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So, uh, Twitter – can we talk about Jolene?
A song I’ve never really listened to past the first few “Jolene Jolene”s but just came on the radio.
& … like …
My God
It is literally the gayest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.
A song I’ve never really listened to past the first few “Jolene Jolene”s but just came on the radio.
& … like …
My God
It is literally the gayest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.
I mean, I always assumed it was about what it claimed to be about: the singer not wanting some chick called Jolene to take her dude.
But now that I’ve actually listened to the, y’know, the song that makes abso-fucking-lutely zero sense.
But now that I’ve actually listened to the, y’know, the song that makes abso-fucking-lutely zero sense.
First off, there’s the fact the song is called Jolene & about Jolene & you do not sing somebody’s name that many times in a row unless you seriously, seriously want to bone down on them.
By the time you hit the fourth Jolene there’s already something pretty vocally orgasmic going on right there.
While the dude the singer CLAIMS to be worried about is wildly absent for the entire song.
& the best motivation offered for Jolene wanting this fellow at all is “because [she] can”.
& the best motivation offered for Jolene wanting this fellow at all is “because [she] can”.
Nothing to do with his personality, his good looks or his big dick.
Nope.
Guy has nothing going for him beyond the rudiments of existence.
Nope.
Guy has nothing going for him beyond the rudiments of existence.
Like some kinda Y-chromosomed Everest.
Jolene, meanwhile, gets entire verses to her hawtitude: flaming locks, ivory skin, eyes of emerald green.
Lady looks like a romance heroine.
Lady looks like a romance heroine.
Also she smiles at the singer like “a breath of spring”.
That does not, to me, sound even a little bit like she’s interested in stealing anyone’s completely generic man.
That does not, to me, sound even a little bit like she’s interested in stealing anyone’s completely generic man.
& besides what evidence do we have that Generic Man—let’s call him Bernard—is into Jolene in the first place?
Oh right: saying her name in his sleep.
Which is clearly nonsense because the only time I’ve ever called out someone’s name in my sleep has been when I’ve been having a nightmare.
Or one of those weird dreams where you’re like “Jolene …Jolene … stop turning into a badger … Jolene.”
It’s definitely not a sign of illicit burning passion.
Assuming Bernard is even capable of that.
Because burning passion, illicit or otherwise, seems a bit of a reach for a dude who doesn’t even get a verse.
Assuming Bernard is even capable of that.
Because burning passion, illicit or otherwise, seems a bit of a reach for a dude who doesn’t even get a verse.
& speaking of Bernard, let’s address the singer’s feelings towards him.
Which, frankly, reek of desperation.
“You don’t know what he means to me” & “I could never love again” & “he’s the only for me.”
Which, frankly, reek of desperation.
“You don’t know what he means to me” & “I could never love again” & “he’s the only for me.”
& I gotta tell you, children, that is not what true love looks like.
That, right there, is queer panic.
That is “Okay, Bernard is the closest I can get to heterosexuality so I need to see it through.”
That, right there, is queer panic.
That is “Okay, Bernard is the closest I can get to heterosexuality so I need to see it through.”
On top of which, let’s consider the singer’s behaviour here.
Because I think we’ve all had a moment when we’ve been afraid someone we perceive as infinitely better than us was going to take our person for no reason.
Because I think we’ve all had a moment when we’ve been afraid someone we perceive as infinitely better than us was going to take our person for no reason.
Y’know, that conversation when you’re like, “So, eh, Jolene’s pretty fine…”
& they’re like “Is she? I hadn’t noticed.”
& you’re like “Incredibly fine. Have you seen those flaming locks of auburn hair?”
& they’re like “Is she? I hadn’t noticed.”
& you’re like “Incredibly fine. Have you seen those flaming locks of auburn hair?”
& they’re like “are you angling for a 3-some with Jolene?”
& and you’re like “No. I mean, is it an option? I mean,no. Just. I thought you might rather be with Jolene.”
& and you’re like “No. I mean, is it an option? I mean,no. Just. I thought you might rather be with Jolene.”
& they’re like “dude, you’re the one who keeps going about her, I barely know the woman, & I’ve been with you for over a decade now, why would I randomly dump you for Jolene?”
& you’re like, “oh yeah. Sorry I’m neurotic & unattractively insecure & what was that about a 3-some?”
& you’re like, “oh yeah. Sorry I’m neurotic & unattractively insecure & what was that about a 3-some?”
anyway anyway anyway
What we assuredly DO NOT do is stand in front of Jolene with our guitar being like, “I’m begging of you, please don’t take my man.”
A course of action the singer not only chooses but declares she HAS to pursue.
& that, well, that’s not super normal is it?
A course of action the singer not only chooses but declares she HAS to pursue.
& that, well, that’s not super normal is it?
Especially when you read between the lines of the conversation.
Singer: My happiness depends on you
Jolene: Pardon?
Jolene: Pardon?
Singer: I mean, because of my relationship with Bernard.
Jolene: Pardon?
Jolene: Pardon?
Singer: Because he’s so vital to my well-being that your deciding not to take him away from me impacts my happiness in a very real way. That is definitely all about Bernard. & has nothing to do with your ivory skin AT ALL.
& I kind of assume what happens after the end of the song is, the singer puts down her guitar & Jolene is like “wait, you think I’m into Bernard? Why the fuck would I be into Bernard?”
& the singer all scuffs her feet & is like “I dunno” & Jolene is like “you do know I’m gay, right?”
& the singer looks up, all shy & hopeful & confused:“Really?”
& Jolene is like “Totally. 100%. Have you seen my hair? Straight people just do not have hair as good as this. It’s a whole thing.”
& Jolene is like “Totally. 100%. Have you seen my hair? Straight people just do not have hair as good as this. It’s a whole thing.”
& the singer is like, “Oh. Oh! But … but … you could have your choice of men.”
& Jolene is like “Yeah, keyword COULD. Doesn’t mean I want to.”
& Jolene is like “Yeah, keyword COULD. Doesn’t mean I want to.”
& the singer is like “But Bernard talks about you in his sleep”
& Jolene is like “He’s probably just having one of those weird dreams where I’m turning into a badger or something.”
& Jolene is like “He’s probably just having one of those weird dreams where I’m turning into a badger or something.”
& the singer is like “You mean, you … you don’t want Bernard?”
& Jolene, who is too good-hearted a human being to say ‘why would ANYONE want Bernard babe’ just gives her this long, smouldering stare with those eyes of emerald green
& then reaches out a hand to settle the singer’s cowboy hat at a better angle on her confused head
& the singer does that anxious-eager-yearning little face tilt thing you do when you really really want someone to kiss you right the hell now
& Jolene does
BECAUSE THEY ARE ALL COMPLETELY FUCKING GAY.
The end.
BECAUSE THEY ARE ALL COMPLETELY FUCKING GAY.
The end.
