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CW: dysphoria/horror-show
Pre-puberty dissociation was strong for me. What this means is that regardless of the physical abuse employed pre-puberty to affirm my maleness, I still didn’t believe I’d develop into a man.
When puberty began at 13, it turned macabre horror-show fast
Pre-puberty dissociation was strong for me. What this means is that regardless of the physical abuse employed pre-puberty to affirm my maleness, I still didn’t believe I’d develop into a man.
When puberty began at 13, it turned macabre horror-show fast
Prior to puberty, I just had no clue what was coming. I didn’t grasp biology and human development. It’s not that I didn’t know my existence was off. I insisted to my family for years I wasn’t a boy, that I was a girl in fact. (re: physical abuse)
I had enough dissonance to believe it wouldn’t happen. That I’d never get facial hair. That I’d somehow develop the “right way.” So when facial hair started coming at 13, coupled with the flooding of disaster-hormone in my brain, a despair set in I’ve not felt since.
CW!
I began smashing my genitals around the time they started changing with everything else.
I’d spend hours in the tub, smashing and squeezing them until I could no longer stand the intense pain.
I’d also shave skin off my face to stop the facial hair. (Another story)
I began smashing my genitals around the time they started changing with everything else.
I’d spend hours in the tub, smashing and squeezing them until I could no longer stand the intense pain.
I’d also shave skin off my face to stop the facial hair. (Another story)
CW!
One night, at 13, it went too far. The trauma of blunt force and my attempt to twist them and cut off the blood actually worked. I didn’t know it for a few hours. But it worked.
When I woke up later that night, I crawled to my mom’s room wailing tears of pain.
One night, at 13, it went too far. The trauma of blunt force and my attempt to twist them and cut off the blood actually worked. I didn’t know it for a few hours. But it worked.
When I woke up later that night, I crawled to my mom’s room wailing tears of pain.
CW!
She did the only thing she could think of: she took me to the ER where they had to surgically correct what I’d done.
Sad part of it is I remember waking up in the recovery room upset because they “fixed” them. They were still there. After all this. I wanted to die.
She did the only thing she could think of: she took me to the ER where they had to surgically correct what I’d done.
Sad part of it is I remember waking up in the recovery room upset because they “fixed” them. They were still there. After all this. I wanted to die.
“Another two hours and they wouldn’t have been salvageable.”
“Why couldn’t I hold out in pain for another couple of hours?” I thought to myself.
After all this, I gave up fighting & turned to drugs for many years. If I couldn’t have my reality, I’d distance myself from theirs.
“Why couldn’t I hold out in pain for another couple of hours?” I thought to myself.
After all this, I gave up fighting & turned to drugs for many years. If I couldn’t have my reality, I’d distance myself from theirs.
People at school knew I had genital surgery, they just didn’t know why. The men in my family laughed it off as “blue balls,” but my doctor told my mom it was trauma related. She never brought it up, and neither did I.
So when you hear “concerns” about puberty blockers and about affirming trans kids, realize that these concerns are only valid if one values the life and mental/physical/emotional health of a trans kid less than they value their own BS “concerns” about bone health or some shit.
Blockers would’ve saved me immense grief and pain. Affirmation would’ve enabled me to live a more productive and happy life for the first three decades or so.
I’m here to tell this story. A lot of trans people don’t make it because of the monster that is gender dysphoria.
I’m here to tell this story. A lot of trans people don’t make it because of the monster that is gender dysphoria.
There’s such a wide chasm between the lived experiences of trans people, especially trans kids, and cisgender people. Understandably. Gender dysphoria is hard to wrap your head around if you never experience it!
Which brings me to my final point.
Which brings me to my final point.
Listen to trans people.
The opposite of the benefit of the doubt is projection. You’re either listening to trans people and taking them at their word OR you’re projecting your own theories gleaned from mainstream media onto them.
Give trans people the benefit of the doubt...
The opposite of the benefit of the doubt is projection. You’re either listening to trans people and taking them at their word OR you’re projecting your own theories gleaned from mainstream media onto them.
Give trans people the benefit of the doubt...
Listen to them when they tell you their REAL pain & suffering. Help them by at the very least standing down, minding your cis business, & letting them access the care they need.
I tell this story to narrow the chasm. Take my story & help someone avoid re-living it.
I tell this story to narrow the chasm. Take my story & help someone avoid re-living it.
Apologies for such a gross thread on this beautiful Saturday morning. 
Have a great day!
Have a great day!
I appreciate your sentiments, I do! But just to be clear, I’m free of all that and have been for years. It’s not painful anymore. It’s over and done and is a closed chapter.
But I hurt for those who are still hurting. I hope my truth will help someone else.
But I hurt for those who are still hurting. I hope my truth will help someone else.
