I take it back. A judge just allowed Bones' sad childhood to become part of her expert witness testimony in court. Court is even more unprofessional than the FBI and the Jeffersonian. https://twitter.com/philippawarr/status/1074820278981672961?s=19

WAIT WAIT WAIT. Is Agent Booth's name "Ceiling"?

SEELEY (ty Twitter).
Amusingly Seeley is now Seeley-ed in a quarantine area.

It will surprise no-one that the quarantine is because one of these idiots was drinking eggnog during a professional procedure and might now be infested with fungus.

OH MY GOSH THIS MID 2000s FASHION MOMENT IS EVERYTHING

The layered vests! The low slung belt! The beige bootcut trousers!

Agent Booth is a terrible ass.

After 10 episodes apparently it is time to personality transplant the two leads? Bones is now full of interpersonal skills and emotions and Booth it threatening to have someone deported while he keeps their newborn child in the US.

For context, two episodes ago Booth moved heaven and earth to rescue a boy from kidnappers because he loves and cares about children so much and is such a good father while Bones failed to make conversation with people about her own book.

Meanwhile, that guy who is basically role playing the girl from Common People but with forensic entomology instead of sculpture is milling about doing nothing of consequence.

How does this show keep getting more unprofessional?? A pathologist is getting off on arguing with Bones, a security guard has taken a bribe to steal human remains and Bones is hitting a man in the face to prove a point.

They just followed unexplained bagpipe music to a corpse.

WHY IS THE SECRETLY RICH GUY THE ONE GOING TREASURE HUNTING?

A highly professional undercover mission

Angel has accidentally joined an illegal underground fighting ring and Bones is diagnosing eczema while dressed as an... interwar movie star?

This man's disastrous collar is being used to symbolise his alcoholism following an unresolved investigation

Oh cool. PTSD to engineer a solution to a romantic subplot.

BONES IS ON A DATE! WITH A... REPLACEMENT BROTHER FIGURE BUT LET'S GLOSS OVER IT
"What music do you like?"
"Snow Patrol"
Then she leaves.
They imply its because of the case and that she will come back later to force him to listen to Massive Attack, but yknow. Same, Bones. Same.

Snow Patrol man done the murder, so really the massive attack was inside him all along

GHOSTS.
I KNOW SOME OF YOU MENTIONED THIS BUT GHOSTS.
GHOSTS ON A VIDEO TAPE.
GHOSTS DON'T EVEN HAVE BONES

Other thoughts from tonight's Bones binge:

Everyone is continuing to be massively unprofessional. Angela is shagging in cupboards, Angel is ignoring protocol and nearly kills a coworker, the Rich One stole evidence and Zack ignored instructions and triggered a bomb.

I miss the guy who was into archaeology and wanted everyone to look at some Hittite remains

What happened to that one guy who worked for Homeland Security?

And the whole boyfriend arc??? He starts off super reasonable and nice while Booth is a total ass, then the writers remember they can't have Bones not eying up Booth so he becomes a totally different person

He goes into self-imposed Caribbean boat exile at a moment's notice and expects someone who he knows loves her work to drop it all for him

I really really hate interminable will they/won't they plots because the characters they date along the way are done so dirty

Nice people become assholes for no reason other than to force a breakup, or they get dumped for not "getting" something about the lead character, while the other lead gets away with being a total jerk because they "get" whatever the stupid something is.

Booth is a controlling, chauvinistic, reactionary, unprofessional workaholic who used to shoot people for a living!

HOLY SHIT THE PONY SEX CONVENTION EPISODE

"These people want to maintain their anonymity because society is really judgy about pony play fetishes"
Cut to Bones and Angel staring at a room of pony people and their riders and Angel judging the shit out of them and NO-ONE OBJECTS???

And the whole point of the episode is Angel explaining to Bones that real sex doesn't involve any fetishes because then you aren't "making love" because there is somehow a fetish in bed with you as a third party?

But also Angela married a human sized wasp in Fiji.

And everyone is walking around saying "you live like a horse, you die like a horse" as if horses are known for being murdered with their own hoof knives while pretending to be at work

THEY ARE AT WORK.

She shot him and then had to get a piggyback how is no-one being struck off???

THEY WENT UNDERCOVER AGAIN

Surely there were other solutions, you might be thinking.

