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Right, you monstrous wastrels. It's time for another episode of Cooking With Brainmage. Today we're fighting... BOLOGNESE
First, get some onions. Make a real mess of 'em
Find some celery and a mandolin. Make it fear god.
Carrots? Fuck YOU
Garlic. Make it naked.
Remember that mandolin? Let's get this garlic THIN my boys.
The amount of fingertip/knuckle that you are willing to lose will depend on the individual
The amount of fingertip/knuckle that you are willing to lose will depend on the individual
Hot damn.
Oil. Heat. Butter.
Oil. Heat. Butter.
Things should be on a gnarly colour. Deglaze the pan, why not?
Guys can have a little wine. As a treat.
Make a nook. Add a generous helping of Old Man Cherterton's Certified Extant Hog Cubes.
[extremely Delia Smith voice]
Now what we have here is known as "Beef string". It may look a little unusual, but it's simply your normal beef that's been made long by an Italian. You should be able to get it from specialist butchers.
![[extremely Delia Smith voice]Now what we have here is known as "Beef string". It may look a little unusual, but it's simply your normal beef that's been made long by an Italian. You should be able to get it from specialist butchers.](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EN8avcXWsAElcOS.jpg "[extremely Delia Smith voice]Now what we have here is known as \"Beef string\". It may look a little unusual, but it's simply your normal beef that's been made long by an Italian. You should be able to get it from specialist butchers.")
Now what we have here is known as "Beef string". It may look a little unusual, but it's simply your normal beef that's been made long by an Italian. You should be able to get it from specialist butchers.
YEET
Hot it up
The next step IS TO BE AVOIDED, UNLESS YOU ARE A SUCKASS GUY WHO LIKES A BAD TIME.
The plan was to score some tomatoes, put them in boiling water, and make them easier to skin. Instead, I got hot, wet tomatoes that were hard to skin. Fuck this step. Don't do it.
The plan was to score some tomatoes, put them in boiling water, and make them easier to skin. Instead, I got hot, wet tomatoes that were hard to skin. Fuck this step. Don't do it.
Next up? FORBIDDEN TOOTHPASTES.
Anchovy paste for that umami goodness, tomato paste for Red, and garlic paste because who the fuck cares at this point?
Anchovy paste for that umami goodness, tomato paste for Red, and garlic paste because who the fuck cares at this point?
At this point it should look like delicious cement. Time for The Lads.
Liquid!
And now a rogue move: star anise. Really grabs beef by the collar and tells it to buck its ideas up.
And now a rogue move: star anise. Really grabs beef by the collar and tells it to buck its ideas up.
You know. This guy.
Penultimate step: mushrooms. You know? The poop lads.
Finally, if you have one, squeeze a fresh @AlexWattsEsq into the Bolognese. Again, this step is t for everyone, but does add that little extra air of "books"
Salt. Pepper. Stirring. Bit of water? Whatever. Put a hat on it and leave it until it turns into savoury glue.
Bad picture. Good paste.
