Read on Twitter
M's Step-By-Step Guide to Selfie Therapy
(as it has worked for her)
Last month I tweeted about why I've been taking so many selfies this year, and how it's helped me reclaim my self-image after decades of dysphoria. https://twitter.com/NightlingBug/status/1164787615939170304?s=20
(as it has worked for her)
Last month I tweeted about why I've been taking so many selfies this year, and how it's helped me reclaim my self-image after decades of dysphoria. https://twitter.com/NightlingBug/status/1164787615939170304?s=20
I've been seeing other trans folks struggle with whether and how to share their images, so I figured I should share what's worked for me.
(Other trans people want to see your image, by the way! It's not an imposition to show us your face, it's a light in the dark.
)
(Other trans people want to see your image, by the way! It's not an imposition to show us your face, it's a light in the dark.
)
To summarize the method:
1) Evaluate your mood to find the right time to work on your self-image
2) Take a truly ridiculous number of selfies without looking through them
3) Review, redeeming or deleting
4) If you're up to it, groom & repeat
5) If you're up to it, post!
1) Evaluate your mood to find the right time to work on your self-image
2) Take a truly ridiculous number of selfies without looking through them
3) Review, redeeming or deleting
4) If you're up to it, groom & repeat
5) If you're up to it, post!
1) Evaluate Your Mood
If you're some combination of dysmorphic/dysphoric, your mood is going to *strongly* impact how you see yourself. You don't want to subject yourself to staring at your face if you're already in a spiral of self-hate. You'll just pick it apart unfairly.
If you're some combination of dysmorphic/dysphoric, your mood is going to *strongly* impact how you see yourself. You don't want to subject yourself to staring at your face if you're already in a spiral of self-hate. You'll just pick it apart unfairly.
We want to build a resilient self-image, so that when your dysmorphia/dysphoria is acting up, you're not so devastated by it. But we can't do that work when we're already at our worst. (This can make it really hard to get started, but be patient with yourself.)
Glance in a mirror when you feel like it. If your instant reaction is repulsion & horror, now is not the right time.
But if it's more like, "Not ideal, but I can work with this, I guess," or-- stars aligned!-- you actually look pretty good to yourself... break out selfie mode!
But if it's more like, "Not ideal, but I can work with this, I guess," or-- stars aligned!-- you actually look pretty good to yourself... break out selfie mode!
2) Take a truly ridiculous number of selfies...
The first awesome thing about selfies is that they cost nothing to take. You can take literally thousands of selfies without filling up a modern smartphone.
The first awesome thing about selfies is that they cost nothing to take. You can take literally thousands of selfies without filling up a modern smartphone.
The second awesome thing about selfies is that you can kind of see what's making you dysphoric versus what's working for you in real time, in more angles and lightings than a mirror. Chin dysphoria? High angle like a cis girl on insta. Beard shadow dysphoria? Change the lighting.
So: seek out the angles from which your face is least upsetting to you. Make lots of different expressions. Take tons of selfies.
DON'T review them until you've taken many, many selfies. That's its own step for a reason. It'll interact with your mood and make this part harder.
DON'T review them until you've taken many, many selfies. That's its own step for a reason. It'll interact with your mood and make this part harder.
3) Review, Redeem, Delete
Grab water and a snack and get comfy, because the next step requires some self-awareness and self-control. Feel free to reevaluate your mood (looking at your face can be exhausting!) and take a break before continuing.
Grab water and a snack and get comfy, because the next step requires some self-awareness and self-control. Feel free to reevaluate your mood (looking at your face can be exhausting!) and take a break before continuing.
As you page through your selfies, you're panning for gold. Anything that instantly upsets you, delete. Don't let yourself comb over it cataloging everything you hate.
Wounds never heal if you pick at the scab, no matter how tempting to pick they are.
Just delete and swipe next.
Wounds never heal if you pick at the scab, no matter how tempting to pick they are.
Just delete and swipe next.
You're panning for gold. Ignore the dirt, and look for the glimmers.
