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Do not grant your forgiveness without making the violator prove & re-earn their worthiness through inconvenient action and suffering.
If you forgive too easily without forming an association between principle & pain, the propensity for regression when under stress will be high.
If you forgive too easily without forming an association between principle & pain, the propensity for regression when under stress will be high.
Forgiveness should be earned, not given. For if it is freely given, it will almost surely be violated - lessons thought learned & claimed as such in word will invariably repeat in action, and not just for a second, or a third or a fourth time - but for as many times as u permit.
Regret and its accompanying promise not to re-offend, no matter how sincere it may seem, nor how seemingly full of conviction it is - will fall flat and empty if all it takes to earn your forgiveness and sway you is the presence of strong emotion.
Teaching a lesson is paramount.
Teaching a lesson is paramount.
This need to teach a lesson is not about vengeful delight in suffering, nor putting right a karmic wrong - on the contrary, it's about testing the strength of one's convictions to condition them not to repeat their mistakes.
They must associate pain with their error in action.
They must associate pain with their error in action.
The kind of pain delivered cannot be intense and swift, but must be deliberate, metered, and drawn out.
It finds itself in the loss of privilege, things which were liked and freely given are withdrawn, attention is withdrawn, limits and sanctions are placed where none were.
It finds itself in the loss of privilege, things which were liked and freely given are withdrawn, attention is withdrawn, limits and sanctions are placed where none were.
The pain cannot be intense and swift for 2 reasons:
1: because their stress tolerance will not likely be high enough to permit intense reprimand.
2: because your anger makes it easy for them to self-victimise and thereby relieve themselves from guilt & the commitment to change.
1: because their stress tolerance will not likely be high enough to permit intense reprimand.
2: because your anger makes it easy for them to self-victimise and thereby relieve themselves from guilt & the commitment to change.
Forgiveness should be a one and done thing, and hard to acquire
You should not be in the business of repeatedly granting your forgiveness
Your boundaries are not to be repeatedly violated, no matter the moment's whim.
Your dignity is not there to be eroded over and over again.
You should not be in the business of repeatedly granting your forgiveness
Your boundaries are not to be repeatedly violated, no matter the moment's whim.
Your dignity is not there to be eroded over and over again.
Forgiveness is an art, it is difficult, and most people do it wrong - they either do not truly give it despite proven commitment through prolonged action, or they yield it to the profuse regret of the moment.
A regret that only ever remains momentary, if not enforced by lesson.
A regret that only ever remains momentary, if not enforced by lesson.
You may not want to teach a lesson, you may be tempted by the allure of a quick reconciliation to dole out your forgiveness easily - but this is merely sacrificing the future to pay for the moment.
YOU MUST meter out your ruthlessness appropriately, or YOU WILL suffer deeply.
YOU MUST meter out your ruthlessness appropriately, or YOU WILL suffer deeply.
It is my hope you appropriately appreciate this enough to not need learn it the hard way, for although the source of such realisation was indeed acquired the hard way, the price paid to learn it in this way is so egregious it is better you learn it from a book than experience it.
Forgiveness is an art, so treat it as such, and teach your son this.
And lastly, be sure to remember:
Where there is no rehabilitation
There can be no forgiveness
Only acceptance in departure
Where there is no rehabilitation
There can be no forgiveness
Only acceptance in departure
