought of as our Longest River?You get the Mississippi Kite. #StayAtHomeSafari
I COULD give y'all another songbird, but given the disturbing amounts of meat that form your diet, you need a raptor. As confusingly named as possible.Given that the Mississippi is always wrongly thought of as our Longest River?You get the Mississippi Kite. #StayAtHomeSafari
I COULD give y'all another songbird, but given the disturbing amounts of meat that form your diet, you need a raptor. As confusingly named as possible.Given that the Mississippi is always wrongly thought of as our Longest River?You get the Mississippi Kite. #StayAtHomeSafari
Enjoy it, and continue fucking with out-of-staters, God Bless.

#StayAtHomeSafari
Enjoy it, and continue fucking with out-of-staters, God Bless. #StayAtHomeSafari
Enjoy it, and continue fucking with out-of-staters, God Bless. #StayAtHomeSafari
For real y'all look at those fucking wings.

#StayAtHomeSafari
For real y'all look at those fucking wings. #StayAtHomeSafari
For real y'all look at those fucking wings. #StayAtHomeSafari
Mississippi.

Y'all.

Y'all ADDED a confederate flag, to your flag. Y'all went from a perfectly good Magnolia flag, to - in 1894, very intentionally - one with the rebel saltire.

You had a chance to fix that in 2001! With this perfectly good one!

And you beefed it.
You already know you aren't getting the Northern Mockingbird. Tennessee beat you to it.

And no way to fuck I'm giving you your state Waterfowl instead.

Change your flag, fix your schools, THEN you can have the fabulous fucking Wood Duck.

#StayAtHomeSafari
Until then, your state bird is a sea bird rendered unidentifiable by an oil spill.

It's a goddamn tragedy, and one that didn't have to happen. It's entirely of human making, of callousness and carelessness, and stains everything around it.

Meditate on that.

#StayAtHomeSafari
Until then, your state bird is a sea bird rendered unidentifiable by an oil spill.It's a goddamn tragedy, and one that didn't have to happen. It's entirely of human making, of callousness and carelessness, and stains everything around it.Meditate on that. #StayAtHomeSafari
Until then, your state bird is a sea bird rendered unidentifiable by an oil spill.It's a goddamn tragedy, and one that didn't have to happen. It's entirely of human making, of callousness and carelessness, and stains everything around it.Meditate on that. #StayAtHomeSafari
Until then, your state bird is a sea bird rendered unidentifiable by an oil spill.It's a goddamn tragedy, and one that didn't have to happen. It's entirely of human making, of callousness and carelessness, and stains everything around it.Meditate on that. #StayAtHomeSafari
Minnesota

You have the Loon.

And I'll be honest, if Maine wanted it, I'd keep it for them, because Nepotism.

But the land of ten thousand lakes? Yeah. Yeah, of course you can have this terrifying lake monster.

#StayAtHomeSafari
MinnesotaYou have the Loon.And I'll be honest, if Maine wanted it, I'd keep it for them, because Nepotism.But the land of ten thousand lakes? Yeah. Yeah, of course you can have this terrifying lake monster. #StayAtHomeSafari
MinnesotaYou have the Loon.And I'll be honest, if Maine wanted it, I'd keep it for them, because Nepotism.But the land of ten thousand lakes? Yeah. Yeah, of course you can have this terrifying lake monster. #StayAtHomeSafari
MinnesotaYou have the Loon.And I'll be honest, if Maine wanted it, I'd keep it for them, because Nepotism.But the land of ten thousand lakes? Yeah. Yeah, of course you can have this terrifying lake monster. #StayAtHomeSafari
If you haven't lived in a spot where loons are, you owe it to yourself to hear their call.

Imagine this, drifting across a fog-covered lake, on a snowy morning where the air is so sharp it hurts.
I fucking love loons, y'all.

#StayAtHomeSafari
And with that, I've got to go. I'm biking up a hill to work, and it's a motherfucker.

Cheers, y'all.
HAH ENJOY THE NEXT SEVERAL HOURS. https://twitter.com/GeneralMcMaul/status/1245363777526272000
Alright, Michigan, you're up - and no, you don't get the Robin. You gave us Kid Rock. AKA, I shit you not, Bobby Shazam.

You were a hot-bed for early Punk Rock. You gave us Mo-Town. And you also did this.

Do these things look like they go together, Michigan?

#StayAtHomeSafari
Alright, Michigan, you're up - and no, you don't get the Robin. You gave us Kid Rock. AKA, I shit you not, Bobby Shazam.You were a hot-bed for early Punk Rock. You gave us Mo-Town. And you also did this.Do these things look like they go together, Michigan? #StayAtHomeSafari
Alright, Michigan, you're up - and no, you don't get the Robin. You gave us Kid Rock. AKA, I shit you not, Bobby Shazam.You were a hot-bed for early Punk Rock. You gave us Mo-Town. And you also did this.Do these things look like they go together, Michigan? #StayAtHomeSafari
I was breifly considering giving you a bird that more accurately represents the strange, Snow-Bayou Peninsula-Gang culture of the great lakes.

Perhaps a wild turkey stuck in a six-pack ring, or a seagull dancing to 80's country without context.

#StayAtHomeSafari
Instead, my inner 12 y/o wins out.

I give you the American Woodcock.

AKA the Timberdoodle, Bogsucker, Hokumpoke, or Labrador Twister.

A bird that even wikipedia describes as "Chunky." A bird shaped like a potato, for your state shaped like an oven mitt.

#StayAtHomeSafari
Instead, my inner 12 y/o wins out.I give you the American Woodcock.AKA the Timberdoodle, Bogsucker, Hokumpoke, or Labrador Twister.A bird that even wikipedia describes as "Chunky." A bird shaped like a potato, for your state shaped like an oven mitt. #StayAtHomeSafari
Instead, my inner 12 y/o wins out.I give you the American Woodcock.AKA the Timberdoodle, Bogsucker, Hokumpoke, or Labrador Twister.A bird that even wikipedia describes as "Chunky." A bird shaped like a potato, for your state shaped like an oven mitt. #StayAtHomeSafari
Instead, my inner 12 y/o wins out.I give you the American Woodcock.AKA the Timberdoodle, Bogsucker, Hokumpoke, or Labrador Twister.A bird that even wikipedia describes as "Chunky." A bird shaped like a potato, for your state shaped like an oven mitt. #StayAtHomeSafari
For anyone thinking this is a bad prize:

I WELCOME YOU TO RE-CONSIDER.

This bird has RHYTHM LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER, as befits a state that gave us Mo-Town. And Look at the Size of that Chonk.

Built like Detroit Steel.

(To music, here: )

#StayAtHomeSafari
They're fantastic shorebirds, true chonks for winter, and they're called bogsuckers because their BEAKS ARE STRAWS WHICH THEY SHOVE IN THE MUD AND CAN BITE THINGS LIKE FOUR INCHES DEEP WITH JUST THE TIP.

They PRANCE.

#StayAtHomeSafari
They're fantastic shorebirds, true chonks for winter, and they're called bogsuckers because their BEAKS ARE STRAWS WHICH THEY SHOVE IN THE MUD AND CAN BITE THINGS LIKE FOUR INCHES DEEP WITH JUST THE TIP.They PRANCE. #StayAtHomeSafari
They're fantastic shorebirds, true chonks for winter, and they're called bogsuckers because their BEAKS ARE STRAWS WHICH THEY SHOVE IN THE MUD AND CAN BITE THINGS LIKE FOUR INCHES DEEP WITH JUST THE TIP.They PRANCE. #StayAtHomeSafari
I will, however, grant a minor injunction to residents of the Upper Peninsula.

You may, instead, have THIS SPECIFIC SAW-WHET OWL, who finds being caught by Fish & Wildlife and tagged with these woodcocks as MOST UNDIGNIFIED, and would RATHER BE EATING THEM.

