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Found pics from 2013 of the mouse infested house I lived in with like twelve strangers. I was very sad and poor so spent all my time drinking Four Loko, eating Taco Bell, having Skype sex with an ex, and reading books. I also wore a Cheerios face plate for some reason
One of my roomies knocked on my door drunk in the middle of the night even though we hadn't met. She told me about being vegan, about how in India she watched a funeral pyre burn on the beach. The smell of human flesh reminded her of Burger King. It made her hungry for meat.
This is when I started my fake OK Cupid of an illiterate pregnant teen with seven fingers. She only dated married men. I lived near a McDonald's so sent the guys there. I'd get a coffee then wait for them to show up, looking all over for the girl who promised to eat their feces.
They never knew they were being watched by the person they'd actually talked to. I wanted to plan a date with like ten of them at once. They were to buy just a thing of fries then go to the upper level so "Sasha" could identify them. The idea being that they'd all look at each...
other and wonder if they'd been had. I'd be up there too, pretending to be one of them. Unfortunately, much like 99% of my great ideas, I never got around to it.
I did go to that McDonald's a lot though. I'd find 2-for-1 coupons and use them as it was all I could afford.
I did go to that McDonald's a lot though. I'd find 2-for-1 coupons and use them as it was all I could afford.
I remember these free Chipotle coupons coming in. We had a pile for junk mail so I sorted through that and found more of them. Ate a lot of Chipotle that week lolz.
This was also early days of me banging every Craigslist stranger who'd have me. I remember this one girl had me...
This was also early days of me banging every Craigslist stranger who'd have me. I remember this one girl had me...
...over but we only had like ten minutes to fuck before her roomie got home so we just did it on the couch. Twas awful 
There was also this elderly lesbian who met me in a grocery store parking lot post midnight. Her pictures had been vague. When she met she wore an...
There was also this elderly lesbian who met me in a grocery store parking lot post midnight. Her pictures had been vague. When she met she wore an...
...oversized raincoat that made her look like she was about to film the sequel to Se7en and stuff my head in a box. She had a nice bod but her face looked like a beat up hubcap. I wanted to run away but didn't. We went to her house which had stacks of dogs in crates facing her...
...bed. We fucked around as her dogs yipped and watched me suck their master's nipples. I remember she smelled of oranges. I really wanted to go but she kept asking me to fuck her as she hadn't had dick in decades (I think?).
She was also supa into horoscopes. I told her...
She was also supa into horoscopes. I told her...
...I'm an atheist but she insisted on explaining my astrological signs to me anyways (a recurring theme throughout my Craigslist sex life). She went on and on about portents of my future. I told her I was sorry but wasn't feeling this. She then guilted me into cuddling longer.
It's funny in that I fucked a fair amount of strangers during this time (when I wasn't so depressed that I'd just sit in my room for a week straight) and yet can't remember most of their names or faces. I don't know if that's the fog of depression or just the sands of time.
Without getting too much into it I also had a friend who sold panties over the internet during this era.
One time I had to mail some for her for some reason. I 100% jacked off with them (she was cool with it) and I just think it's funny that the internet dude who bought...
One time I had to mail some for her for some reason. I 100% jacked off with them (she was cool with it) and I just think it's funny that the internet dude who bought...
...them had no idea that those things had already been well used by my nasty ass. I was careful not to spill seed or sniff away too much of the scent (I'm a disgusting pig, I know!).
When the Craigslist sex dried up I started my years long campaign of fake CL ads. I had...
When the Craigslist sex dried up I started my years long campaign of fake CL ads. I had...
...this one titled "I WANT YOU TO FILL MY ASS FULL OF YOUR PUPPY MAKING CUM."
It was about this girl who used to fuck her dog but now it was dead. Since its passing she'd sewn a human-sized dog costume that looked just like her old pet. She wanted someone to dress in the suit...
It was about this girl who used to fuck her dog but now it was dead. Since its passing she'd sewn a human-sized dog costume that looked just like her old pet. She wanted someone to dress in the suit...
...then ass fuck her as she moaned the dog's name. I'm pretty sure I also said they weren't allowed to talk and could only bark as they fucked her. Anyways, I got tons of responses to that ad. One was from an over eager dude who was like a vet tech. He sent me photos of him at...
...work and one with a parrot on his shoulder. God I wish I still had those emails. Some of them are quite funny.
As far as I can remember I never spied on any of the CL guys, just sent them off to like far away suburbs to meet for canine kink sex.
I wrote a million...
As far as I can remember I never spied on any of the CL guys, just sent them off to like far away suburbs to meet for canine kink sex.
I wrote a million...
...other disgusting and absurd ads but can't remember most of them. I do recall one where my character lived in a tiny apartment with a Murphy bed (fold down from the wall) and she wanted to fuck with the bed folded up so they'd be banging in a tiny spot in the wall. I guess...
