Asalam Alaykum, Muslim men.

Let us talk about our complicit part in the degradation of the Muslim home.

THREAD!!!

For all intents, I am going to restrict this thread to Yoruba Muslim men since I am a part of them and I see how culture can have a pervasive influence on how a lot of them practise the Deen.

So anywhere you see Muslim, just read (Yoruba Muslim men) though this thread may apply to Muslims from other tribes.

Now let us get to it, shall we?

Take a tour of any Yoruba Muslim wedding and you are liable to see the cleric admonishing the wife on her duties while also reinforcing the fact that her husband may eventually marry another wife.

"Me lo'lorun wii" or something along that line.

In a world with the power balance already skewed in favour of the male gender, this is a message that oftentimes sets the tone for enmity in what should be a loving union.

You have to ask yourself the reason why Yoruba mothers over the years often advise their daughters to focus more on their children 'cause "okunrin o see gbokan lee".

I don't know about you but this is as a result of generational mistrust engendered by the misdeeds of our fathers

Now let us take an intense look on what Allah and the Rosul expect of us as Muslim men.

Our roles towards building a healthy and vibrant Muslim home which in turn, cascades into a productive society.

The Prophet said:

“The best of you are the ones who treat their family the best. And I am the best of you towards my family.”

How many of y'all Muslim men treat their families right? Search into your soul; do some serious introspection before complaining about 'feminism'

The Rosul said:

“On the Resurrection Day, I am the enemy of any man who unduly beats his wife. Do not beat your wives. Thus whoever unduly beats his wife has surely disobeyed God and His Prophet.”

How many Muslim men adhere to this?

A man is supposed to be kind and polite to his wife. He is supposed to ignore her mistakes while ensuring she becomes a better person.

He is supposed to be patient with her to be granted the divine rewards that the Noble Prophet promised.

"Men are the maintainers of women because Allah has made some of them to excel others...” (4:34).

Therefore, men have a greater and more difficult responsibility in supporting their families.

Do you know how much of a responsibility this is?

Yet, all we see around us are Muslim men who have shirked their responsibilities which results in Muslimahs who are distrustful of the intention of any man.

Dropping money alone does not mean you are in charge of your home, alaye.

A man should know that a woman is also a human being like a man. She also has desires and the rights of freedom and life. Marrying a woman is not hiring a servant, but it is a selection of a partner and a friend who would be able to live with for the rest of one's life.

However, because most Muslim men tend to misbehave whenever they are the sole providers -- blackmailing their wives due to their unilateral control of the pursestrings; this situation often results in the wives seeking for jobs to take care of their kids.

You wonder why some Yoruba Muslimahs are scared of polygyny and you see Muslim men who have made a mess of the institution which informs their scepticism.

It is easy to pontificate, 'it is Halal' without realizing you are dealing with humans.

Dear Sir! Your wife before marrying you was enjoying her parents' love and kindness. Now that she has entered into a marriage agreement with you and now that she has chosen to live with you for the rest of her life, she expects you to fulfil her desires for love and affection.

She expects you to show more love to her than she received from her parents and friends. She has trusted you extremely and that is why she has entrusted you with her existence.

If you deprive your wife of kindness, then she would lose interest in her house, children and, above all, in you. Your house would always be in a messy condition. She would not be prepared to make efforts for a person who does not love her.

Family love and friendship is more precious than anything else and that is why Allah has regarded it as one of the signs of power and a great blessing which mankind has been endowed with.

"..And one of His signs is that He created mates for you from yourselves that you may find rest in them and He put between you love and compassion; most surely there are signs in this for a people who reflect." (30:21)

A woman is proud of herself just the same as a man would be. She likes to be respected by others. She would get hurt if she were to be insulted or belittled. She feels good when respected and would hate those who try to degrade her.

Dear Sir! your wife surely expects you to respect her more than others. She has every right to expect her life partner and best friend to care for her.

She works for you and your children's comfort and thus expects you to value her efforts and to respect her.