#StayAtHomeSafari
Massachusetts can't have the Black-Capped Chickadee, because Maine wanted it, and Maine gets whatever the fuck it wants, I don't make the rules.

Oh wait yes I do look the fuck at that.

#StayAtHomeSafari
Luckily, y'all are prepared with your state game bird, which is now your official state bird, THE WILD TURKEY.

Massachusetts is full of wild spaces, and the Turkey is the fundamentally American wild bird. Just ask Ben Franklin.

#StayAtHomeSafari
Luckily, y'all are prepared with your state game bird, which is now your official state bird, THE WILD TURKEY.Massachusetts is full of wild spaces, and the Turkey is the fundamentally American wild bird. Just ask Ben Franklin. #StayAtHomeSafari
Luckily, y'all are prepared with your state game bird, which is now your official state bird, THE WILD TURKEY.Massachusetts is full of wild spaces, and the Turkey is the fundamentally American wild bird. Just ask Ben Franklin. #StayAtHomeSafari
Luckily, y'all are prepared with your state game bird, which is now your official state bird, THE WILD TURKEY.Massachusetts is full of wild spaces, and the Turkey is the fundamentally American wild bird. Just ask Ben Franklin. #StayAtHomeSafari
Boston, & the greater Boston area, & all of those cities like Worcester, Billerica and Tyngsborough, NONE OF WHICH ARE PRONOUNCED RIGHT, have this specific turkey.

His name's Shaughnessy. He's blocking your car because "Y'think you look smaht in those glasses." #StayAtHomeSafari
Y'TRYNA STAHT SOMETHN, PRAHVDENCE?

#StayAtHomeSafari
Shaughnessy is pretty sure he's the best turkey.

The other turkeys mostly just watch him from a state distance, and go about their business.

#StayAtHomeSafari
Shaughnessy is pretty sure he's the best turkey.The other turkeys mostly just watch him from a state distance, and go about their business. #StayAtHomeSafari
Shaughnessy is pretty sure he's the best turkey.The other turkeys mostly just watch him from a state distance, and go about their business. #StayAtHomeSafari
And also they do this sometimes, which - fuck. That's suitable for Lovecraft Country.

#StayAtHomeSafari
Maryland, you have the Baltimore Oriole, and I'm not man enough to take it from you. Put the knife down. It's all cool, it's all cool.

#StayAtHomeSafari
Maryland, you have the Baltimore Oriole, and I'm not man enough to take it from you. Put the knife down. It's all cool, it's all cool. #StayAtHomeSafari
Maryland, you have the Baltimore Oriole, and I'm not man enough to take it from you. Put the knife down. It's all cool, it's all cool. #StayAtHomeSafari
Maryland, you have the Baltimore Oriole, and I'm not man enough to take it from you. Put the knife down. It's all cool, it's all cool. #StayAtHomeSafari
Seriously, though, Iconic.

What a fuckin' bird.

#StayAtHomeSafari
Seriously, though, Iconic.What a fuckin' bird. #StayAtHomeSafari
Seriously, though, Iconic.What a fuckin' bird. #StayAtHomeSafari
Seriously, though, Iconic.What a fuckin' bird. #StayAtHomeSafari
Maine.

Y'all.

Maine doesn't actually have an official state bird.

Because in order to have that, they'd have to decide on one.

In the most Mainer thing ever, there's a legislative divide with firm camps.

Between the Black-Capped and Boreal Chickadee.

#StayAtHomeSafari
Maine.Y'all.Maine doesn't actually have an official state bird.Because in order to have that, they'd have to decide on one.In the most Mainer thing ever, there's a legislative divide with firm camps.Between the Black-Capped and Boreal Chickadee. #StayAtHomeSafari
Maine.Y'all.Maine doesn't actually have an official state bird.Because in order to have that, they'd have to decide on one.In the most Mainer thing ever, there's a legislative divide with firm camps.Between the Black-Capped and Boreal Chickadee. #StayAtHomeSafari
"Wait, /is/? Present tense?"

Y'ALL THEY'VE BEEN HAVING THIS FIGHT FOR 93 YEARS.

BLACK-CAPPED IS A DOWNEAST BIRD. IT SINGS PRETTY SONGS. BOREAL IS A PINE WOODS BIRD, WHICH EATS FUCKING DEER CARCASSES AND DOESN'T SING FOR STRANGERS. #StayAtHomeSafari

https://bangordailynews.com/2019/02/28/news/state/a-nest-divided-maines-great-chickadee-debate/
"Wait, /is/? Present tense?"Y'ALL THEY'VE BEEN HAVING THIS FIGHT FOR 93 YEARS.BLACK-CAPPED IS A DOWNEAST BIRD. IT SINGS PRETTY SONGS. BOREAL IS A PINE WOODS BIRD, WHICH EATS FUCKING DEER CARCASSES AND DOESN'T SING FOR STRANGERS. #StayAtHomeSafari https://bangordailynews.com/2019/02/28/news/state/a-nest-divided-maines-great-chickadee-debate/
"Wait, /is/? Present tense?"Y'ALL THEY'VE BEEN HAVING THIS FIGHT FOR 93 YEARS.BLACK-CAPPED IS A DOWNEAST BIRD. IT SINGS PRETTY SONGS. BOREAL IS A PINE WOODS BIRD, WHICH EATS FUCKING DEER CARCASSES AND DOESN'T SING FOR STRANGERS. #StayAtHomeSafari https://bangordailynews.com/2019/02/28/news/state/a-nest-divided-maines-great-chickadee-debate/
Literally never stop, Maine.

I love you. I've always loved you. And I'm not Mainer enough to take sides.

#StayAtHomeSafari
Literally never stop, Maine.I love you. I've always loved you. And I'm not Mainer enough to take sides. #StayAtHomeSafari
Literally never stop, Maine.I love you. I've always loved you. And I'm not Mainer enough to take sides. #StayAtHomeSafari
Louisiana has the brown Pelican, on behalf of Mississippi and Alabama can I ask who it is who makes these choices in your state, and can they borrow her for a while?

Because WELL FUCKING DONE.

#StayAtHomeSafari
Louisiana has the brown Pelican, on behalf of Mississippi and Alabama can I ask who it is who makes these choices in your state, and can they borrow her for a while?Because WELL FUCKING DONE. #StayAtHomeSafari
Louisiana has the brown Pelican, on behalf of Mississippi and Alabama can I ask who it is who makes these choices in your state, and can they borrow her for a while?Because WELL FUCKING DONE. #StayAtHomeSafari
Louisiana has the brown Pelican, on behalf of Mississippi and Alabama can I ask who it is who makes these choices in your state, and can they borrow her for a while?Because WELL FUCKING DONE. #StayAtHomeSafari
When I lived in Virginia, we'd take the long bridge to Chincoteague, and we'd be driving 40mph, and pelicans would just pull the fuck up beside us and keep pace.

Holy fuck, y'all, these birds.

#StayAtHomeSafari
When I lived in Virginia, we'd take the long bridge to Chincoteague, and we'd be driving 40mph, and pelicans would just pull the fuck up beside us and keep pace.Holy fuck, y'all, these birds. #StayAtHomeSafari
When I lived in Virginia, we'd take the long bridge to Chincoteague, and we'd be driving 40mph, and pelicans would just pull the fuck up beside us and keep pace.Holy fuck, y'all, these birds. #StayAtHomeSafari
When I lived in Virginia, we'd take the long bridge to Chincoteague, and we'd be driving 40mph, and pelicans would just pull the fuck up beside us and keep pace.Holy fuck, y'all, these birds. #StayAtHomeSafari
Powerful. Social. Iconic. Oft imitated, never duplicated. Reeking of salt water, fish, and substances better left unmentioned.

I want to give you shit but with choices this good I think you can handle it.