With any photo you took that you don't instantly hate, ask yourself: What redeems this? What makes this tolerable? (Can I replicate this expression, pose, angle, lighting in future photos?)
With any photo you took that you don't instantly hate, ask yourself: What redeems this? What makes this tolerable? (Can I replicate this expression, pose, angle, lighting in future photos?)
Early on, the little glimmers of self-love that I saw were often "but" statements, like:
-I have good hair, at least
-You can kinda see how femme & mysterious my eyes are, here...
-My lips look fuller than I thought in this one
-I'm gross as heck but I actually look happy?
-I have good hair, at least
-You can kinda see how femme & mysterious my eyes are, here...
-My lips look fuller than I thought in this one
-I'm gross as heck but I actually look happy?
Inevitably, your dysphoria will fight you by trying to make you focus on the 99 other things in the photo that upset you. When that starts happening, EITHER:
-Swipe away to the next one
-Delete it, and *trust your memory of that glimmer*, don't let yourself think you imagined it.
-Swipe away to the next one
-Delete it, and *trust your memory of that glimmer*, don't let yourself think you imagined it.
Once you've worked your way through all the selfies you took, you can go back and reexamine the glimmers you kept, again, but don't let yourself pick them apart. If you start to, just swipe away or delete.
4) Groom & repeat
Reevaluate your mental state. If you're excited about some of the glimmers you saw, we'll take more selfies!
If you're feeling downtrodden about it, thank yourself for putting in the effort and go do something less hard! You can try again some other time.
Reevaluate your mental state. If you're excited about some of the glimmers you saw, we'll take more selfies!
If you're feeling downtrodden about it, thank yourself for putting in the effort and go do something less hard! You can try again some other time.
Before round two, you're going to fix anything within your power that was really bothering you in more than one photo: maybe your hair was out of place, or maybe your shirt isn't flattering you in a way you hate. Change those elements before taking more!
If you want, you can try to recreate the conditions of any glimmers that you found, and try to take a *better* version, fixing any of the larger flaws in the photo that're within your power.
"Within your power" is key, here. Your objective is not to take a stunning insta-model photo that'll blow the world away. You're just trying to take the best selfie that you can, today, with your body and your issues. Don't compare yourself to anyone but yourself.
(Trans girl dysphoria can bleed so easily into universal female body insecurity! I'll tweet a little more about that when we're done with the process.)
5) Posting to social media.
I must have taken 10,000 selfies or more before I posted any of them online.
You absolutely don't *have* to do this step-- the "self" part of "self" image means you don't need anyone else's input to improve it.
But it can be affirming & encouraging!
I must have taken 10,000 selfies or more before I posted any of them online.
You absolutely don't *have* to do this step-- the "self" part of "self" image means you don't need anyone else's input to improve it.
But it can be affirming & encouraging!
You can post selfies privately, only to close friends and family you can trust.
You can put them where only other trans people can see them-- we're EXCITED to see you. We're starved for images of folks like us, no matter how far transitioned or un-. And we're kind.
You can put them where only other trans people can see them-- we're EXCITED to see you. We're starved for images of folks like us, no matter how far transitioned or un-. And we're kind.
You can post them publicly!
I know that you've seen transphobes tear apart and bully trans people, especially trans women, whose images were publicly available. I have, too. It hasn't happened to me, yet, but I'm perpetually braced for it.
I know that you've seen transphobes tear apart and bully trans people, especially trans women, whose images were publicly available. I have, too. It hasn't happened to me, yet, but I'm perpetually braced for it.
There's not much they can say to us that our dysphoria hasn't already said more cruelly. That's the tactic: repeating the things they know dysphoria tells us.
And it's a scare tactic. When they bully one of us, it's mostly to intimidate the rest of us out of living in the open.
And it's a scare tactic. When they bully one of us, it's mostly to intimidate the rest of us out of living in the open.
If you're always acting in anticipation of our terrorists' comments, they've already gotten you! Without even lifting a finger or exposing their hate to rebuttal.
Learning not to care about what bigots think or say, about their intimidation, can be part of building self-image.
