My uncle’s funeral last weekend could’ve been a Tyler Perry movie. But my favorite part was when my great uncle gave the same eulogy 3 times because he has dementia. He’d speak, sit down, then after other people spoke, he’d stand up—“I’d like to say a few words.” Back to step 1.

And I kept saying, “Let the man finish” when other people tried to usher him off the stage because I’m an agent of chaos.

The funniest eulogy was from his ex-wife, Nancy. She said that once their daughter asked him to help her choose a mythical creature for a school project. He told her that his favorite mythical animal was a platypus. Nancy was like

She told him that a platypus was, in fact, a real animal. He called her a liar. And every single day was like that. Because even though he never knew wtf he was talking about, he always knew what he was talking about. And that’s the way it was.

Then Unc’s best friend, Ron, got up to speak. “I’ve been Troy’s best friend for 40 years. Before I went to jail, we ran the entire city of Fremont. We were selling the best drugs and fucking the baddest bitches and—“

My nephew was like

Then my aunt stood up and told him to sit his goofy ass down. My niece is crying. And I’m sitting there like

Then there’s my father, who also has dementia, in his wheelchair demanding we leave early in the middle of someone’s eulogy because he’s “GOT MORE IMPORTANT SHIT TO DO”

Dad: Push me outside for some fresh air.

Me: Dad, it’s raining. And it’s cold. I don’t want you to get sick.

Dad: I said PUSH ME OUTSIDE YOU UNGRATEFUL MFER!

*pushes him outside*

Dad: Why would you push me out into the rain?! You know my immune system is weak!

Me:

My Aunt: Come meet my nephew, he writes tv shows. He gotta new show called Whiskey 69.

Me: No. Auntie, it’s called 68 Whiskey, it’s about combat medics in Afgha—

Her Husband: Who’s 69ing what now?! Sounds like my kinda show!

I fell asleep mid-thread.

My Aunt: Been a minute since we got some whiskey for the 69.

Her Husband: Well shidddd. What time this thing end?

Me:

Meanwhile: My dad’s in the background screaming for someone to come push him in his wheelchair. So my other aunt, his older sister, pushes him into the corner, tells him to behave. But now he’s screaming about his funeral and that he’s gonna haunt everyone when he’s dead.

So my aunt gives him some lil smokies dipped in mustard to shut him up like he’s a toddler. A few minutes later, I look over and my dad’s got mustard all over his face and shirt.

And by this point, I am just tired. But after we take all of our family photos, I still have a 2.5 hour long drive home with my father in the pouring rain. And my father is the worst backseat driver, because not only is he loud, he’s wrong about 90% of the directions he’s giving.

Dad: Dont take 84. It’s too twisty and I get car sick.

Me: We’re taking 680.

Dad: Well you gotta exit here for 680.

Me: We are literally on 680 right now.

GPS: In 10 miles exit for 580.

Dad: Told you.

Me: ...

Dad: You never listen. Got a hard head.

Me: ...

Me: 680 leads to 580. They’re two completely different freeways.

Dad: Boy, I was driving the 280s, 880s, 680s and the 580s before you were born. Stop talking to me like I’m dumb.

So I turn on the radio. John Lennon’s Imagine comes on. And finally some peace. I look over and my dad’s got tears streaming down his face.

“I was at a Stevie Wonder concert with Troy the night John Lennon was murdered. I’m going to miss him. I’m going to miss both of them.”

Fin.

Epilogue: I did the googles to see if Stevie Wonder even had a show the night John Lennon was murdered. Because he has dementia, my father tends to make things up. But Stevie Wonder DID play a show on 12/8/1980 in Oakland, CA. And here’s a video of that announcement.

Lmaoooo, I totally forgot: As I was dropping my dad off, we passed a Boston Market. Pops says he’s hungry and wants a pot pie so I take him. At the counter, the guy asks what my dad wants. Pops points into the case, “One of everything.” The guy looks at me, and I’m like

So after about 20 minutes of packing and ringing everything up, dude’s like the total comes out $95. I look over at my old man, and he’s now pretending to be asleep in his wheel chair.

Smmfh.

It’s happening.

So after the funeral I got a bunch of friend requests from family members I fell out of touch with over the years.

I logged onto FB this morning, and this is the first thing I see from my cousin. I’m so sick of y’all. I swear lmao.