Honouring her would not belittle you but it would indeed go to prove your love and affection towards her.

Therefore, respect her more than others and talk to her politely. Do not interrupt her or shout at her. Call her by respectful and virtuous names

Show your respect for her when in gatherings. Seriously avoid all insults and humiliation. Do not abuse her. Do not think that because you are close to her she would not mind you making fun of her. On the contrary, she will dislike such an attitude but may not express it.

Dear Sir! Marrying is not equal to getting a slave. You cannot treat a free person as a slave. Your wife has married you in order to live with you and to share her life with a man whom she loves.

She expects the same things from you as you do from her. Therefore treat her in a manner in which you would like to be treated.

Dear Sir! We are not in a position and cannot control the affairs of this world. Mishaps, hardships, and sorrowful events are all inseparable parts of this life. Everybody experiences difficulties at different times.

As a matter of fact, one can reach maturity through hardship. One must confront them with strength and must try to find solutions to them.

If we do not lose heart when faced with hardships and try to control ourselves, we can, through prudence, overcome our difficulties. In this way, we would not resort to anger which may itself add to our problems.

Therefore, a wise person is the one who is not affected by hardships.

We have the ability to overcome all difficulties through patience and wisdom. Is it not a pity that we lose control over matters resulting from inevitable events of life?

Moreover, why should you blame your wife and children for your misfortunes?

"The Prophet of Allah (S) stated: 'Whoever is more well-behaved is more complete in his faith. The best among you (the people) is one who does good to his family'."'

Dear Sir! What is the point of making complaints all the time? What do you achieve by moaning? Why should your family suffer if you are angry with the taxi driver? Why do you blame your wife if your business is not brisk?

Once a wise woman finds out her husband's wishes about any matter, she would try to conform with them.

Therefore, a man and a woman who care for each other and their family, can through talking together in a kind manner, reach many agreements on all matters.

In this way, most women are prepared to conform to their husbands' occasional demands.

But if his participation takes the form of picking up fault and constant moaning, then the housewife gets used to them and consequently, this attitude becomes a usual affair from which nothing useful would result.

A woman with a moaning husband would not take him seriously. She may even ignore his proper and important points of concern. She would reason for herself "Why should I waste my energy if my husband is not ever satisfied with my work?"

Not only would she ignore her husband's criticism, but might even take retaliatory measures.

Dear Sir! Why should you look at your wife with a view of finding her faults and why do you place so much importance on her trivial defects? Why do you magnify her deficiencies so much so that it causes suffering for you and your family?

Have you ever seen a perfect woman? Are you perfect yourself? What are trivial deficiencies worth that you endanger your marriage for their sake?

Be certain that if you look at your wife with a logical and fair view, you would see many good points about her. You look and see that her merits would outweigh her deficiencies.

Dear Sir! Do not be deceived. Those deficiencies that your family set forth for your wife are not relevant; and even if they are not trivial, then remember that nobody is perfect.

Anyway, are your sister, mother or others who criticize your wife, themselves perfect beings?

So it is better for you to tell your mother, sister and others right now that your wife suits you and that you love her. You must declare to them that they should stop criticizing your wife or else your wife or else you would cut off your relationship with them.

Once they feel your firm attitude, they would stop their instigative attitude and you may find peace with your wife.

Based on what scholars say, a woman lawfully is not duty-bound to carry out housework such as cleaning, cooking etc.

Although the majority of women do carry out these works of a housewife on their own, these are not mandatory.

Men should be grateful to their wives for their work in the house.

Therefore, no man has the right to question or punish his wife when faced with her refusal to carry out the housekeeping chores.

" O you who believe! avoid most of suspicion, for surely suspicion in some cases, is a sin..." (49:12)

The Prophet of Allah stated: 'Whoever, falsely, accuses his wife of committing adultery would lose all the benefits from his good deeds just as a snake sheds its skin. And for each hair on his body, one thousand sins would be written down in his record

As long as a woman's unfaithfulness is not proved through firm evidence, a man does not have any right to accuse her, otherwise, he would be committing a sin.