Solutions like obtaining warrants or asking questions, or even just not throwing knives at your colleague's face during an unrehearsed circus act

And you would be entirely correct.

Exactly.

A concussion-based vision of Luc Robitaille just helped Angel solve a crime.

Um. So the Bones crew are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for an actual murder of an actual friend of theirs and... like... we just breeze on past that? I feel like never mind the murderers, it's Bones' team who are escalating and need to be stopped!

WELCOME TO SPOILER TOWN POPULATION: BONES
this wedding. In fact the whole freaking run of the show. Why does everything have to be done in a rush????

they haven't even had a conversation about who want what or why? not in a Vegas whim way, just a "WELL A WEEK HAS PASSED AND WE HAVE NO ODEA HOW TO KEEP YOU INTERESTED" that's absolutely idiotic

And now they have admitted neither of them wanted the thing they were planning, at least one of the wedding party BURNED DOWN A CHURCH AND APPARENTLY ISNT BEING PROSECUTED, and then their friends basically forced them into a new wedding immediately

And to give you an idea of how they must have been struggling for guests, the work interns are there.

And these are work interns who have been emotionally manipulated into working for no pay because of how unprofessional everyone else is

AND ISNT IT LUCKY THAT THE PSYCHIC (WHO BONES REFUSES TO BELIEVE IN AND KIND OF HATES) IS CYNDI LAUPER AND CAN MOONLIGHT AS A WEDDING SINGER

And speaking of psychics, in the time since last tweeting GHOSTS ARE REAL AND SO IS HEAVEN

"maybe you got married too fast - you didn't even have a bachelorette party" says Angela, the woman who, when that wedding combusted, immediately put together a replacement within HOURS

Angela then decides there must be a bachelorette party anyway and that it must happen THAT DAY

They then all leave work early to go drinking, ceding the murder to an intern they hate and an entomologist who start eating bacon flavoured lube.

Hello. So Cam was being honoured by a science publication and fought to have the other women at the lab honoured with her. Instead of a professional award it turned out they were honouring them in the form of wanting them to pose in a bikini calendar for the magazine.

And the three women were delighted to do it and cooed and giggled over the bikinis they were sent.

I contemplated throwing the television in the bin, but I will browse the #distractinglysexy hashtag instead.

Given their understanding of the law seems to be "things which make me sad are illegal and things that make me happy are legal" I gave no idea how any of these muppets can actually tell when they find the crime part of the skeleton.

Cam fired an intern because he was doing something which, because of marijuana laws, means anything he did could lead to evidence being thrown out and murderers going free. SHE IS ENTIRELY REASONABLE AND IT DOESNT MEAN SHE AGREES WITH THE LAW!

And the staff response is basic emotional manipulation and tantrums and blame. Because friendship is more important than eg justice for victims. Or following federal law when working for a federal department. A thing they AGREED TO WHEN THEY TOOK UP THEIR POSTS.

OH MY GOD WHEN YOUR COLLEAGUE IS A MURDER SUSPECT YOU DON'T LET THEM WORK ON THE FORENSIC TEAM FIGURING OUT THE MURDER

Literally all of you are massively compromised and GIVEN YOU ARE AT A FORENSIC CONFERENCE there are actually thousands of people there who could step in and not be massively compromised oh my god

Oh cool. The murder suspect just found the evidence needed to convict someone else. The defence definitely won't be able to find any flaws in that case.

It is season 11 and they have JUST realised that murder suspects probably shouldn't investigate the murder they're accused of.

They are also annoyed with the suspect for sensibly and professionally seeking legal advice.

It will probably cheer him no end to know that his boss, rather than investigating thoroughly, has headed off early to plan her wedding.

Why is no one worried about the fact Agent Aubrey CLEARLY HAS A TAPEWORM

WHY DOES EVERYONE HAVE TO ORGANISE THEIR WEDDING WITHIN THEIR LUNCH BREAK

It's hard enough to get a decent fucking meal deal sandwich and some monster munch on a lunch break. You can't get a wedding dress on and off in that time

Like, a wedding dress can be a two person job and you have to abandon all your dignity

It's like being trapped in white chiffon carbonite ready for transportation to the wedding planet

And they get real cranky if you eat monster munch in the shop.

