Thread by @visakanv, there are lots of competing and overlapping explanations for the perceived problem [...]

there are lots of competing and overlapping explanations for the perceived problem of "why are dudes so shitty" (however you interpret that)

right now I find myself thinking– I think school, maybe civilization itself, disincentivizes the development of confident, independent men

when I say "confident" I don't mean bluster, bravado, arrogance, etc – all of which are often symptoms of insecurity

I mean the quiet sort of confidence that comes from knowing your worth, taking ownership and responsibility for yourself, your actions and their consequences, etc

why school? it's surely not the whole picture, obviously, but I feel like it's a big part of the picture, and seldom talked about in this context https://twitter.com/visakanv/status/1089599005711986689

https://twitter.com/visakanv/status/1089599005711986689

I have probably thousands of tweets by now about how schools systematically kill curiosity, kill creativity, kill independence, kill playfulness, kill taste

thinking now about how those things surely also scour the romantic/sexual landscape https://twitter.com/visakanv/status/1015531299438669825

https://twitter.com/visakanv/status/1015531299438669825

I don't mean to excuse shitty behavior here. I don't like it. I wish we were all competent pianists playing wonderful music all the time. I wish we didn't even have to talk about this; it would be so much more fun to just be jamming and exploring. But so many people suck at this

"But wait, everybody goes to school. Why is shittiness gendered?" It's complicated, and I think there are many overlapping explanations. I'd like to focus on cultural expectations. For complex reasons, broadly, men and women are subjected to different expectations. From *birth*!

(Some might dispute the idea that shittiness is gendered – some might say, women are just as shitty in men, just in different ways. Maybe! To others it's *obvious* that men are collectively shittier. I won't dispute that. I'm trying to figure out how to *reduce* net shittiness)

something to ponder for a second: https://twitter.com/visakanv/status/998439444142178304

https://twitter.com/visakanv/status/998439444142178304

here's how I think I think about it

there is a system – some call it the patriarchy, some call it the kyriarchy, I don't care abt the names

it is a system of control via cruelty & abuse, and I'm making the case here that SCHOOL is a part of this system https://twitter.com/visakanv/status/1042725956840972288

https://twitter.com/visakanv/status/1042725956840972288

I think that's all I have to say about that for now. Newer friends may be curious about some of my older threads on these topics https://twitter.com/visakanv/status/963606743610634240

https://twitter.com/visakanv/status/963606743610634240

oh yeah, cultural expectations. In my experience men are supposed to

- take initiative
- make the first move
- be confident (ie not needy, not insecure)
- be smooth, charismatic
- know how to have a good time

if you have these skills (I'd like to think I do), life becomes easy

but if you *don't* have those skills, you're in for a rough time. you're going to receive mockery and abuse for your incompetence. you're going to be denied intimacy. you're going to be made to feel worthless. your complaints and protests will be laughed at

I know the phrase "denied intimacy" veers dangerously close to "women owe men sex/intimacy" – let me be clear, absolutely not. women don't owe men shit. in fact men can help *each other* with the intimacy deficit, and we really should https://twitter.com/visakanv/status/1042713791392210944

https://twitter.com/visakanv/status/1042713791392210944

circling back to the deficit scenario – it's a kind of poverty, isn't it? Abject helplessness. I remember when I was a lonely, angry dude – I was lucky to have stories, narratives and ideas that kept me focused on who I wanted to become. Without that, I would've been shitty too

but so let's go back to the expectations. how does school – society — civilization – train boys/men to be confident, smooth, handle failure and rejection well? to be able to build wholesome, nourishing relationships with other men, and with women?

IMO, it doesn't. it atomizes us

soooo ok. what can we do? what are the solutions?

realistically, what I'm really looking for + trying to do here is to just persuade a handful of dudes to make a bit more of an effort to look out for each other. to help younger dudes in turn with their fears and insecurities

I like this way of framing it. becoming a Shitty Dude is partially a systemic thing – when you're in the Shitty Dude Downward Spiral, you're almost *destined* to get shittier. I've seen it happen, and I've helped pull a handful of guys out of it https://twitter.com/AMartinCastro/status/1135632246595936258

https://twitter.com/AMartinCastro/status/1135632246595936258

this is also well put! i think of myself as someone who's in this intersection, and I'm looking to find other people who are also in this intersection so we can build a loose coalition of sorts. thick-skinned empathetic dudes against shittiness