the buttigieg campaign is actually a mckinsey experiment to measure how far you can get in a presidential campaign solely on what they're calling "sleeverollingness"

buttigieg has a rigorous and precise schedule of tie/shirt combos determined by a proprietary algorithm

pete buttigieg was supplied with an advanced barber robot by an anonymous billionaire that cuts his hair three times a day

pete buttigieg irons his rolled up sleeves while wearing the shirt, maintaining a serene, glassy expression even as the iron singes his forearms

if you whisper "blue sky thinking" in pete buttigieg's ear, his mckinsey deep training will kick in and he'll launch into a three hour presentation about privatization, something chasten exploits to escape marital arguments

pete buttigieg is a "get out" style mental captive inhabited by the consciousness of an unknown billionaire who is publicly assumed dead

pete buttigieg's favorite mad men character is Duck Phillips

with the help of an unknown canadian investor pete buttigieg is developing a technology that will turn some of his supporters black

pete buttigieg was gestated in a vat in the basement of IBM headquarters

pete buttigieg wears a $60,000 fitbit that tells him how many nutrient cubes he needs to eat that day

pete buttigieg has a small explosive charge surgically installed at the base of his brain stem that will go off if he stops being smug for more than ten seconds

pete buttigieg's spotify is nothing but that ukulele glockenspiel clapping music from commercials

pete buttigieg's background has been deepfaked and he's actually only 19 years old

pete buttigieg sleeps in a filing cabinet

pete buttigieg's parents worked for the DHARMA initiative