I hate how almost all ADHD-relationships/social advice articles follow this format:

- explain that ADHD is real
- explain how it affects ADHDers
- explain reasons why it’s really hard for ADHD brains
- explain ways for ADHDers to act more neurotypical

What. Why?!

3/4 of an article written for the person without ADHD to build empathy and understanding and the last 1/4 isn’t about “hey, here’s how you can now communicate and build on that empathy and develop better habits together with the ADHDer in your life.”

Nope. Just “You’re doing such a hard thing being around an ADHD brain. Here’s a list of things they should be doing so that you forget they have ADHD. Be patient, it takes them longer to learn stuff.”

Do people really think that we are not trying to act more neurotypical all the time?

Oh, thanks for the article. I’m a 32 year old human tornado who never noticed the destruction in my wake until this 400 word article told me to sit on my hands and make eye contact.

Excuse me while I now spiral through my emotional disregulation that only comes on when I feel rejected by others because I’m “too much”! Never felt this before, not at all familiar. Please ignore this behavior pattern I repeat all the time. I’m sure it’s a one time thing.

It’s not even like we’re that hard to figure out. You’ve got a talkative ADHDer on your hands, here:

1. Are they excited or anxious? Excited looks like talking a lot and in detail about a thing they love. Anxious looks like talking non-stop, often in a loop.

- if they’re excited, great, let them talk or schedule a time to talk to them about the thing or just start talking about something you also love.
- if they’re anxious, not great. Ask the next question:

2. Are they looping topics like they’re trying to make sense of something?

- if yes or maybe, acknowledge that. Give them the words for the thing you see them doing. “Hey babe, sounds like there’s a lot going on and you’re worried you’re going to forget something? Is that what’s happening?”

3. Follow up, or just jump right to: “I would feel the same way if I were in your shoes.”

We spend most of our lives feeling too big, too much, too ridiculous. Just say our feelings are real and they’re okay and they’re normal and watch how we actually immediately calm down.

That’s it. That’s all it takes. For bonus points or to prolong the life of your ADHDer periodically ask if they’ve eaten or had water today.

Those are the steps for you, the non-ADHD partner. Learn to tell the difference between excitement and anxiety. Learn how to name the thing you see the ADHDer doing. Validate their feelings.

Bonus points: feed and water.

These steps are a fraction of the work we are doing.

Your ADHDer may vary. Periodic software updates may change features. Steps remain the same for you. Assess. Name. Validate.

For optimal performance feed and water. https://twitter.com/prettypvalue/status/1200178053357420544?s=21

Before all the “these are just great steps for anybody trying to connect with anyone not just ADHD folks.”

I know.

Because we’re human. Most things that are good for ADHD brains are good for humans.