Learning not to care about what bigots think or say, about their intimidation, can be part of building self-image.
And to conclude step 5: When people tell you they like your appearance, believe them! They're more reliable witnesses to your body than you are. They're not lying. Why would they lie when they could just choose not to interact with your selfie?
So, now that we're done, I want to ramble a little bit about the thinking AROUND selfie-taking, and self-image, and living in a culture of images like we do, and what you can do to self-correct when you're not taking selfies.
"I took a selfie I like, but I don't REALLY look like that! It's just the angle/the lighting! This is an unrealisticly good image of me!"
First of all, you REALLY look like that, sometimes, from some angles. If you didn't, the selfie wouldn't exist! That's worth something.
First of all, you REALLY look like that, sometimes, from some angles. If you didn't, the selfie wouldn't exist! That's worth something.
Second of all: Selfies are MOSTLY much worse than looking in a mirror.
Your image in a mirror is alive and 3D and moves through a thousand momentary appearances, both pleasant and unpleasant, with every expression you make.
Your image in a mirror is alive and 3D and moves through a thousand momentary appearances, both pleasant and unpleasant, with every expression you make.
In your brain, you see the unpleasant ones. Everyone else's brains are more forgiving, and pick out the more pleasant instantaneous images of you.
A photograph picks one at random. Often, it'll be a bad one. That's why we mercilessly delete any selfie we dislike.
A photograph picks one at random. Often, it'll be a bad one. That's why we mercilessly delete any selfie we dislike.
But when the random instant frozen in a selfie is one that your brain doesn't hate, it's actually a lot closer to how people see you all the time than you think. Their brains are picking out a lot of moments like these, especially if they like you.
We live in a culture of idealized images. You shouldn't be ashamed to pick the best representations of you to focus on.
We're bombarded every year by BILLIONS of images of people, and for the most part, they're MUCH more selectively curated than your cute selfie.
We're bombarded every year by BILLIONS of images of people, and for the most part, they're MUCH more selectively curated than your cute selfie.
The images we're contending with are:
-From a narrow range of faces selected along lines of white supremacist notions of beauty, ageism and fatphobia
-Taken by professional photographers with high-grade equipment, studio lighting, and a makeup team
-Further digitally manipulated
-From a narrow range of faces selected along lines of white supremacist notions of beauty, ageism and fatphobia
-Taken by professional photographers with high-grade equipment, studio lighting, and a makeup team
-Further digitally manipulated
All of that overwhelms our dumbass brains, which evolved to see the same cross section of 40-100 unshowered people until we die. It's an unthinkable bombardment.
If slapping an insta filter on your photo helps you feel like the same SPECIES as those images, fucking GO FOR IT.
If slapping an insta filter on your photo helps you feel like the same SPECIES as those images, fucking GO FOR IT.
But also, consider looking at the flesh-and-blood people around you. Pay attention to the strangers you would usually ignore, and the wild, incredible, diversity of NORMAL, LOVABLE bodies.
Something that can help is, when you see a good-looking stranger of your gender, just go ahead and look for their flaws. Pick them apart the way you pick yourself apart. See how your brain can destroy an attractive person as easily as it destroys you.
Something less caustic, though, is to find people who look kind of like you (and to pick in moments of clarity where you're not making a choice self-deprecatingly) and to follow them & what photos they post. This could be genetic family, it could be other trans people.
I don't think having "hashtag transition goals! amirite?" is healthy body image, to be honest.
But surrounding yourself with images that normalize how you feel about yourself? Is self-care.
Ask yourself why you can be kind to those images in a way you're not kind to yourself.
But surrounding yourself with images that normalize how you feel about yourself? Is self-care.
Ask yourself why you can be kind to those images in a way you're not kind to yourself.
That's all I have to say... be kind to yourself, learn to identify the cycles of self-hate when you experience them, and disarm them whenever you're lucid enough.
Good luck! And I'm always happy to see images of you all. Flood every feed and clog every inbox.
Good luck! And I'm always happy to see images of you all. Flood every feed and clog every inbox.
