Did you have a lackluster Valentine’s Day?

Do you want to spice things up in the bedroom but don’t know how?

Many relationship experts will suggest trying something “50 shades” like

And this is not the worst suggestion

But I’ve got something even better. I’ll call it 500 shades of grey

Let’s get freaky with some medieval torture devices

Rope and handcuffs are so lame. I suggest the Rack!

Have your way with her and she might even grow a few inches in the process

It’s always important to pay close attention to a woman’s breasts. So why not introduce the Breast ripper into the bedroom. She won’t be needing those anymore.

Ok you want your girlfriend on her knees more we get that. Well use the knee splitter and she’ll probably never be able to walk again so it’s a win for you!

Many women love to be choked, but why not take it a step further. Why not completely crush her head? Her brains will be oozing out her eye sockets in no time.

Why tie her to the bed when you can tie her to a wheel? Bonus points if you hammer wooden pieces through her wrists and ankles.

You want her to ride you, so why not get her the gift of the wooden horse The weight of a woman’s body on the horse often causes their private parts to rip in half!

And last but not least the Judas cradle. If you’re into butt stuff this is the thing for you. I think you can figure this one out for yourself.

So there we have it. Spice up your sex life with 500 shades of grey.

She’ll either love it or be dead.

Either way it’s a win/win!!