Oh, it's American Lovejoy

I seem to have watched twelve seasons of bones in ten weeks ama

I think my favourite quote is still "you live like a horse, you die like a horse" when the victim died nothing like a horse but was skiving work and pretending to be a horse at the time

I am now on season 4 in my Bones rewatch. I am resurrecting this thread so I can express my adoration for Intern Clark Edison, a man who JUST WANTS TO DO HIS JOB AND MAINTAIN PROFESSIONAL BOUNDARIES

Also in his favour: Clark Edison hasn't murdered *anyone* as the apprentice for a cannibalistic serial killer inspired by Tarot cards and the Masons.

Meanwhile, in the UK, Booth has had two pints and decided he wants to be a knight of the realm (which was a Scott Disick plotline in Keeping Up With The Kardashians)

This week's main suspect is a man called Cyril Bibby whose alibi is that he was in Wales eating eel with his mum at the time of the murder.

I am so delighted that Zack is using the idea of professional ethics and patient confidentiality to stop unprofessional psychiatrist Lance Sweets from revealing that Zack is NOT a murderer.

I had forgotten that Unprofessional Psychiatrist Lance Sweets reveals that his birth mother is a psychic at the circus and thus he can help Bones and Angel get a gig as a knife-throwing act. They assure us it is VITAL for the solving of a murder.

Vital.

The ONLY way to solve the crime.

I really need to speak to whoever signs their expense reports.

Oh no. I think the next one is the one with the spectral visions of Luc Robitaille for some reason.

"Remember that guy I punched so hard I broke my hand, Bones? WELL this is his corpse that I just absentmindedly grabbed evidence from without gloves, thus compromising it. ANYWAY, I guess I'm a suspect TOODLEOO!"

A few episodes ago Bones tried to fire her dad (the definite-but-acquitted murderer who was only acquitted because Bones introduced HERSELF as another possible murderer and thus DOUBT ensued) from being a schoolteacher at the Jeffersonian because it would be unprofessional.

Like, "no, you may not tell these children about refraction, because THAT would be crossing a line"

And why did no-one arrest Bones after she named herself as a murder suspect with ample opportunity and ability? Where was Puckish Lawyer Caroline Julian THEN?

Oh. Puckish Lawyer Caroline is telling PRIME SUSPECT Angel that he can ONLY be a little bit involved with the case.

And Bones is refusing to work on the case without him. Presumably only because he has promised not to teach any children about refraction. Because of professionalism.

Hello, so Angel has been kidnapped because the Unprofessional Bug And Slime Guy Hodgins stole evidence from the FBI.

So far the repercussions for this are: Bones is a bit cross with him.

So a ghost helped Angel escape from a miniature yellow submarine inside a boat (kind of a naval murder turducken) and tried to help Angel realise he was in love with Bones.

You will be FLUMMOXED! to discover that no-one at the Jeffersonian will face any repercussions for a) theft of evidence b) premeditated conspiracy and c) beating up a suspect.

In the next episode Angel has a herniated disc and insists on conducting interviews with suspects via Skype while wearing a dressing gown and a girdle and high as a kite on painkillers. And, like, I'd say that this is Not Professional, but what does that even mean at this point?

PS this episode's victim is an attractive booth assistant at a sci-fi and fantasy convention. IMAGINE the sensitive rendering this is getting on-screen.

Actual dialogue from the show:

Bones: "We can't auction off evidence"
Unprofessional Psychiatrist and LITERAL FBI EMPLOYEE Lance Sweets: "Oh. I never thought of that."

It did not occur to any of them that winning the item that was so desirable someone had already killed for it in their fake auction might mean someone would attempt to kill them, the new owners.

(The Depressed Intern is now sleeping with the suspect he picked up at the fake auction)

Bones' staff are handling a non-binary presenting colleague VERY BADLY. BLEH.

Angel is trying to brute force a solution to a murder investigation by shouting ice hockey metaphors at Poor And Sporty Intern Wendell because National Security is happening.

Did you know that the highly delicate work conducted at the Jeffersonian takes place on a raised platform in the middle of an atrium which is protected by, like, laser beams you need a keycard to switch off, but can ABSOLUTELY just walk through and just set the alarm off?

