Yesterday I teased that I had something I wanted to discuss in its own thread. A significant life development in 2019 for me, personally. THIS IS THAT THREAD.

If you a Boomer or Gen X woman, I think you might be especially interested to read this.

For the last 5 or 6 years alongside my depression, I noticed something else was amiss. But I could never define what it was. Something slowly taking hold of me in ways most people wouldn't notice, unless you spent a lot of time with me... like, @TheJulieBenson amounts of time.

That's a lot of time, btw.

The symptoms? Some I never recognized at all, but in retrospect have been there my whole life.

Let me cut to the chase so you don't jump to any conclusions -- then I can unpack it all.

In October I was diagnosed with ADHD.

Okay, you can breathe now. It isn't a deadly disease.

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. And what I've come to learn is that it's not the best term to describe what it really is or how very differently it can present for different people.

Backing up the story now: A few months ago I was looking for a new therapist and asked for recommendations. I started checking out various people and one woman caught my attention. She happened to have a video on her website about Adult ADHD.

I've always wondered about ADD, but I never really considered that I could have it as I'm not exactly hyperactive or exhibit some of the behaviors described by ADD/ADHD. But this doctor was describing the symptoms of ADD in adults, specifically women and I was shook.

In that moment, I realized she was describing ME. So I booked an appointment with her. When I finally saw her she asked me why I thought I might have ADHD. I proceeded to tell her this story that I will tell you now.

For the last several years, I've found writing to be more of a struggle. I'd get distracted or lose focus. I couldn't remember things, sometimes things said to me 30 seconds earlier. It was getting so bad, I started to worry I had a brain tumor or early onset Alzheimers.

I've always been a procrastinator. The constant in my young life was my dad calling me 'The P Word'. I would wait until the last minute to do school papers or projects in a flurry. And I'd get away with it because I was smart enough and my grades were good. Why change?

But college was tough sometimes. Some classes I didn't do well in naturally and my lack of self-discipline meant I had no way to fight my way through the difficulty. Very often it has felt like I wasn't living up to my potential.

After college, I got a "real" job that was as regimented as high school with the need to schedule meetings, keep budgets, troubleshoot computer issues... so I did well again. When I got laid off from that job, the procrastination problems returned.

It got better again when I became an assistant. Another structured environment. Daily deadlines and organization were critical to success. And I wrote scripts and stories in my spare time prolifically, as I knew that time was limited. Short, concentrated bursts of productivity.

And then I got my first staff writer job and nearly all of the external structures fell away. Worse, I spend months unemployed/on hiatus with NO structured days at all. The structure of the 9-5 that I hated all those years was the thing that kept me successful and functioning.

With each passing year it got harder and harder for me. As a result, I admit that my sister, my writing partner carried more than her fair share of the weight. And I hated myself for it. I felt like a failure, that I was letting her and anyone else I worked with down.

My depression got worse as I decided that my issues were a moral failing. I was lazy, unmotivated. I'd drift off for long stretches or get hyperfocused to the point of obsession, with things like online games then abruptly quit and become obsessed with the next thing.

I couldn't get control of any of it. Try as I might I couldn't just stop procrastinating. Or being distracted. Or losing track of time, forgetting appointments or deadlines. Or missing events because I was too 'lazy' or tired to go. I couldn't stop any of it. And it depressed me.

I was tired all the time. Good thing I was on antidepressants because I've no idea what it would have felt like without two decades of meds and therapy giving me some coping mechanisms and tools to manage my depression. No matter how hard I tried, things didn't get better.

I had accepted the notion that whatever moments in the past when I had been productive and happy were a fluke and this was my new normal, absurd as that sounds.

The doctor looked at me -- the pattern was clear to her but it was only starting to make sense to me. She asked me if I drank highly caffeinated beverages. As it happens I became a daily coffee drinker right around the time I became a staff writer.

She handed me a 'test' to take -- answer a series of questions. After she scored it, she said " Well, I think your suspicion is right. I think you have ADD." Basically I had been self-medicating with caffeine to boost my dopamine levels.

I was, without knowing it, engaging in activities that would give me a dopamine boost. But those boosts wouldn't always be enough to keep me happy and engaged. Thankfully, I've never abused alcohol or taken drugs or even smoked. I'd look for my dopamine hits in other ways.

Like, food, games or creative activities. Or exploring a new area of interest, often described as me 'diving into the deep end of the pool.' Not all my dopamine seeking was bad but I was cognizant of diminishing returns. Needing more and more caffeine each day, for example.

I'm running out of tweets in this thread. Starting a part two thread to attach to this one. Stay tuned!

PART 2: What I learned about myself and how I'm adjusting to life with ADHD

So. I had my diagnosis. And as I am wont to do, I start reading, watching and listening to TONS of stuff about ADHD. I want to know everything.

One of the first things I learned --and this is why I mentioned that Boomer/GenX women might be interested is that women have been criminally underdiagnosed with ADHD. Because in women it doesn't always present with the hyperactivity. It presents as daydreaming or lack of focus

When they started diagnosing kids the focus was on boys. They didn't think ADD affected women because they didn't know what to look for. So, guess what? There are probably millions of women around my age who have ADHD and have had to cope without being diagnosed. Like me.

The next thing I learned: If harnessed correctly ADHD can be your best friend. People with ADHD tend to be very creative, inventors, innovators. But without the proper tools in place, we are adrift on a sea of distractions.

And especially in the last decade with the rise of social media and our ever-present smartphones, we are all a little ADHD, getting little dopamine hits everytime our phone buzzes and we check it. We've all turned into the monkeys in a science lab, pressing buttons for treats.

So now what? The doctor said 'let's put you on Adderall IR (immediate release) and see how it goes. Very low dose... I waited until I had returned from Austin Film Festival to start the medication and let me tell you... it is very, very difficult to get that prescription filled!

At the start of November, I took my first dose. And I cut way down on coffee, so I could see if it helped. I am not exaggerating when I say that from the first dose, it was like someone handed me a pair of eyeglasses for the first time in years. I felt like I could see clearly!

I could think clearly. I could hold an idea in my head for more than five seconds without needing to blurt it out before I forgot it. Pitching in the room was so much easier. Before I'd feel like I was crawling out of my skin, anxious to get my pitch out for fear I'd forget it.

And as I figured out the right dosage, I got to a place where I can say I'm a lot happier. I can remember to do things. I don't zone out quite so much. That isn't to say I don't have any issues at all, just that the medication seems to help my mind stop racing so fast to keep up.

I love the analogy @drhallowell uses in his book and his podcast @Distraction_pod: Your brain is like a Ferrari with bicycle brakes. I have a long way to go to learning how to give myself better brakes, for sure.

Just knowing that this was the root of my issues -- that it was chemical and genetic and not simply a moral failing gave me a shot of adrenaline unlike anything I've ever had. I suddenly felt like I could do anything, if I could get control of what plagued me.

Structure helps. Lists help. Writing things down instead of wrongly thinking I'll remember them helps. And I'm finding new and better tools and strategies every day to help me along. When I sit down to write, I'm in my happy place. I can get in the zone and stay in it longer.

So, this was the biggest thing in 2019 for me after all of the fun/crazy stuff I laid out yesterday. This little thing... an insight, an understanding into how my brain works (or doesn't, sometimes) is what will make my life better going into 2020. I look forward to the journey.