Just... you know what the problems are y'all. Fix 'em.

#StayAtHomeSafari
Powerful. Social. Iconic. Oft imitated, never duplicated. Reeking of salt water, fish, and substances better left unmentioned.I want to give you shit but with choices this good I think you can handle it.Just... you know what the problems are y'all. Fix 'em. #StayAtHomeSafari
Powerful. Social. Iconic. Oft imitated, never duplicated. Reeking of salt water, fish, and substances better left unmentioned.I want to give you shit but with choices this good I think you can handle it.Just... you know what the problems are y'all. Fix 'em. #StayAtHomeSafari
Powerful. Social. Iconic. Oft imitated, never duplicated. Reeking of salt water, fish, and substances better left unmentioned.I want to give you shit but with choices this good I think you can handle it.Just... you know what the problems are y'all. Fix 'em. #StayAtHomeSafari
Powerful. Social. Iconic. Oft imitated, never duplicated. Reeking of salt water, fish, and substances better left unmentioned.I want to give you shit but with choices this good I think you can handle it.Just... you know what the problems are y'all. Fix 'em. #StayAtHomeSafari
Which brings us to Kentucky.
Kentucky is another Cardinal State.

Kentucky does not get a Cardinal.
Kentucky has given us so many things I've loved. STRONG labor organizing history. Bourbon. And fuck, y'all may not have invented the Mint Julep, but you sure as shit made it your own.

And I wish - I WISH - I could give y'all the Snow Goose...

#StayAtHomeSafari
Kentucky has given us so many things I've loved. STRONG labor organizing history. Bourbon. And fuck, y'all may not have invented the Mint Julep, but you sure as shit made it your own.And I wish - I WISH - I could give y'all the Snow Goose... #StayAtHomeSafari
Kentucky has given us so many things I've loved. STRONG labor organizing history. Bourbon. And fuck, y'all may not have invented the Mint Julep, but you sure as shit made it your own.And I wish - I WISH - I could give y'all the Snow Goose... #StayAtHomeSafari
Kentucky has given us so many things I've loved. STRONG labor organizing history. Bourbon. And fuck, y'all may not have invented the Mint Julep, but you sure as shit made it your own.And I wish - I WISH - I could give y'all the Snow Goose... #StayAtHomeSafari
Or the King Eider...

#StayAtHomeSafari
Or the properly strange Eared Grebe.

#StayAtHomeSafari
But see, you have this problem.
Like any state dealing with rural Appalachian poverty, like any state dealing with a history of racism, Kentucky needs help.

That's fair, needs to be handled.

But you keep sending these fuckers who are going to kill us all. No longer JUST your problem.

(The Watermelon is Us)
So here's the deal, Kentucky.

I'm rendering a contingent decision.

You EITHER get to be the Blue Heron. This specific blue heron, here.

Or you get to be this specific duck, whose identity will *quickly* cease to be relevant.

It's up the fuck to you. Vote.

#StayAtHomeSafair
So here's the deal, Kentucky.I'm rendering a contingent decision.You EITHER get to be the Blue Heron. This specific blue heron, here.Or you get to be this specific duck, whose identity will *quickly* cease to be relevant.It's up the fuck to you. Vote. #StayAtHomeSafair
So here's the deal, Kentucky.I'm rendering a contingent decision.You EITHER get to be the Blue Heron. This specific blue heron, here.Or you get to be this specific duck, whose identity will *quickly* cease to be relevant.It's up the fuck to you. Vote. #StayAtHomeSafair
So here's the deal, Kentucky.I'm rendering a contingent decision.You EITHER get to be the Blue Heron. This specific blue heron, here.Or you get to be this specific duck, whose identity will *quickly* cease to be relevant.It's up the fuck to you. Vote. #StayAtHomeSafair
KANSAS

YOU CANNOT HAVE THE WESTERN MEADOWLARK

STOP ASKING. LEARN TO FOLLOW A PATTERN.

#StayAtHomeSafari
I may have, in the past, given y'all shit,

But we have you to thank for Sharice Davids coming into the House of Representatives.

And that deserves a favor.

So, while I can't give you Wyoming's bird, I CAN do you a solid, with the Cedar Waxwing. #StayAtHomeSafari
I may have, in the past, given y'all shit,But we have you to thank for Sharice Davids coming into the House of Representatives.And that deserves a favor.So, while I can't give you Wyoming's bird, I CAN do you a solid, with the Cedar Waxwing. #StayAtHomeSafari
I may have, in the past, given y'all shit,But we have you to thank for Sharice Davids coming into the House of Representatives.And that deserves a favor.So, while I can't give you Wyoming's bird, I CAN do you a solid, with the Cedar Waxwing. #StayAtHomeSafari
I know how much you love (have been forced by billionaire-funded agribusiness into growing) corn, wheat, sorgum and soybeans. You're our most productive state. Our breadbasket.

The Cedar Waxwing doesn't touch -any- of that shit. Cedar and Juniper berries. Bugs. #StayAtHomeSafari
I know how much you love (have been forced by billionaire-funded agribusiness into growing) corn, wheat, sorgum and soybeans. You're our most productive state. Our breadbasket.The Cedar Waxwing doesn't touch -any- of that shit. Cedar and Juniper berries. Bugs. #StayAtHomeSafari
I know how much you love (have been forced by billionaire-funded agribusiness into growing) corn, wheat, sorgum and soybeans. You're our most productive state. Our breadbasket.The Cedar Waxwing doesn't touch -any- of that shit. Cedar and Juniper berries. Bugs. #StayAtHomeSafari
I know how much you love (have been forced by billionaire-funded agribusiness into growing) corn, wheat, sorgum and soybeans. You're our most productive state. Our breadbasket.The Cedar Waxwing doesn't touch -any- of that shit. Cedar and Juniper berries. Bugs. #StayAtHomeSafari
How the fuck do you make Brown glamorous?

The Waxwing knows.

#StayAtHomeSafari
How the fuck do you make Brown glamorous?The Waxwing knows. #StayAtHomeSafari
How the fuck do you make Brown glamorous?The Waxwing knows. #StayAtHomeSafari
How the fuck do you make Brown glamorous?The Waxwing knows. #StayAtHomeSafari
And ya'll.

I've known a few people from Kansas.

The only ones I knew who were Sober were part of a program.

And the Waxwing? Gets drunk as fuck. There's a SEASON for it.

I have sat on a sidewalk EXACTLY like this. #StayAtHomeSafari
https://www.pawmanefin.com/Tipsy_Birds_Kept_Safe_in_Tiny_Drunk_Tanks
And hey - it's not a meadowlark, but it's still a songbird.

Enjoy, y'all.

#StayAtHomeSafari
Iowa,

You don't get the Goldfinch.

You gave us Steve King.

You gave us Chuck Grassley.

You manage the Iowa caucuses.

I have had to road trip across you.

I shall not be kind.

#StayAtHomeSafari
I've chosen a bird native to your state at random, for how little your population's votes are representative of the rest of us.

I've chosen a bird quickly, because your state has eaten too much of my life driving through corn already.

You wound up w/ the Crow. #StayAtHomeSafari
It's frankly a cooler bird than you deserve, which is fitting, because you as a state have far more power than you deserve in our politics, so why should that change?

May they poop en masse on your elected officials.

If my training program goes well, at least. #StayAtHomeSafari
It's frankly a cooler bird than you deserve, which is fitting, because you as a state have far more power than you deserve in our politics, so why should that change?May they poop en masse on your elected officials.If my training program goes well, at least. #StayAtHomeSafari
It's frankly a cooler bird than you deserve, which is fitting, because you as a state have far more power than you deserve in our politics, so why should that change?May they poop en masse on your elected officials.If my training program goes well, at least. #StayAtHomeSafari
It's frankly a cooler bird than you deserve, which is fitting, because you as a state have far more power than you deserve in our politics, so why should that change?May they poop en masse on your elected officials.If my training program goes well, at least. #StayAtHomeSafari
I'd wish for them to descend like a plague upon your crops, but that would just let the agribusiness-funded GOP you KEEP VOTING FOR loosen regulations and encourage their donors to buy the last small family farms out from under folks, and consolidate more power, SO HEY.
So your new state bird is a group of American crows, each holding aloft a portion of a banner, which reads, "What the actual fuck, Iowa?"