IMAGINE how that would be in real life. "Well, we just assumed that criminals would adhere to the system of not walking through the beams because they have no keycard. Surely they would fear the alarm and thus TURN BACK defeated."

Or "SHIT, SORRY, my lab coat grazed the beams and now the siren is sounding again - CARL can you turn it off?"

Also people clearly do their best work when they are subject to scrutiny from all sides AND from the balcony above.

And this is BEFORE we get to the fact that a lot of the crimes are being conducted by people WITH KEYCARDS IN THE JEFFERSONIAN

"IS THE VICTIM A CHICKEN/HUMAN HYBRID SUPERSOLDIER CREATED BY DARPA?" the forensic anthropology team (with specialist expertise in what causes deviations in bone growth) ask as their first response to discovering a man with a sinus condition who works at a chicken plant.

Well, Bones - the top expert of all the experts - did not ask this initially. Bones, who works with the FBI every day and has frequently tangled with governmental institutions and questions of national security, asks what DARPA is.

You know. The DARPA whose technology likely filters into everything the Jeffersonian uses. And whose classified activities are likely referenced by Rich Conspiracy Theorist Hodgins every other day. That DARPA.

It is very upsetting that Angela didn't say BASIC as a pun here during Bones' foray into esports...

It is the episode where the team are basically kidnapped by the government's product supply team so that they can do a pretend investigation of JFK's skeleton

Side plots include: the fact that the head of the lab is apparently ferreting around in the bins of the toilet, finding pregnancy tests, the fact that Angel is apparently related to John Wilkes Booth, and the fact that Angel's boss still wants to bone Bones.

Ultimately JFK's bits are found to float in pudding, and thus Angel can stop having an existential crisis about all that snipering he did on the government's say-so.

Puckish Lawyer Caroline has got the team back together after they were scattered to the winds by... dramatic devices? and the Jeffersonian lab was taken over by a woolly mammoth.

Bones has been binge-watching Jersey Shore and I have never found her more relatable

It was an ice-related wiffle bat murder.

AN ICE-RELATED WIFFLE BAT MURDER!

I will say that Angel's placeholder girlfriend who is there for the dramatic romantic tension is handled a bit better than most placeholder partners. I mean, she and Bones try to be friends and figure out how to navigate the weirdness at least

But also, enough with shows demonstrating that people are soulmates by having them pick out the perfect gift. I have been with my partner for seven years and every Christmas is a TRIAL.

...mum? Is that you?

"Angela, some new facts have come to light and we need you to make some changes to the victim ID image..."

Unprofessional Psychiatrist Lance Sweets cutting a session with a client short because Angel runs in and demands his time is normal Unprofessional stuff. Sucks that the writers' go-to reveal for the session is that someone super male-coded is transitioning.

I should say that the thrust of the joke is Sweets' unprofessionalism and his willingness to just run out on clients when there's a lot they want to say, but the shorthands at play here tap into a lot of lazy bullshit.

Back at the lab an in-universe version of Bill Nye (Bunsen Jude The Science Dude) has decided to intern on the murder investigation to try and force Bones to be on his kids show. Does he have clearance? You better believe not!

Bunsen Jude The Science Dude's time in the Jeffersonian has clearly affected his judgement, because he allows Bones to address the children while dressed as the remains of Mickey Mouse

Aww, a little Alex Trebek presence in today's ep given it mentions Fact Loving Intern Mr Nigel-Murray's million dollar Jeopardy win

(Obviously, Fact Loving Intern Mr Nigel-Murray immediately applied the Jeffersonian's characteristic levels of good judgement and thinking more than five minutes into the future re: spending that money and is now broke and back at the Jeffersonian.)

Meanwhile: NEWMAN's big bar of chocolate has a surprise murdered lady fondant filling

"The Cocoa Bean Symposium in Baltimore"

Unprofessional Psychiatrist Dr Lance Sweets tells a teacher how unprofessional she is for having an affair with a student.
In the next scene Lance Sweets agrees to help his girlfriend cheat on an FBI psych evaluation. When caught kissing her, he pretends she is a client.

Bones is currently sleep deprived and possibly hallucinating a manic pixie dream night watchman who gives her life advice. "What could go wrong?" you ask. Well, she almost gets killed and then confesses her love for Angel and sobs the whole way home.

So it's probably one of the Jeffersonian's more professional days.