...that was one of my nicer ones. Most were way more absurd/gross/mean/fucked up.
Years later I wrote this hilarious ad of a girl with no legs who wanted to ass fuck guys with her stumps. I still have the emails for those (I think) and need to put them in a thread for y'all.
Years later I wrote this hilarious ad of a girl with no legs who wanted to ass fuck guys with her stumps. I still have the emails for those (I think) and need to put them in a thread for y'all.
Also during this time I'd take these endless walks for hours through the city (Minneapolis). Often it was winter and still I'd trudge for hours through snow, listening to podcasts and tunes, sipping booze, trying to quiet my mind. I'd walk through the college area and see all...
...these people with friends but I had none. Not even my roomies. I didn't know most of their names. We lived in a big old house whose basement was full of old mattresses but none of us were friends. I felt painfully awkward there so would walk across the Mississippi and throw...
...snowballs into the flow. Make an 8-10 mile trek on foot to circle the Uptown lakes and skid on ice. I was just so lost and aimless and out of energy. Plus the house had fucking mice!
Looking back that year of my life seems like a coma dream. In some ways it was. Just sipping booze, shooting ooze, and trolling strangers in an attempt to wake up. Didn't work. But hey, at least I made a lot of married men horny for an illiterate teen who lived with her grandpa.
Oh I guess one addendum: I wound up being unable to afford living in this hovel so had to sublet and move back in with my parents for the summer before moving to Portland in the fall. The girl I subletted to seemed really nice so I covered her deposit and first month of rent...
...as she wouldn't have the money for like a week. Then she just ghosted and didn't send the money. I had literally let her move in a week early (for free) and just slept in my car in the heat because I wanted to help her dumb ass.
Next I was down in Tennessee for Bonnaroo...
Next I was down in Tennessee for Bonnaroo...
...(bought my tix during healthier financial times and had to eat garbage off the ground during the fest but hey Macca was worth it) and literally didn't have enough for gas back home as she'd shorted me more than a grand. I had to threaten a lawyer...
...(fake ass threat, no way I could afford one) just to get what I was owed. Then at the end of her lease she accused me of ripping her off on the deposit because she'd done her math wrong. I went point by point in how she was mistaken, how she fucked me over, and said if she...
...needed more help with basic addition she could talk to my grade school nephew. Never did hear from her again 
I almost never visit Minneapolis anymore but when I do I always drive through Dinkytown to look at my old house. To think about sleeping on a floor mattress...
I almost never visit Minneapolis anymore but when I do I always drive through Dinkytown to look at my old house. To think about sleeping on a floor mattress...
...with no sheets as mice peeked through holes in the wall. To think about all the ways my life has changed in wonderful, unpredictable ways since then. But also to think of how some things have stayed the same. Those elements unceasing. How you can't escape yourself no matter...
...how hard ya try. How you can't flee from the pokes, prods, and hindrances of one's brain. How you can't escape yourself through sleaze. Through cum and booze and toying with others. Through shifting from one city to another. Those things are fine but def not answers when...
...you don't even know the question. When all that's certain is that wherever you go you'll be right there.
That's a thought of both comfort and distress. You know you can gain control but also life's an endless race where you feel you've already been lapped a hundred times.
That's a thought of both comfort and distress. You know you can gain control but also life's an endless race where you feel you've already been lapped a hundred times.
I guess ya gotta get off the ground and run again. Or, ya know, just chill and see what happens.
tl;dr: don't drink dog cum
tl;dr: don't drink dog cum
Oh shit how could I forget this!!
Before moving in the landlord showed me another flop rooming house down the street. He said the youngest person there was like 65. There was also a live-in maid who was some shriveled up old lady WHO LIVED IN A FUCKING CLOSET UNDER THE STAIRS!!
Before moving in the landlord showed me another flop rooming house down the street. He said the youngest person there was like 65. There was also a live-in maid who was some shriveled up old lady WHO LIVED IN A FUCKING CLOSET UNDER THE STAIRS!!
I swear I'm not a serial killer but I think we can all agree that literally anyone could say I was and then get me into the electric chair in under a week even though this was their sole scrap of evidence.
A few more random memories from then:
-An upstairs roomie blared rap music around 5-6am every single morning. It always woke me up and I started wearing ear plugs to bed. I was too timid to tell the asshole to knock it off. Then he came to my room one day and accused me of...
-An upstairs roomie blared rap music around 5-6am every single morning. It always woke me up and I started wearing ear plugs to bed. I was too timid to tell the asshole to knock it off. Then he came to my room one day and accused me of...
...drinking his beer. Dumbass, I only swish Four Loko!
-Someone in the house threw their tp in the trash next to the toilet. We all had to look at dried shit rags every time we went in there. Eventually someone printed up a notice and stuck it to the bathroom door. I signed it.