Enjoy it. Or don't.

#StayAtHomeSafari
Indiana, the state that cares so little for the fact that it's founded on genocide, that it doesn't even name itself after the specific peoples it killed and displaced (Looking at you, Dakotas).

Just. "Indian-a."

No goddamn Cardinal for you. #StayAtHomeSafari
Indiana, whose loose gun laws lead to handguns crossing the border into Illinois, and to a massive fucking suicide rate within your state.

All the problems of Iowa or Illinois, but somehow... less culture?

You gave us Pence. And Pete.
Indiana, you get the Black Vulture.

Because if you're going to keep killing your own citizens with your policies, from suicide or HIV or police violence or just plain negligence,

Someone's going to have to clean it up.

#StayAtHomeSafari
Indiana, you get the Black Vulture.Because if you're going to keep killing your own citizens with your policies, from suicide or HIV or police violence or just plain negligence,Someone's going to have to clean it up. #StayAtHomeSafari
Indiana, you get the Black Vulture.Because if you're going to keep killing your own citizens with your policies, from suicide or HIV or police violence or just plain negligence,Someone's going to have to clean it up. #StayAtHomeSafari
Indiana, you get the Black Vulture.Because if you're going to keep killing your own citizens with your policies, from suicide or HIV or police violence or just plain negligence,Someone's going to have to clean it up. #StayAtHomeSafari
Some of them have been known to carry off young cattle.

If seven or eight of them could carry Mike Pence off, that would be lovely.

In the meantime, they'll just be there to pick the rotting disguise off of the Indiana Democratic party.

#StayAtHomeSafari
Some of them have been known to carry off young cattle.If seven or eight of them could carry Mike Pence off, that would be lovely.In the meantime, they'll just be there to pick the rotting disguise off of the Indiana Democratic party. #StayAtHomeSafari
Some of them have been known to carry off young cattle.If seven or eight of them could carry Mike Pence off, that would be lovely.In the meantime, they'll just be there to pick the rotting disguise off of the Indiana Democratic party. #StayAtHomeSafari
Some of them have been known to carry off young cattle.If seven or eight of them could carry Mike Pence off, that would be lovely.In the meantime, they'll just be there to pick the rotting disguise off of the Indiana Democratic party. #StayAtHomeSafari
So, the new state bird of Indiana:

The Black Vulture.

Holding a ribbon, with the new motto!

"Soon."

#StayAtHomeSafari
So, the new state bird of Indiana:The Black Vulture.Holding a ribbon, with the new motto!"Soon." #StayAtHomeSafari
So, the new state bird of Indiana:The Black Vulture.Holding a ribbon, with the new motto!"Soon." #StayAtHomeSafari
To @EbThen, and anyone else who finds themselves stuck in this place, hoping to make it better, I offer you this:

I love vultures. I love them so much.

They pick clean the rot. They break down the worst.

And then, after, something decent can grow.

#StayAtHomeSafari
SO ANYWAY SEGUES ARE HARD, HUH?
Know what else is hard? Picking a bird that can represent all of Illinois.

You're not getting the Cardinal, obviously, but you need something suitably wild... but that doesn't leave out the nonsense that is Chicago.

Which means it has to be a swamp bird.

#StayAtHomeSafari
I GREW UP CANOOING THE GREAT DISMAL OF COURSE I WAS GONNA RESPECT Y'ALL'S SWAMP

https://twitter.com/EbThen/status/1245557441326133249
For you, Illinois, I'm going to perform a Magic Trick.

I present your new state bird:

The Black-Crowned Night Heron.

#StayAtHomeSafari
For you, Illinois, I'm going to perform a Magic Trick.I present your new state bird:The Black-Crowned Night Heron. #StayAtHomeSafari
For you, Illinois, I'm going to perform a Magic Trick.I present your new state bird:The Black-Crowned Night Heron. #StayAtHomeSafari
For you, Illinois, I'm going to perform a Magic Trick.I present your new state bird:The Black-Crowned Night Heron. #StayAtHomeSafari
Fishing birds! Spearfishing birds, in fact!

What do I mean by that?

Well here's the time for the magic trick.

#StayAtHomeSafari
Behold

The power

Of

N N N E E C C K K K

#StayAtHomeSafari
BeholdThe powerOf N N N E E C C K K K #StayAtHomeSafari
BeholdThe powerOf N N N E E C C K K K #StayAtHomeSafari
N N N E E E C C C K K K

#StayAtHomeSafari
A bird used to wading through thick, soupy water, spotting prey, and striking - perfectly suited (and with a neck long enough) to seeing if there's a pizza anywhere underneath the casserole y'all serve.

#StayAtHomeSafari https://twitter.com/i/status/1241036438398840833
Idaho you can't have the mountain bluebird, it's Nevada's.

And you don't deserve it.

Why should it be allowed to brighten up your day?

#StayAtHomeSafari
Y'all have such a fucking stiffy to making life harder for people. What a "Brave Frontier Spirit" of "Rugged Individualism!"

Until it's folks who don't fit your strict, government-mandated idea of the right way to live.

Go fuck yourself, Idaho. https://www.cbsnews.com/news/idaho-anti-transgender-bills-law-brad-little-governor/
Idaho governor beats deadline and signs 2 anti-transgender bills into law

Governor Brad Little's move makes his state the first to go that far among states that introduced 40 such measures this year.

https://www.cbsnews.com/news/idaho-anti-transgender-bills-law-brad-little-governor/
So here's how it works - queer folks from Idaho? YOU get a state bird.

Graceful.

Lethal.

With an eye game that's on point.

And you /will/ be fucking heard. #StayAtHomeSafari

So here's how it works - queer folks from Idaho? YOU get a state bird.Graceful.Lethal.With an eye game that's on point.And you /will/ be fucking heard. #StayAtHomeSafari
So here's how it works - queer folks from Idaho? YOU get a state bird.Graceful.Lethal.With an eye game that's on point.And you /will/ be fucking heard. #StayAtHomeSafari
So here's how it works - queer folks from Idaho? YOU get a state bird.Graceful.Lethal.With an eye game that's on point.And you /will/ be fucking heard. #StayAtHomeSafari
And importantly, not solitary.

Not alone.

Not now, not ever.

#StayAtHomeSafari
And importantly, not solitary.Not alone.Not now, not ever. #StayAtHomeSafari
And importantly, not solitary.Not alone.Not now, not ever. #StayAtHomeSafari
So, the official State Bird of the Serene Protectorate of LGBTQ+ Idaho is the Barn Owl.

The rest of y'all get a potato.

Not even an Idaho potato. A sweet potato. From Georgia.

I don't know, huck it real hard at each other or something. Pretend.

#StayAtHomeSafari
Hawaii:

The Nene (Hawaiian Goose).

You know what? Yes. I would have picked something brighter, but you know what the fuck you're doing.

Godspeed with your dire honkbeast. #StayAtHomeSafari
Hawaii:The Nene (Hawaiian Goose).You know what? Yes. I would have picked something brighter, but you know what the fuck you're doing.Godspeed with your dire honkbeast. #StayAtHomeSafari
Hawaii:The Nene (Hawaiian Goose).You know what? Yes. I would have picked something brighter, but you know what the fuck you're doing.Godspeed with your dire honkbeast. #StayAtHomeSafari
Hawaii:The Nene (Hawaiian Goose).You know what? Yes. I would have picked something brighter, but you know what the fuck you're doing.Godspeed with your dire honkbeast. #StayAtHomeSafari
"Brown. But fucking own it."

