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VANILLA SEX - A THREAD
What people think you mean when you say "vanilla sex"
- Missionary
- Sex that is loving
- Sex with no impact play
- Missionary
- Sex that is loving
- Sex with no impact play
And because "vanilla" and "kinky" have been situated as a binary, when you say "kinky" people think you mean
- No missionary
- Sex that is rough and therefore inherently un-loving
- All impact play all the time
- No missionary
- Sex that is rough and therefore inherently un-loving
- All impact play all the time
The real binary here is not between missionary and no missionary, it's an issue of consent and prior negotiation.
When we have Vanilla Sex, we're following a script set forward for us by society. My theory queers will recognize this as originating from compulsory heteronormativity. Gender roles are already defined, and we all know "what happens next"
This is actually extremely dangerous, because no two people's assumed scripts will be identical. And it makes it awkward to assert boundaries or to opt out of certain acts. It causes people to "just try stuff" (see: the non-negotiated choke) bc discussion is shunned as "unsexy"
And on the flip side, anything outside of the script of say, your most mainstream porn, is deemed weird, divergent, indulgent, wrong, or immoral.
So where does the line get drawn between Vanilla Sex and more conscious / sex positive / kink inclusive sex? I think if there's prior negotiation, active consent obtained throughout, and a check in after, that's not Vanilla Sex. Even if it's just missionary and gentle kissing.
This is also a great time to mention that kinky sex, even the most hardcore BDSM play, can be loving, fun, light, silly, and sweet. It just exists within a structure and often features a negotiated power dynamic, rather than being completely freeform aka chaotic
The point is - maybe the real binary is between Consent Conscious Sex and everything else. /end rant