-Someone in the house threw their tp in the trash next to the toilet. We all had to look at dried shit rags every time we went in there. Eventually someone printed up a notice and stuck it to the bathroom door. I signed it.
-The guy in the room next to me banged a bunch of ladies and I could hear it all. It reminded me of my first Portland apartment where the wall neighbors always fought and then would sometimes have crazy loud sex while I sat on the couch watching videos of people who wear...
...inflatable clothes. Also reminds me of the Christmas in Olympia where we opened presents with my mom but the whole time could hear the downstairs neighbor getting fucked.
-Back in Minneapolis I had a girl come stay for like a week. The shower was huge so we fucked in there...
-Back in Minneapolis I had a girl come stay for like a week. The shower was huge so we fucked in there...
...only to realize afterward that there were used bandages stuck all over the walls 
-For my birthday she painted this portrait of an owl onto my little computer table. Later I took it to Bonnaroo to sleep under and my camp neighbors used it as their coke snorting platform
-For my birthday she painted this portrait of an owl onto my little computer table. Later I took it to Bonnaroo to sleep under and my camp neighbors used it as their coke snorting platform
I haven't even touched on my first Minneapolis apartment which is where I lived directly before the rat nest I just described.
At my first apartment I had one normal roomie, one roomie who was an old man (he'd walk around in his undies, get drunk all the time, collect my...
At my first apartment I had one normal roomie, one roomie who was an old man (he'd walk around in his undies, get drunk all the time, collect my...
...used cans because he needed them to make rent, talk to the women I had over, tell me about his coke snorting days, and try to get me to buy stuff from his 19 year old son who sold encyclopedias door to door and was afraid of the number two), and one roomie who aspired to be...
...a rapper (he'd make me listen to his raps, told me he'd been living with his grandma but got kicked out or something, said his ex girlfriend was a prostitute, had a bunch of fucked up people over, and never paid his rent even though he always had money for booze and weed...
...and so got evicted, after which I went through all the stuff he left behind including rap notebooks and this Christmas cookie tin from his grandma that he used to store his weed).
Despite all that I really liked living there! First two pics are his tin, next two are my room.
Despite all that I really liked living there! First two pics are his tin, next two are my room.
I wrote about that first apartment here:
https://gabfrab.com/2013/03/07/minneapolis-sniff-adventures/
This piece is great but is part of a series. The rest of the series ain't so great. Avoid that shit, please
https://gabfrab.com/2013/03/07/minneapolis-sniff-adventures/
This piece is great but is part of a series. The rest of the series ain't so great. Avoid that shit, please
To circle back to the start of this thread, that first pic of my room has hobo signs on the wall. The North Dakota one is from an old hitchhiker I picked up in the middle of Montana and drove like 800 miles. He bought donuts and told me about his appendix exploding in the woods.
He only lived because a ranger happened to drive by and hear him screaming for help.
We listened to storytelling podcasts and one of them was about a girl jacking a dude off and then getting a face spray of semen. He seemed to think it funny. Thank god. Coulda got awkward.
We listened to storytelling podcasts and one of them was about a girl jacking a dude off and then getting a face spray of semen. He seemed to think it funny. Thank god. Coulda got awkward.
I wrote about him and various other hitchers I've scooped (including one with a jar full of hobo teeth) right here: https://gabfrab.com/2014/07/26/prescription-teeth/
If you're interested more in Sasha, the seven-fingered teen addicted to eating both ass and Big Macs, you can read all about her life of trolling married men right here:
https://gabfrab.com/2018/02/02/i-perfumed-my-ass-for-you/
It's pretty funny!
https://gabfrab.com/2018/02/02/i-perfumed-my-ass-for-you/
It's pretty funny!
I have a million Sasha sagas that I've either never written about or forgot or lost the messages from.
The dumbest was when I was really craving Jimmy John's so tried insanely hard to get a guy to buy her a #13 from there. He was to then hide it in public for her to go grab...
The dumbest was when I was really craving Jimmy John's so tried insanely hard to get a guy to buy her a #13 from there. He was to then hide it in public for her to go grab...
...so as for him to prove his loyalty.
She said if he played the game she'd suck him off or lick the shit from his ass when they finally met up.
I got like four guys to agree to it so I'd go stake out the spot looking for my sandwich and they all flaked! I never got my #13 :(
She said if he played the game she'd suck him off or lick the shit from his ass when they finally met up.
I got like four guys to agree to it so I'd go stake out the spot looking for my sandwich and they all flaked! I never got my #13 :(
This is the table that my Bonnaroo neighbors snorted lines off of. You can see the nest I built to sleep under. Roo is fuckin' hot and it made for good shade!
The bloody baby backpack was my free candy dispenser. I jammed suckers into its head then let strangers pluck them free.
The bloody baby backpack was my free candy dispenser. I jammed suckers into its head then let strangers pluck them free.