#StayAtHomeSafari
"Brown. But fucking own it." #StayAtHomeSafari
"Brown. But fucking own it." #StayAtHomeSafari
Cheers, Hawaii.

#StayAtHomeSafari
Last one I'll do tonight - Georgia.

You've got a suitably metal bird, don't get me wrong, with the Brown Thrasher.

Until you learn that "Thrashing" is just turning over leaves with their beaks to look for food.

They're... okay, I guess. But State Bird? #StayAtHomeSafari
Last one I'll do tonight - Georgia.You've got a suitably metal bird, don't get me wrong, with the Brown Thrasher.Until you learn that "Thrashing" is just turning over leaves with their beaks to look for food.They're... okay, I guess. But State Bird? #StayAtHomeSafari
Last one I'll do tonight - Georgia.You've got a suitably metal bird, don't get me wrong, with the Brown Thrasher.Until you learn that "Thrashing" is just turning over leaves with their beaks to look for food.They're... okay, I guess. But State Bird? #StayAtHomeSafari
What you need is a badass. Y'all like Falcons - so how about the Kestrel.

Small, but fucking fierce. Dive bombs its prey. Can take on birds twice their own weight. It can hover in place, which is amazing.

#StayAtHomeSafari
What you need is a badass. Y'all like Falcons - so how about the Kestrel.Small, but fucking fierce. Dive bombs its prey. Can take on birds twice their own weight. It can hover in place, which is amazing. #StayAtHomeSafari
What you need is a badass. Y'all like Falcons - so how about the Kestrel.Small, but fucking fierce. Dive bombs its prey. Can take on birds twice their own weight. It can hover in place, which is amazing. #StayAtHomeSafari
What you need is a badass. Y'all like Falcons - so how about the Kestrel.Small, but fucking fierce. Dive bombs its prey. Can take on birds twice their own weight. It can hover in place, which is amazing. #StayAtHomeSafari
So there's your new state bird, Georgia. The American Kestrel. A fierce little Falcon.

Now line 28 of them up next to each other, and you'll be unstoppable! Who could possibly overcome that.

GOODNIGHT ALL.

#StayAtHomeSafari
So there's your new state bird, Georgia. The American Kestrel. A fierce little Falcon.Now line 28 of them up next to each other, and you'll be unstoppable! Who could possibly overcome that.GOODNIGHT ALL. #StayAtHomeSafari
So there's your new state bird, Georgia. The American Kestrel. A fierce little Falcon.Now line 28 of them up next to each other, and you'll be unstoppable! Who could possibly overcome that.GOODNIGHT ALL. #StayAtHomeSafari
Florida.

The northern mockingbird.

Come on now. You're a nonsense state. In the words of @pattonoswalt, you're America's weirdly shriveled scrotum.

Not only do you not get this bird, you and I both know you can do better.

#StayAtHomeSafari
Which is why you will instead be getting Rostrhamus sociabilis.

I'll give you the common name in a sec, be patient, just take a minute to enjoy.

Bitchin, right? A red-eyed falcon (a Kite, actually, but let's not split hairs) with a wicked beak and a sleek look. #StayAtHomeSafari
Which is why you will instead be getting Rostrhamus sociabilis.I'll give you the common name in a sec, be patient, just take a minute to enjoy.Bitchin, right? A red-eyed falcon (a Kite, actually, but let's not split hairs) with a wicked beak and a sleek look. #StayAtHomeSafari
Which is why you will instead be getting Rostrhamus sociabilis.I'll give you the common name in a sec, be patient, just take a minute to enjoy.Bitchin, right? A red-eyed falcon (a Kite, actually, but let's not split hairs) with a wicked beak and a sleek look. #StayAtHomeSafari
Which is why you will instead be getting Rostrhamus sociabilis.I'll give you the common name in a sec, be patient, just take a minute to enjoy.Bitchin, right? A red-eyed falcon (a Kite, actually, but let's not split hairs) with a wicked beak and a sleek look. #StayAtHomeSafari
A fabulous, feirce, powerful bird, wings spread and snoring, hunting a very specific prey. Tailor made to pick it out in the swamps and high grass of the Everglades.

A perfect predator, a laser-guided missile to take out its favorite prey.

#StayAtHomeSafari
A fabulous, feirce, powerful bird, wings spread and snoring, hunting a very specific prey. Tailor made to pick it out in the swamps and high grass of the Everglades.A perfect predator, a laser-guided missile to take out its favorite prey. #StayAtHomeSafari
A fabulous, feirce, powerful bird, wings spread and snoring, hunting a very specific prey. Tailor made to pick it out in the swamps and high grass of the Everglades.A perfect predator, a laser-guided missile to take out its favorite prey. #StayAtHomeSafari
A fabulous, feirce, powerful bird, wings spread and snoring, hunting a very specific prey. Tailor made to pick it out in the swamps and high grass of the Everglades.A perfect predator, a laser-guided missile to take out its favorite prey. #StayAtHomeSafari
And behold: Their Fearsome Prey.
And behold: Their Fearsome Prey.
And behold: Their Fearsome Prey.
And behold: Their Fearsome Prey.
IT'S SNAILS THEY HUNT SNAILS Y'ALL THEY'RE CALLED THE SNAIL KITE THEY'RE GODDAMN FALCONS WITH GODDAMN SPEED DEMON BODIES AND THE ANIMAL THEY HUNT HAS TO BE POKED WITH A STICK TO MAKE SURE IT'S STILL ALIVE

#STAYATHOMESAFARI
IT'S SNAILS THEY HUNT SNAILS Y'ALL THEY'RE CALLED THE SNAIL KITE THEY'RE GODDAMN FALCONS WITH GODDAMN SPEED DEMON BODIES AND THE ANIMAL THEY HUNT HAS TO BE POKED WITH A STICK TO MAKE SURE IT'S STILL ALIVE #STAYATHOMESAFARI
IT'S SNAILS THEY HUNT SNAILS Y'ALL THEY'RE CALLED THE SNAIL KITE THEY'RE GODDAMN FALCONS WITH GODDAMN SPEED DEMON BODIES AND THE ANIMAL THEY HUNT HAS TO BE POKED WITH A STICK TO MAKE SURE IT'S STILL ALIVE #STAYATHOMESAFARI
IT'S SNAILS THEY HUNT SNAILS Y'ALL THEY'RE CALLED THE SNAIL KITE THEY'RE GODDAMN FALCONS WITH GODDAMN SPEED DEMON BODIES AND THE ANIMAL THEY HUNT HAS TO BE POKED WITH A STICK TO MAKE SURE IT'S STILL ALIVE #STAYATHOMESAFARI
YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE COULD HUNT SNAILS?

LITERALLY EVERY OTHER BIRD ON EARTH, AND MOST OTHER ANIMALS, UP TO AND INCLUDING A SLIGHTLY BIGGER SNAIL.

#StayAtHomeSafari
YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE COULD HUNT SNAILS?LITERALLY EVERY OTHER BIRD ON EARTH, AND MOST OTHER ANIMALS, UP TO AND INCLUDING A SLIGHTLY BIGGER SNAIL. #StayAtHomeSafari
YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE COULD HUNT SNAILS?LITERALLY EVERY OTHER BIRD ON EARTH, AND MOST OTHER ANIMALS, UP TO AND INCLUDING A SLIGHTLY BIGGER SNAIL. #StayAtHomeSafari
YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE COULD HUNT SNAILS?LITERALLY EVERY OTHER BIRD ON EARTH, AND MOST OTHER ANIMALS, UP TO AND INCLUDING A SLIGHTLY BIGGER SNAIL. #StayAtHomeSafari
IT'S LIKE PUTTING RACING STRIPES A SPOILER AND A NITROUS TANK ON A SHOPPING CART

THE PANCAKE MIX ISN'T GOING ANYWHERE BUDDY, YOU DON'T NEED TO LOWER THAT SUMBITCH TO REDUCE DRAG.

