Less Therapy Tuesday and more just thinking out loud:

I don't draw for fun anymore. I haven't been for a few years now. There's a part of me that has always felt guilty and ashamed about this because drawing and telling stories is supposed to be what you do as an artist.

So every once in a while I gave in to the guilt and would pick up a new sketchbook or open up a new canvas on ipad and start drawing. Anything. Hands, people facing the same direction, unnecessarily dramatic poses with no purpose, etc. This would last a few days at most.

And after that it would be very difficult to start again. There's a voice in the back of my head going "What's the point? You're just drawing the same thing you've drawn over and over." Not drawing makes me feel guilty but drawing brings me no joy. Is this a slump? Depression?

If you see my instagram/twitter you'd see a spurt of art and then absolutely nothing for a long period of time. Those are the moments I tried to overcome the guilt by forcing myself to draw something and try to rediscover the joy of drawing that I used to be brimming with.

The past half year I've been so busy with life (dog bite, honeymoon, buying house, selling condo, moving, various dog incidents, fixing house, gardening) that I had actually *completely forgotten* about the guilt of not drawing. And what a revelation it was.

It made me realize that I don't actually have to be drawing for fun to be happy or to feel validated as an artist. The various other hobbies/obligations I've picked up have replaced my hyper-focus on doing this artist thing right. Cuz there's no right way of being an artist.

It's OK to not be drawing all the time. It's not a slump, it's not depression. It's OK to spend several hours every weekend cleaning the house, or repotting plants, or just lying on the couch scrolling through twitter. An artist is a profession, but it doesn't have to define me.

I kept thinking it's a slump or burnout but I still draw nonstop everyday at work and I actually enjoy it. I just can't seem to draw for NOT work and it made me think there's something wrong with me, especially seeing artists on twitter constantly having personal projects.

The thing I'm learning to accept is that it's okay to not have a personal art project. Mopping the floor that the dog keeps peeing on daily and checking up on our plants and playing Pokemon is my personal project. And that's okay. Who we are and what defines us changes.

Maybe I'm just the kind of artist that only draws when there's a purpose to it, and that's why I have no issue drawing for work. Mindless drawing doesn't seem to bring me joy and there's no personal artistic desire I want to fulfill with my own drawings. And that's... okay.

Anyway, I'm just thinking out loud. This might be obvious to a lot of people but it's something I've been struggling with and have only recently been able to kinda come to terms with it. One day I hope to be able to fully embrace this.

When people ask me why I'm not pitching shows or making comics or going to sketchjams or stuff, I usually reply with "I'm tired" or "I'm too busy". I think moving forward I'll learn to reply with "I don't feel the need to."

Bottomline is: If you really really want it, you'll make time for it. So when you make excuses with "too tired" or "too busy", that's probably an indication that you don't actually want it.

And guess what, it's actually okay to not want something that other people want.