Right. First day back after Christmas in this perfectly normal country and I'm off to Ramsgate to sketch a Potemkin traffic jam up the A299 at dawn.

Currently in a traffic jam waiting to get in to the fake traffic jam.

This really is where a hundred lorries are gathering voluntarily to stage a fake traffic jam all the way to Dover to show the EU we are ready for no deal.

In ten years at the Indy, I've been taught literally how to ride a bike by an Olympic cycling coach. I've entered my dog in Crufts. I've trained as a Wimbledon ball boy. I've never been on an assignment anywhere near as stupid as this.

Dawn breaks on the Kent horizon and there, in a disused airfield, is a totally artificial snarl up, ready to crawl all the way to Dover for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

Needless to say, this is all the "brainchild", ie orphan, of Chris Grayling.

As the fake traffic jam in the disused airfield swells, why not take a moment to consider Boris Johnson, writing in the telegraph this morning, who said "this is closest to what people actually voted for."

What these trucks represent are whole decades of patiently honed genius, the sheer wonder of Europe wide just-in-time manufacturing supply chains, unquestionably one of mankind's greatest logistical achievements, being smashed to pieces for absolutely nothing.

The clock strikes 8. The moment this demented pantomime was meant to set off for Dover, to stress test British greatness. It is still stationary.

Analysis shows that just a ten minute delay for lorries at the port of Dover will decimate British manufacturing in every corner of the country. These lorries, which are here for no reason, and are not being checked for anything, are now ten minutes late in setting off.

And if you're wondering how the great British public, and their "blitz spirit" will cope with all this, a woman in a Fiat 500 has just slowed down on her way past the lay by where I and other members of the media have gathered, to honk loudly and mouth at us to "fucking fuck off"

This thread about to come to you live on @SkyNews

And lo, what should appear uninvited by the TV cameras on the grassy knoll over the A299? "Hi, I'm Charlie Elphicke the MP for Dover. [Just had the whip restored despite serious allegations against me]. Thought I'd introduce myself."

And now I am in the warm of Ramsgate Maccy D's, copying and pasting these tweets to form my Monday column. This must be what Seth Abramson's life is like. Thread ends.

The early bird, catches the breakfast menu... https://twitter.com/TomBoadle/status/1082217231432499200

Indeed @tompeck is... https://twitter.com/Independent/status/1082221042544852992

The pretend Brexit traffic jam, now in sketch form. May even contain original content. https://www.independent.co.uk/voices/no-deal-brexit-theresa-may-chris-grayling-m20-fake-traffic-jam-a8715351.html

Apparently this is all now a "twitter moment" https://twitter.com/i/moments/1082256105592573953

And one last flourish at the end of a fully auto parodic morning... #takebackcontrol