#StayAtHomeSafari
PLANTS. PLANTS ARE FAST ENOUGH. SLOW THE FUCK DOWN, SNAIL KITE.

They also eat crabs sometimes

BUT ONLY IF THEY CAN'T FIND ANY SNAILS.

#stayathomesafari

https://twitter.com/NickWilde1990/status/1245874618939748358
I have a lot I could give Florida shit for, but it's nothing you wouldn't have heard before.

The whole gulf is crazy. "Florida Man" is just because they're (Marginally) better about police transparency. FL makes the full details of police reports public.
The INSTANT I saw this bird, though, this weird fusion of disparate parts, this platypus of Hawks...

Can anything better encapsulate the loud, weird, impossible to reconcile but somehow cohesive state that simultaneously gives us Pensacola, Miami, & Key West?

#StayAtHomeSafari
Like.

Raise your hand if you'd believe that the Kites put that sign up themselves?

#StayAtHomeSafari
But, because it's Florida:

Here they are Fucking.

#StayAtHomeSafari
DC.

Here we are.

Your official bird is the Wood Thrush, a bird that is simple, unassuming, and whose song is cited as being the most beautiful in North America.

Tell me. What about that, precisely, reminds you of DC?

#StayAtHomeSafari
If I wanted to reduce DC to just the Capital, then I would do something shitty and simple, like making it the Kingbird, "Tyrannus tyrannus," The Tyrant Tyrant, a powerfully named but tiny and broadly inneffectual bird. Very angry, don't have much but hot air.

#StayAtHomeSafari
If I wanted to reduce DC to just the Capital, then I would do something shitty and simple, like making it the Kingbird, "Tyrannus tyrannus," The Tyrant Tyrant, a powerfully named but tiny and broadly inneffectual bird. Very angry, don't have much but hot air. #StayAtHomeSafari
If I wanted to reduce DC to just the Capital, then I would do something shitty and simple, like making it the Kingbird, "Tyrannus tyrannus," The Tyrant Tyrant, a powerfully named but tiny and broadly inneffectual bird. Very angry, don't have much but hot air. #StayAtHomeSafari
Instead, the American Golden Plover, a species densely flocks on the Potomac's shores, like your population. It has a dull coat, making it easy to ignore - much like our gov't can ignore the needs of the 633k unrepresented (but taxed!) residents of DC. #StayAtHomeSafari
Instead, the American Golden Plover, a species densely flocks on the Potomac's shores, like your population. It has a dull coat, making it easy to ignore - much like our gov't can ignore the needs of the 633k unrepresented (but taxed!) residents of DC. #StayAtHomeSafari
Instead, the American Golden Plover, a species densely flocks on the Potomac's shores, like your population. It has a dull coat, making it easy to ignore - much like our gov't can ignore the needs of the 633k unrepresented (but taxed!) residents of DC. #StayAtHomeSafari
For people crowded into a small territory, denied access to even the most basic self-governance, been systematically oppressed by the structures at work in all US cities with even LESS say in the process...

... a bird that has to dig in the mud for scraps.

#StayAtHomeSafari
For people crowded into a small territory, denied access to even the most basic self-governance, been systematically oppressed by the structures at work in all US cities with even LESS say in the process...... a bird that has to dig in the mud for scraps. #StayAtHomeSafari
For people crowded into a small territory, denied access to even the most basic self-governance, been systematically oppressed by the structures at work in all US cities with even LESS say in the process...... a bird that has to dig in the mud for scraps. #StayAtHomeSafari
For people crowded into a small territory, denied access to even the most basic self-governance, been systematically oppressed by the structures at work in all US cities with even LESS say in the process...... a bird that has to dig in the mud for scraps. #StayAtHomeSafari
For people crowded into a small territory, denied access to even the most basic self-governance, been systematically oppressed by the structures at work in all US cities with even LESS say in the process...... a bird that has to dig in the mud for scraps. #StayAtHomeSafari
But try again.

The Plover will attack eagles. Here's one kicking the shit out of a monitor lizard it's dive-bombing.

Though they be but little, they are fierce.

Especially together.

#StayAtHomeSafari
They are absolutely fearless. When something isn't afraid of you, has sharp points on three different ends, and can fly?

DON'T FUCK WITH THAT THING.

Official State Bird of Washington DC.

#StayAtHomeSafari
They are absolutely fearless. When something isn't afraid of you, has sharp points on three different ends, and can fly?DON'T FUCK WITH THAT THING.Official State Bird of Washington DC. #StayAtHomeSafari
They are absolutely fearless. When something isn't afraid of you, has sharp points on three different ends, and can fly?DON'T FUCK WITH THAT THING.Official State Bird of Washington DC. #StayAtHomeSafari
OH WHOOPS IF THEY HAVE A STATE BIRD THEY'RE A STATE OH NO OH WELL IT'S IN THE CONSTITUTION TIME FOR THEM TO HAVE SOME SENATORS.
Speaking of which Delaware doesn't get a bird because only states get birds and Delaware is more a Tax Haven with an overdeveloped ego.

The bird they try to say is their "state" bird is the "Delaware" Blue Hen, which is neither from Delaware nor a recognized breed of chicken.
Just in case one of the six people who lives in Delaware sees this though, I'll give you your precious blue hen.

In keeping with your state's corporate-friendly atmosphere! though, it's not a #StayAtHomeSafari bird.

It's a Mascot.

You can keep YoUDee. He's all yours.
Just in case one of the six people who lives in Delaware sees this though, I'll give you your precious blue hen.In keeping with your state's corporate-friendly atmosphere! though, it's not a #StayAtHomeSafari bird.It's a Mascot.You can keep YoUDee. He's all yours.
Just in case one of the six people who lives in Delaware sees this though, I'll give you your precious blue hen.In keeping with your state's corporate-friendly atmosphere! though, it's not a #StayAtHomeSafari bird.It's a Mascot.You can keep YoUDee. He's all yours.
Just in case one of the six people who lives in Delaware sees this though, I'll give you your precious blue hen.In keeping with your state's corporate-friendly atmosphere! though, it's not a #StayAtHomeSafari bird.It's a Mascot.You can keep YoUDee. He's all yours.
...

okay, I may hate the business leadership, but I can't do the /residents/ dirty like that.

If you are a WORKER in Delaware, you can have the American Coot.

No symbolism, I just love the name. And their doofy feet. #StayAtHomeSafari
...okay, I may hate the business leadership, but I can't do the /residents/ dirty like that.If you are a WORKER in Delaware, you can have the American Coot.No symbolism, I just love the name. And their doofy feet. #StayAtHomeSafari
...okay, I may hate the business leadership, but I can't do the /residents/ dirty like that.If you are a WORKER in Delaware, you can have the American Coot.No symbolism, I just love the name. And their doofy feet. #StayAtHomeSafari
...okay, I may hate the business leadership, but I can't do the /residents/ dirty like that.If you are a WORKER in Delaware, you can have the American Coot.No symbolism, I just love the name. And their doofy feet. #StayAtHomeSafari
Connecticut.

Y'all claim the American Robin. You beat out the other two states to get it.

You don't get it either.

#StayAtHomeSafari
Y'all, I've been to Connecticut. It's lovely.

For the rich white people who own the land.

Not so much for the crowded cities full of poor black and brown folks.

You're THIRD WORST IN THE US. Behind Louisiana, a gulf state with a huge backwoods, and New York, which is New York.
New York BARELY beats you, and it is home to the biggest and most densely populated city in the United States, and the biggest Metro area IN THE WORLD.