Dear Sir! For the sake of Allah stop being suspicious. Consider yourself a fair judge and view the problem with logic. Measure the degree of the possibility of your wife's unfaithfulness and find out whether it is definite, just a suspicion, or even feasible?

I am not saying that you should be indifferent or careless but that you should act upon the amount of evidence you possess and not more. Why should you exaggerate the problem with baseless suspicion and make life difficult for yourself and your family?

If you are suspicious of your wife, do not discuss it with just anyone whom you see, because they might approve of your suspicion out of enmity, simplicity or carelessness.

The best approach, however, is for you to talk to your wife and ask her for an explanation. But you should not seek to prove her guilt. Listen to what she has to tell you and decide like a fair judge who is free from any prejudice.

At least try to believe her and imagine your brother-in-law is presenting you with evidence of your sister's unfaithfulness. Why should you act mercilessly and regard her as a proven criminal'?

Be wise and patient, lest you divorce her on baseless grounds.

Dear Sir! if you cannot tolerate a dirty and shabby dressed wife, and you expect her to look clean and beautiful at home, then be sure that she expects the same from you. She, too, hates the sight of a dirty, smelly and untidy husband. She also likes to see you clean and smart.

The Prophet of Allah stated: 'You (men) must make yourselves tidy and be prepared for your wives, as you would like them (your women) to be prepared for you'."

Some men are truly unfair, unjust, and foolish. They leave their wives and children at home and spend their nights somewhere else. The money that they should spend at home for the family, they waste at other places.

Such men have not yet understood the meaning of love and affection and regard their cheap and filthy enjoyments as a way of good living. They overlook the fact that they would degrade themselves through such deeds. Others would recognize them as silly and impudent.

Dear sir! you are now married. You should not act like a bachelor. You are responsible for your wife and the children. Do not associate with unworthy friends. Return home as soon as you finish your work.

Enjoy family life and be a good company for your wife and the children. Even if your nightly amusements are not wrong they can be nevertheless harmful to you and your married life.

Some men are truly emotionless. When their wives are young and good-looking they enjoy their company, but leave them when they lose their good look.

Dear Sir! You are not an animal whose life is all about eating and lust. You are a human being with emotion, conscience and sacrificial characteristics. Is it really fair that you pursue your enjoyment away from your wife?

Dear Sir! It is your responsibility to familiarize your wife with Islamic precepts and to teach her the dos and don'ts of the religion. Make her learn about Islamic behaviour.

If you cannot do this then seek help from others or arrange for books and articles on Islam and make her read and practice them. You can even arrange her education and training through an honest and learned person.

"O you who believe! Save yourselves and your families from a fire whose fuel is men and stones..." (66:6).

Dear Sir: you are claiming to be a civilized and modern human being, so abstain from having such evil thoughts regarding a child's gender. What difference does it make if you have a girl or a boy? They are both your offspring and both can advance towards perfection.

The Prophet of Islam stated: 'The best of your children are your daughters'.

Anyway, is it a woman's fault if she gives birth to a girl? The man and wife are both involved in the action of procreation and a man has no right to blame his wife for this matter.

Otherwise, it is just as reasonable for a woman to blame her husband in this regard. However, neither are to be blamed, as it is only the will of Allah to determine the sex of a baby.

Dear brother! Your child is your responsibility too. Do you think it is fair to leave your wife with a crying baby while you rest in a separate room? Is this the proper way of doing things in your house?

Just as you work hard outside the house, your wife works hard inside it, and she needs her sleep just as much as you do yours. She, too, does not enjoy from a screaming baby but she perseveres.

Dear madam/sir! For the sake of Allah and for the sake of your innocent children, be forgiving towards each other. Do not exaggerate trivial problems and do not persist in your arguments. Do not pick up faults with each other.

THE END!