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Reminder: many, many people do not experience "have you lost weight?" as a compliment.
Asking about weight loss as a way of complimenting someone asserts that thin bodies are inherently superior to (and more desirable than) fat bodies.
Asking about weight loss as a way of complimenting someone asserts that thin bodies are inherently superior to (and more desirable than) fat bodies.
Complimenting perceived weight loss may mean that you are complimenting someone's eating disorder, their grief, their depression/mental illness, their trauma & more.
Weight loss isn't always intentional, it isn't always desired, and it can be the result of really tough times.
Weight loss isn't always intentional, it isn't always desired, and it can be the result of really tough times.
As a fat person, "have you lost weight?" is the number one greeting I get from thin people. I haven't lost weight.
But for many thin people, it is the greatest compliment they can fathom for someone my size. It can reveal a LOT about how they think about fat bodies.
But for many thin people, it is the greatest compliment they can fathom for someone my size. It can reveal a LOT about how they think about fat bodies.
When some thin people ask me, a fat person, "have you lost weight?" as a compliment, their own thinking becomes extremely apparent, often without their realizing it.
Some thin people notice my fat body, judge it harshly,feel guilty for their judgment, decide that I must feel ashamed about my body, and assume that the best way to soothe that imagined shame (and assuage their guilt) is to tell me I look thinner. So they ask if I've lost weight.
But all of that happens without me saying a word. If they asked me, I'd tell them that I know I'm fat, that the fact of my body isn't a source of shame for me, and that being judged for my size isn't new or surprising to me. It's very, very common.
But they don't ask. For many, accepting a fat body is unthinkable. So instead, they make a series of assumptions about the inherent worth of my body, about how I feel about it, and about how I want them to discuss it.
For many, it is also unthinkable that weight loss wouldn't be desired or intended. We forget that for many, grief means losing our appetites. We forget that eating disorders can lead to dramatic changes in our bodies that are manifestations of illness, not health or beauty.
We forget that cancer treatments leads to weight loss for many. We forget that trauma can lead to weight loss.
All we can see is our own insatiable desire to shrink. And we project it onto so many others' bodies--often without knowing how *they* feel about their own size.
All we can see is our own insatiable desire to shrink. And we project it onto so many others' bodies--often without knowing how *they* feel about their own size.
Of course, you can say whatever you want. This is just a reminder that, for me and many others, "have you lost weight?" doesn't feel affirming, nor is it experienced as a compliment.
Say what you want! But know that, for many people, it won't land the way you might intend it.
Say what you want! But know that, for many people, it won't land the way you might intend it.
