Soon after I was invited to speak on #TheFamily at the University of Potsdam in Germany. When I arrived, my host said the U.S. embassy, which paid for the series, wouldn't pay for my talk. The U.S. ambassador, Dan Coats -- *that* Dan Coats -- had declared me an "enemy of Jesus."

Then came a message from a woman who said she was a fan, could we meet for coffee. When I wrote about her in my book THE FAMILY, I honored her request to change her name, so I'll call her Kate. Kate, from #TheFamily...

She said she was a fan, cld we meet. It was my first national story, I was flattered, moreso when she turned out to be a beautiful woman my age, seemingly enamored of me. Some things are just too implausible...

"Kate" had worked for the National Security Agency, and she spoke a particular Christian vernacular I'd only heard in #TheFamily. So after an hour of conversation, I asked; & after a pause, she revealed she'd been sent by Family leader David Coe to spy on me.

We kept talking. I thought if she knew what I'd learned in #TheFamily's own archive, she might reconsider. Uh-uh. I said Mao, admired by #TheFamily for his "strength," killed millions. "What if he'd done that for Christ?" she asked.

There were several other "contacts," Family members who'd present themselves as fans only to reveal that they'd either been sent or undertaken on their own to bring me back into the fold of #TheFamily. Then I published my book. That, they did not like...

At a reading at @politicsprose, a young man from #TheFamily's Ivanwald stood up and declared me a traitor. In anger he left the store, then returned, pushing people out of the way to push his face an inch from mine. "Get the fuck out," I said, hiding my trembling hands.

At another reading at the National Press Club, a group of young men from #TheFamily--wearing matching blazers & bowties, like a white Fruit of Islam--marched in & filled the front row, glaring, arms crossed.

My first few weeks teaching @dartmouth, my colleagues told me a man had come around asking a lot of odd questions. Wanted to know my hours. Wanted to know inappropriate information. Who was that guy? Don't know. But I do know...

..that long after that I received a very scary letter from a member of #TheFamily. I had some very smart first amendment lawyers look at it. "It's meant to intimidate." I won't lie; it did. I had a 1-year-old; I was worried.

The scariest experience I had reporting on #TheFamily was in Uganda with David Bahati, its leader there and author of the Kill-the-Gays Bill. Bahati liked to joke about having me and a local colleague killed. After I published, he promised to have me "arrested" shld I return.

When Netflix said they wanted to interview me about my books on #TheFamily, I hesitated -- I've moved on to other subjects. I wasn't sure I wanted to return to that. I didn't want to risk their retaliation. I'm glad I did. But I'm not brave. I worry.

To be clear: I do not worry about violence. The Americans in the #TheFamily may enable violence overseas, but there is no record of them practicing at home. But I've heard many, many stories from former members of lives ruined, reputations destroyed.

To those who say this work is brave: It began not with courage but with the naivete of a young white dude: me. I've been in journalism long enough to understand now how race, gender & class have protected me. That's part of the very white supremacy I want to challenge in my work.

I stepped away from these kinds of stories in 2016 after I had a heart attack at 44. I returned to it only because I trusted not my courage but that of the filmmakers of #TheFamilyNetflix -- their courage, fairness, and talent.

But I still need to step away at times, because brave I'm not. Which brings me to these blueberries I picked today instead of answering q's about #TheFamily. They're for my 5yrold, for whom a pint of blueberries is still proof enough of the unbelievable awesomeness of the world.