And you're just cruising right under it, with your picturesque wedding locations and homeowners associations.
#StayAtHomeSafari
Fix your shit, and you will get to have the American Robin. I have family in Connecticut, so I saved it for you.

#StayAtHomeSafari
Fix your shit, and you will get to have the American Robin. I have family in Connecticut, so I saved it for you. #StayAtHomeSafari
Fix your shit, and you will get to have the American Robin. I have family in Connecticut, so I saved it for you. #StayAtHomeSafari
Until then, your official state bird is the Shuttlecock.

Specifically, this Shuttlecock, from the badminton game in the Garden Party in Get Out.

#StayAtHomeSafari
*Third worse in Income Inequality, to be clear, I don't know if I explicitly said that and I can't go back and check because this train has no breaks and I'm all the way up to C I'm almost free.
Colorado, my State.

You have the Lark Bunting, which is a migratory bird - this fits us, as we're a whole state full of people from other places.

More accurately, four cities full of people from other places, and a state full of locals who don't much like us.

#StayAtHomeSafari
Colorado, my State.You have the Lark Bunting, which is a migratory bird - this fits us, as we're a whole state full of people from other places.More accurately, four cities full of people from other places, and a state full of locals who don't much like us. #StayAtHomeSafari
Colorado, my State.You have the Lark Bunting, which is a migratory bird - this fits us, as we're a whole state full of people from other places.More accurately, four cities full of people from other places, and a state full of locals who don't much like us. #StayAtHomeSafari
Given how many people flock (heh puns) to this state, a migratory bird would make sense... except we need to represent everyone.

And y'all.

I don't see any bird as often.

As the Black-billed Magpie.

#StayAtHomeSafari
Given how many people flock (heh puns) to this state, a migratory bird would make sense... except we need to represent everyone.And y'all.I don't see any bird as often.As the Black-billed Magpie. #StayAtHomeSafari
Given how many people flock (heh puns) to this state, a migratory bird would make sense... except we need to represent everyone.And y'all.I don't see any bird as often.As the Black-billed Magpie. #StayAtHomeSafari
Given how many people flock (heh puns) to this state, a migratory bird would make sense... except we need to represent everyone.And y'all.I don't see any bird as often.As the Black-billed Magpie. #StayAtHomeSafari
Y'all it is such a pretty bird!

And such a smart bird!

A survivor!

Corvids are SHAMEFULLY underrepresented on this list, and I intend to correct that.

And, since they're smart enough to recognize humans and remember the ones who were shitty...

#StayAtHomeSafari
Y'all it is such a pretty bird!And such a smart bird!A survivor!Corvids are SHAMEFULLY underrepresented on this list, and I intend to correct that.And, since they're smart enough to recognize humans and remember the ones who were shitty... #StayAtHomeSafari
Y'all it is such a pretty bird!And such a smart bird!A survivor!Corvids are SHAMEFULLY underrepresented on this list, and I intend to correct that.And, since they're smart enough to recognize humans and remember the ones who were shitty... #StayAtHomeSafari
Y'all it is such a pretty bird!And such a smart bird!A survivor!Corvids are SHAMEFULLY underrepresented on this list, and I intend to correct that.And, since they're smart enough to recognize humans and remember the ones who were shitty... #StayAtHomeSafari
I'm mostly just trying to get in good with them so that, when our new Corvid overlords rise up to save us from the systems we've built ourselves, they'll look kindly on me.

Come to my balcony I have raisins please I mostly just want magpie friends.

#StayAtHomeSafari
I'm mostly just trying to get in good with them so that, when our new Corvid overlords rise up to save us from the systems we've built ourselves, they'll look kindly on me.Come to my balcony I have raisins please I mostly just want magpie friends. #StayAtHomeSafari
I'm mostly just trying to get in good with them so that, when our new Corvid overlords rise up to save us from the systems we've built ourselves, they'll look kindly on me.Come to my balcony I have raisins please I mostly just want magpie friends. #StayAtHomeSafari
Magpies: I am DTF*

*Feed you whatever high-value treats you need to be friends

#StayAtHomeSafari
California.

I'm obviously going to give you the California Condor, so whatever stupid songbird you have (probably another meadowlark, goddamn) you can just say goodb-

...

what.
WHAT.

#StayAtHomeSafari
ALL OF THESE OTHER STATES HAVE RANDOM GENERIC SHIT, AND YOU - YOU HAVE A STYLISH POTATO WITH A POMPADOUR? A NATIVE ONE, THAT'S INTERESTING AND STRIKING?

YOU

HOW

YOU

HOW DID YOU DO THIS.

#StayAtHomeSafari
ALL OF THESE OTHER STATES HAVE RANDOM GENERIC SHIT, AND YOU - YOU HAVE A STYLISH POTATO WITH A POMPADOUR? A NATIVE ONE, THAT'S INTERESTING AND STRIKING?YOUHOWYOUHOW DID YOU DO THIS. #StayAtHomeSafari
ALL OF THESE OTHER STATES HAVE RANDOM GENERIC SHIT, AND YOU - YOU HAVE A STYLISH POTATO WITH A POMPADOUR? A NATIVE ONE, THAT'S INTERESTING AND STRIKING?YOUHOWYOUHOW DID YOU DO THIS. #StayAtHomeSafari
HOW DID YOU TURN ME AWAY FROM THE CONDOR.

HOW.

#StayAtHomeSafari
THIS IS SUCH A GOOD STATE BIRD THAT I'M ABSOLUTELY FURIOUS IN RETROSPECT AT THE OTHER STATES.

GODDAMNIT.

Gaze upon the California Quail, ye other states, and Despair.

#StayAtHomeSafari
Arkansas, I'm sorry.

But I just.

I don't know anything about you. Like, at all. I can't remember any historical events involving you, I can't remember any stereotypes about you.

My SISTER lives in Arkansas, and I've got nothing.

(N. Mockingbird. AGAIN.)

#stayathomesafari
You've got all the baggage any southern state does, but you manage to avoid the absolute shitshow of discrimination that keeps your neighboring states in the news. You're middle of the pack on most of the metrics. You're the kid who sits in the middle of the room.

Except.
Except.
THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO GET AWAY WITH IT, HUH? JUST SLOWLY UNDERMINE EVERY OTHER STATE'S LABOR MOVEMENT AND SIT BACK WITH SOME SWEET TEA AND KANSAS CITY BBQ?

JUST DRILL HOLES IN THE ECONOMY OF THE WORLD, AND EXTRACT THE SWEET SWEET ANTS THAT ARE OUR WEALTH?

#StayAtHomeSafari
WOODPECKERS. HAIRY WOODPECKERS.

YOU GET TO BE HAIRY WOODPECKERS, UNTIL SOMEBODY MARCHES DOWN TO THE WALDENS' COMPOUND AND FINDS THE ROOM WHERE THEY'VE LEFT THEIR CONSCIENCES TIED UP.

#StayAtHomeSafari
Remember, all.

Much like a billionaire who's a good person,

There's no such thing as a Bad Bird.

#StayAtHomeSafari
Remember, all.Much like a billionaire who's a good person,There's no such thing as a Bad Bird. #StayAtHomeSafari
Remember, all.Much like a billionaire who's a good person,There's no such thing as a Bad Bird. #StayAtHomeSafari
Remember, all.Much like a billionaire who's a good person,There's no such thing as a Bad Bird. #StayAtHomeSafari
Arizona:

The Cactus Wren.

... yeah, no notes. Good job.

#StayAtHomeSafari
Arizona:The Cactus Wren.... yeah, no notes. Good job. #StayAtHomeSafari
Arizona:The Cactus Wren.... yeah, no notes. Good job. #StayAtHomeSafari
Arizona:The Cactus Wren.... yeah, no notes. Good job. #StayAtHomeSafari
I mean I know that's the boring answer but they're very Arizona, and look at them.

They're just neat.

Good on you.

