Trade talks, a prediction:

UK - We don't like our deal
EU - Why not?
UK - We only get 95% of what we want
EU - It only gives us 95% too
UK - We want a new deal that gives us 100% of what we want
EU - But that means we only get 90% of what we want

1/13

UK - Yes, but we don't care. We hate you.
EU - Bit rude
UK - We elected people to go to your meetings specifically to say we hate you
EU - We noticed
UK - So we want a new deal, and we want the deal in 11 months or we cancel our existing deal
EU - Wait.. what?

2/13

UK - We've put it into law: you give us 100% of what we want in 11 months, or we walk away with 0% of what we want
EU - Erm... suits us!
UK - Wait, what?
EU - Perfect, do it. Ealk away
UK - No, hold on, wait: you have to negotiate, so Boris can win

3/13

EU - Why? Right now you have 95% of perfect and we have 95% of perfect. If we negotiate, you get 100% and we get 90%.
UK - That's right
EU - But if we don't negotiate, we still have 95%... and you have 0%
UK - But... no, you're not meant to say that

4/13

EU - And if we don't have a deal, we don't have to put up with you sending people to our meetings to say you hate us
UK - The Daily Mail made us do it and then ran away!
EU - So we'll just sit it out for 11 months
UK - Fine, we'll go and make a great deal with the US

5/13

US - Yo suckers
UK - Could we have a trade deal please, sir?
US - Sure thing. We want 100% of everything, plus 51% controlling share in the NHS, and you get, let's see... 60% of what you have now
UK - Not good enough
US - Bye
UK - What?
US - Bye. Talks are over. Bye

6/13

UK - But we haven't got a deal!
US - We are 26% of world trade, making deals with EU (20%) and China (17%). We don't need your 1.8%.
UK - But we really need a deal, the EU outsmarted us
US - We know. Some of us can read. Not Trump, obviously, but the rest of us. Try India

7/13

UK - Hi India, remember us?
India - Oh fuck, these guys again
UK - We want a trade deal
India - And we want to vastly increase the number of Indians who can live in the UK
UK - We can't do that. Turns out we're, like, properly racist
India - That is brand new information!!

8/13

UK - So can we have a deal?
India - Sure. Join the queue
UK - Who's in the queue?
India - USA, China, Brazil, EU, Korea, Canada, Australia... basically everybody. We're kind of a big deal now.
UK - So you'll be ready to negotiate in, what: 11 months?
India - ha ha ha ha ha

9/13

UK - What did we say?
India - 11 months? Try 11 years. This shit takes ages, bro
UK - But we had a timetable of 11 months with the EU
India - And how did that work out?
UK - erm...
India - Try China

10/13

UK - Can we please have a trade deal?
China - Sorry, who are you?
UK - We're Great Britain
China - Great, you say?
UK - Well... once
China - And what do you want?
UK - A trade deal worthy of our status
China - You've got one
UK - No we haven't

11/13

China - Yes you have. With the EU. You don't need to renegotiate your trade deals: you need to reassess your status. Cos you're not a mighty nation, you're a small, wet, heavily indebted island on the edge of a globally important trading bloc... which you left, you goons

12/13

UK - So, what do you suggest?
China - You already know
...
EU - Hello again. Here to rejoin?
UK - Yes, on the same terms as before.
EU - Oh, I don't think so. Say goodbye to your rebate, hello to the Euro, and bonjour to the Schengen area. You are so dumb.
UK - We hate you

End