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Giuliani really has a talent for putting defense arguments as unconvincingly, unappealingly, and suspiciously as possible.
If his son were a Manhattan gynecologist he’d go around saying “my boy spends his days fingering women near the park.”
If his son were a Manhattan gynecologist he’d go around saying “my boy spends his days fingering women near the park.”
No seriously. If Rudy were defending someone at trial he’d tell the jury “Ladies and gentlemen, in America we believe it’s better for ten crazed child stranglers to go free [gestures broadly at his client] than one innocent man be imprisoned.”
Judge: “......this is a tax case”
Judge: “......this is a tax case”
Judge: Mr. Giuliani, how does your client plead?
Giuliani: Not guilty! My client has no idea how drifters got in his crawlspace.
Judge: well, fine, but he’s charged with securities fraud.
Giuliani: he doesn’t know about the Amazon stock
Judge: AT&T stock
Giuliani: or that
Giuliani: Not guilty! My client has no idea how drifters got in his crawlspace.
Judge: well, fine, but he’s charged with securities fraud.
Giuliani: he doesn’t know about the Amazon stock
Judge: AT&T stock
Giuliani: or that
Judge: Mr. Giuliani, how does your client plead?
Guuliani: Oh Your Honor, he’s all, “pleeeease, Rudy, I can’t got to jail, you’ve got to help me, I didn’t mean to strangle another one, I just get so angry”
Judge: ....
Giuliani: [makes ta-da gesture]
Judge: [puts face in hands]
Guuliani: Oh Your Honor, he’s all, “pleeeease, Rudy, I can’t got to jail, you’ve got to help me, I didn’t mean to strangle another one, I just get so angry”
Judge: ....
Giuliani: [makes ta-da gesture]
Judge: [puts face in hands]
Judge: Mr. Giuliani, are you making an opening statement?
Giuliani: Yes judge. [to jury] Ladies and gentlemen there are two questions before you today. Do cocktail waitresses have unforeseeably fragile necks? And did my client break one?
Jury: ...
Giuliani: just like fuckin SNAP
Giuliani: Yes judge. [to jury] Ladies and gentlemen there are two questions before you today. Do cocktail waitresses have unforeseeably fragile necks? And did my client break one?
Jury: ...
Giuliani: just like fuckin SNAP
Judge: Mr. Giuliani, your client is charged with recklessly....
Giuliani: This is an outrage Your Honor. My client is not reckless. Everything he does, he does knowingly and intentionally.
Judge:...
Giuliani: And willfully!
Prosecutor: [Slowly puts legal pad back in briefcase]
Giuliani: This is an outrage Your Honor. My client is not reckless. Everything he does, he does knowingly and intentionally.
Judge:...
Giuliani: And willfully!
Prosecutor: [Slowly puts legal pad back in briefcase]
Giuliani: Oh here, I see what the problem is. Your hands are a little swollen! Here, let me help. [tugs gloves smoothly down over OJ’s hands.
OJ:....
Giuliani: See, fits “like a glove!” My client is no big-handed criminal! ha Ha ha !
Cochran: [right eye twitches]
OJ:....
Giuliani: See, fits “like a glove!” My client is no big-handed criminal! ha Ha ha !
Cochran: [right eye twitches]
[At a naturalization hearing]
Immigration Judge [going through checklist]: Mr. Giuliani, does your client advocate the overthrow of the government by force or violence?
@RudyGiuliani : Violence.
Judge: No, it's not...
Giuliani: Definitely violence.
Immigration Judge [going through checklist]: Mr. Giuliani, does your client advocate the overthrow of the government by force or violence?
@RudyGiuliani : Violence.
Judge: No, it's not...
Giuliani: Definitely violence.
[Voir Dire]
@RudyGiuliani: Can you suspend judgment until all the evidence is in?
Prospective Juror: I guess
Giuliani: Even if my guy seems just totally obviously guilty.
PJ: ....yes?
Giuliani: I mean just nailed to the fuckin' wall here, you understand.
Client: oh coitus
@RudyGiuliani: Can you suspend judgment until all the evidence is in?
Prospective Juror: I guess
Giuliani: Even if my guy seems just totally obviously guilty.
PJ: ....yes?
Giuliani: I mean just nailed to the fuckin' wall here, you understand.
Client: oh coitus
Giuliani: I move to dismiss the conspiracy indictment.
Judge: On what grounds?
Giuliani: "Conspiracy" is not a thing. Two people cannot commit the same crime. It's like two people wearing the same pair of pants. They'd fall over!
Judge: .....
Giuliani: Res ipsa facto judge
Judge: On what grounds?
Giuliani: "Conspiracy" is not a thing. Two people cannot commit the same crime. It's like two people wearing the same pair of pants. They'd fall over!
Judge: .....
Giuliani: Res ipsa facto judge
. @RudyGiuliani: Jake, it's not a campaign finance violation because it's not a donation
@jaketapper: Why?
Rudy: You make a campaign donation to show support. You're PROUD of it! President Trump was trying to HIDE these.
Jake: Who is it who decides to let you keep doing this
@jaketapper: Why?
Rudy: You make a campaign donation to show support. You're PROUD of it! President Trump was trying to HIDE these.
Jake: Who is it who decides to let you keep doing this