#StayAtHomeSafari
I mean I know that's the boring answer but they're very Arizona, and look at them.They're just neat.Good on you. #StayAtHomeSafari
I mean I know that's the boring answer but they're very Arizona, and look at them.They're just neat.Good on you. #StayAtHomeSafari
I mean I know that's the boring answer but they're very Arizona, and look at them.They're just neat.Good on you. #StayAtHomeSafari
Of all the states that we* expected the Fashion Forward bird serving LEWKS to come from, I gotta tell ya, Alaska was NOT at the top of the list.

*My cat and I

The Willow Ptarmigan.

Huh.

#StayAtHomeSafari
Of all the states that we* expected the Fashion Forward bird serving LEWKS to come from, I gotta tell ya, Alaska was NOT at the top of the list.*My cat and IThe Willow Ptarmigan.Huh. #StayAtHomeSafari
Of all the states that we* expected the Fashion Forward bird serving LEWKS to come from, I gotta tell ya, Alaska was NOT at the top of the list.*My cat and IThe Willow Ptarmigan.Huh. #StayAtHomeSafari
Of all the states that we* expected the Fashion Forward bird serving LEWKS to come from, I gotta tell ya, Alaska was NOT at the top of the list.*My cat and IThe Willow Ptarmigan.Huh. #StayAtHomeSafari
... I really want to cuddle one.

They just.

They look so soft.

I feel like the Grinch, as he was suffering Acute Cardiomegaly.

#StayAtHomeSafari
... I really want to cuddle one.They just.They look so soft.I feel like the Grinch, as he was suffering Acute Cardiomegaly. #StayAtHomeSafari
... I really want to cuddle one.They just.They look so soft.I feel like the Grinch, as he was suffering Acute Cardiomegaly. #StayAtHomeSafari
... I really want to cuddle one.They just.They look so soft.I feel like the Grinch, as he was suffering Acute Cardiomegaly. #StayAtHomeSafari
Maybe it's fatigue, and maybe it's the amphetamines wearing off, but I don't even want to type too loud, because I don't want to scare them.

They're just... look at them.

#StayAtHomeSafari
Maybe it's fatigue, and maybe it's the amphetamines wearing off, but I don't even want to type too loud, because I don't want to scare them.They're just... look at them. #StayAtHomeSafari
Maybe it's fatigue, and maybe it's the amphetamines wearing off, but I don't even want to type too loud, because I don't want to scare them.They're just... look at them. #StayAtHomeSafari
Maybe it's fatigue, and maybe it's the amphetamines wearing off, but I don't even want to type too loud, because I don't want to scare them.They're just... look at them. #StayAtHomeSafari
Who

who

who the fuck even am i to judge you

look at you

so

so very

birb

#StayAtHomeSafari
Which brings us.

To Alabama.

You were patient! Last on the list, but you're used to that, aren't you.

46th in Health Care
50th in Education
45th in Economy
45th in Opportunity
45th in Criminal Justice

49th state in overall outcomes, racing MS and LA to the bottom.
US News and World Report has the ONLY metrics not in the bottom 10% of States as Fiscal Stability (23rd, barely in the top half) Natural Environment (35th) and Infrastructure (38th).

And here's the thing - I'm Southern. So I know that most of the jokes about you are bullshit.
I'm not going to make a joke here about your accent.

There's nothing wrong with it.

I'm not going to joke about Southern Poverty.

That's all over the place.

I see through you.

You have black workers who cannot leave - prison labor - as servants in the Governor's Mansion.
Can't even hammer that point home too much, because you're not the only ones - Arkansas, Missouri, Oklahoma, Nebraska, Georgia, and Louisiana use the same labor system.

And it's goddamn slavery. https://www.truthdig.com/articles/at-least-seven-states-have-prison-inmates-working-in-governors-mansions-and-capitol-buildings/
At Least Seven States Have Prison Inmates Working in Governors' Mansions and Capitol Buildings

The 13th Amendment provides a loophole that allows for the legality of unpaid prison labor, which is sometimes called "modern-day slavery."

https://www.truthdig.com/articles/at-least-seven-states-have-prison-inmates-working-in-governors-mansions-and-capitol-buildings/
You missed house slaves so goddamn much, you decided you couldn't live without them.
Alabama. Capital of the Confederacy. Unrepentant.

Republicans (when they were the party of Reconstruction and defending black rights) could never get a foothold in your state.

Then Goldwater, Reagan, and Nixon grabbed the GOP by the balls and dragged them to white supremacy.
When the Republicans made it clear they were the party of Racism, of the "Good old days," of the way things were when everybody knew their place

You flocked to them.

They have complete control of your government. Every statewide office.

And it hurts you.

And you don't care.
You don't care.

So neither will I.
The official state bird of Alabama deserves better than you.

You don't deserve the Yellowhammer.

#StayAtHomeSafari
The official state bird of Alabama deserves better than you.You don't deserve the Yellowhammer. #StayAtHomeSafari
The official state bird of Alabama deserves better than you.You don't deserve the Yellowhammer. #StayAtHomeSafari
So from this day forward, the State Bird of Alabama will be a plastic Walmart bag, caught on a tree, fence, or power line.

It's fluttering in the breeze, which you've tricked yourself into believing is good enough.

It's not. It never will be.

But you don't care.
You're fine with suffering, as long as certain people suffer more.

I can't even muster the energy to be angry. You disappoint me in every way a state can.
To all the people stuck in Alabama, by race or poverty or any of the structural issues that Alabama is apparently just fine with maintaining,

The Yellowhammer is YOURS.

If you want to take back the state and make it better, I support you.

If, like it, you'd like to migrate...
I wish you a strong wind at your back.

/end.
That was such a fucking downer ending, and I'm so sorry, but where the fuck do you go from there? That's the world.

Let me offer some hope maybe, as a post script.

If the state can fix its shit it'll earn the Magnificent Frigatebird.

Start with your schools. #StayAtHomeSafari
That was such a fucking downer ending, and I'm so sorry, but where the fuck do you go from there? That's the world.Let me offer some hope maybe, as a post script.If the state can fix its shit it'll earn the Magnificent Frigatebird. Start with your schools. #StayAtHomeSafari
That was such a fucking downer ending, and I'm so sorry, but where the fuck do you go from there? That's the world.Let me offer some hope maybe, as a post script.If the state can fix its shit it'll earn the Magnificent Frigatebird. Start with your schools. #StayAtHomeSafari
That was such a fucking downer ending, and I'm so sorry, but where the fuck do you go from there? That's the world.Let me offer some hope maybe, as a post script.If the state can fix its shit it'll earn the Magnificent Frigatebird. Start with your schools. #StayAtHomeSafari
That was such a fucking downer ending, and I'm so sorry, but where the fuck do you go from there? That's the world.Let me offer some hope maybe, as a post script.If the state can fix its shit it'll earn the Magnificent Frigatebird. Start with your schools. #StayAtHomeSafari
No, wait.

Here's the proper PS I can give you.

There's a town in Alaska named after their soft snow birbs.

But nobody in town was sure how to spell Ptarmigan.

So they named the town Chicken to avoid embarrassing themselves.

NOW /END #StayAtHomeSafari

https://twitter.com/joehammon/status/1245915742593150984
No, wait.Here's the proper PS I can give you.There's a town in Alaska named after their soft snow birbs.But nobody in town was sure how to spell Ptarmigan.So they named the town Chicken to avoid embarrassing themselves.NOW /END #StayAtHomeSafari https://twitter.com/joehammon/status/1245915742593150984
No, wait.Here's the proper PS I can give you.There's a town in Alaska named after their soft snow birbs.But nobody in town was sure how to spell Ptarmigan.So they named the town Chicken to avoid embarrassing themselves.NOW /END #StayAtHomeSafari https://twitter.com/joehammon/status/1245915742593150984
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