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I kept thinking about doing this, but was always too tired, etc...
...but I want to talk about intentions, because intentions tend to get thrown in the face of people who are hurt by microaggressions, misgendering, etc.
...but I want to talk about intentions, because intentions tend to get thrown in the face of people who are hurt by microaggressions, misgendering, etc.
I remember trying to vent to a cis person about how I was hurt because a mutual acquaintance kept misgendering me, they kept using intentions as a way to try to invalidate my lived experience, feelings, and genuine hurt.
Here's the thing about intentions:
They don't change the fact that harm was done.
Let's say I'm leaving work and hit someone in my car. It wasn't my intention to hit them, but that doesn't take away their injury.
They don't change the fact that harm was done.
Let's say I'm leaving work and hit someone in my car. It wasn't my intention to hit them, but that doesn't take away their injury.
They might feel ever so slightly relieved I wasn't aiming for them, but it doesn't change their experience. They were still hit by me and harmed.
I wouldn't tell them they were being too sensitive as they lay on the pavement under a tire.
I wouldn't tell them they were being too sensitive as they lay on the pavement under a tire.
But often times that's how people who've been harmed by microaggressions, misgendering, and such get treated. We're told we need to toughen up, that our pain is less valid because they didn't mean to hurt us.
Realizing that you've hurt someone sucks if you genuinely care about them, but that's all the more reason to swallow that discomfort and own it.
The easiest thing you can do is apologize and mean it.
The easiest thing you can do is apologize and mean it.
If the harmed person is actually using the energy, courage, and strength to tell you they're harmed? Value that because it wasn't easy.
You can admit that you didn't intend harm, but own that you did and do better.
You can admit that you didn't intend harm, but own that you did and do better.
