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During a recent presentation I gave on how non-monosexuals can support #bisexual and #pansexual people, a man asked the following "question":
Man: I think there is something important to queerness about being able to critique heteronormativity through humor . . . ?
Man: I think there is something important to queerness about being able to critique heteronormativity through humor . . . ?
Now, I've given a few presentations.
And I've met a few men.
And I've heard a few "questions."
Here's what this man wanted to ask me.
"I reeeeeeaallllly want to continue to make fun of bisexual people in different sex relationships, but you made it so sad! Can I please??"
And I've met a few men.
And I've heard a few "questions."
Here's what this man wanted to ask me.
"I reeeeeeaallllly want to continue to make fun of bisexual people in different sex relationships, but you made it so sad! Can I please??"
I replied as best I could with sincerity and good assumptions. I told him that jokes about heternormativity have hurt me in the past, as someone in a different sex relationship.
And I told him that I try to locate my critiques at a larger target: the patriarchy.
And I told him that I try to locate my critiques at a larger target: the patriarchy.
I gave an example:
People often make fun of "straight" girls and "bare minimum twitter." Making fun of women for being pleased that a man texted you back, which is just an actual human thing to do.
But when you step back your critique and look at the CAUSE of the bare minimum-
People often make fun of "straight" girls and "bare minimum twitter." Making fun of women for being pleased that a man texted you back, which is just an actual human thing to do.
But when you step back your critique and look at the CAUSE of the bare minimum-
- you find two things:
1) It's not just "straight" girls. Everyone lets men skate by on the barest minimum, and
2) It's the patriarchy that tells us men need only to act in a nonviolent / non-assholeish way to deserve our loudest laudations.
1) It's not just "straight" girls. Everyone lets men skate by on the barest minimum, and
2) It's the patriarchy that tells us men need only to act in a nonviolent / non-assholeish way to deserve our loudest laudations.
So what is the IMPACT of making fun only of "straight" girls letting men skate by on the bare minimum?
It erases #bisexual and #pansexual women who like men.
It ONCE AGAIN blames women for their movement within the patriarchy, rather than the patriarchy that calls those shots.
It erases #bisexual and #pansexual women who like men.
It ONCE AGAIN blames women for their movement within the patriarchy, rather than the patriarchy that calls those shots.
Mocking "heteronormativity" only does one thing:
It alienates those who it targets.
Mocking "heternormativity" does not dismantle the patriarchy. It does not teach lessons. It does not build bridges. It does not give succor. It does not support mental health.
It alienates those who it targets.
Mocking "heternormativity" does not dismantle the patriarchy. It does not teach lessons. It does not build bridges. It does not give succor. It does not support mental health.
The question man was very persistent. He REALLY wanted to make fun of #bisexual people. He really wanted my permission.
I refused to give it.
I refuse to let someone make a SYMPTOM of the patriarchy the butt of their joke, when the sickness is one step back, right there.
I refused to give it.
I refuse to let someone make a SYMPTOM of the patriarchy the butt of their joke, when the sickness is one step back, right there.
Critique the SYSTEM.
Don't critique those who participate in the system so that they can fucking survive.
(Plus are you fucking serious that this guy doesn't ever fall into the heteronormativity trap himself? He was literally wearing a polo shirt. But I didn't say anything.)
Don't critique those who participate in the system so that they can fucking survive.
(Plus are you fucking serious that this guy doesn't ever fall into the heteronormativity trap himself? He was literally wearing a polo shirt. But I didn't say anything.)
Ok, I'm just gonna come out and say it: @autostraddle's "Straight People Watch" makes me so sad, because all I can see is:
1) A bunch of people who might not be straight; and
2) A bunch of women (mostly) struggling to find happiness in a system that constantly undermines it.
1) A bunch of people who might not be straight; and
2) A bunch of women (mostly) struggling to find happiness in a system that constantly undermines it.
Time to talk about stats (your fave!)
Did you know that very few bisexual+ men are out to the important people in their lives?
I wonder, like, if question-man knows any bi+ guys. You think they'd come out to him?
Did you know that very few bisexual+ men are out to the important people in their lives?
I wonder, like, if question-man knows any bi+ guys. You think they'd come out to him?
Back in April, I wrote for @Rewire_News about the causes of anti-bisexual sentiment.
Turns out lots of people don't like #bisexual people. Mostly because bisexuality confuses them.
And anti-bisexual sentiment has such an impact on bisexual people. https://rewire.news/article/2018/04/25/know-biphobia-harmful-know-whats-behind/
Turns out lots of people don't like #bisexual people. Mostly because bisexuality confuses them.
And anti-bisexual sentiment has such an impact on bisexual people. https://rewire.news/article/2018/04/25/know-biphobia-harmful-know-whats-behind/
This totally messed me up:
#Bi folks face more bias from straight folks than gay and lesbian folks, but the bias from gay and lesbian people? It hurt. WAY more. So much that the impact of the bias was the same.
#Bi folks face more bias from straight folks than gay and lesbian folks, but the bias from gay and lesbian people? It hurt. WAY more. So much that the impact of the bias was the same.
Here's a little more nuance about critiquing "heteronormativity":
The critique often skews towards: lol a couple that looks like a femme woman and a butch guy. lol I bet he doesn't go down on her. lol I bet she has to cook. lol her life must suck.
That's not . . . critique.
The critique often skews towards: lol a couple that looks like a femme woman and a butch guy. lol I bet he doesn't go down on her. lol I bet she has to cook. lol her life must suck.
That's not . . . critique.
That's just . . . mockery? Which is a choice, but at least be blunt about it so I can block you online and avoid you in real life.
Secondarily, around nuance, critiquing the "heteropatriarchy" ignores the work that queers and straight women have put in for LITERALY MILLENNIA to resist the poison of the patriarchy and/or merely find a way to survive within it.
Guess what survival can look like for some people?
Assimilation.
You gonna mock women who adhere to patriarchal norms about clothing in order to fit the assumptions of their families and workplaces? You gonna mock men who are afraid to cry because they might face violence?
Assimilation.
You gonna mock women who adhere to patriarchal norms about clothing in order to fit the assumptions of their families and workplaces? You gonna mock men who are afraid to cry because they might face violence?
Sorry - I could go on. I was so pissed. And question-man tried to academically steamroll my co-presenter and I, which I am SO not into. Fuck off with your jargon, dude.
Anyway, tell me your thoughts. Should we critique "heternormativity"? Is "heteronormativity" even a thing?
Anyway, tell me your thoughts. Should we critique "heternormativity"? Is "heteronormativity" even a thing?
