Read on Twitter
So. We're now in the Jewish month of Elul, the month leading up to Rosh Hashana. It's a time to traditionally do a deep accounting of the soul, to understand who we are and work to make repairs that must be made.
A thread on this work, useful for anybody (not just Jews).
A thread on this work, useful for anybody (not just Jews).
I'll talk about the hard work of tshuva--repentance, returning--in a second. But first I want to offer a practice from my rabbi, Rabbi Alan Lew, z'l.
He would suggest you look one area of your life--food, money, or sex, and I'd add in this day and age also technology.
He would suggest you look one area of your life--food, money, or sex, and I'd add in this day and age also technology.
So: food, money, sex, tech. Pick one of them. Not all of them. And spend the next month paying really, really close attention to how you are with it.
For example: When you eat--how do you feel? What choices to you make? When do those choices feel like they're nourishing you? When do you make choices that take you away from that feeling? Why? What's going on with you in those moments? Look compassionately, curiously.
When you eat are you gulping down food, or chewing slowly? Do you let yourself experience the pleasure of the food, the tastes? What is the narrative in your head when you make choices about whether to eat, what to eat, and while you're eating?
Or with tech--when do you reach for your phone? What are you tuning out of in three dimensions? What are you tuning into in your phone/computer? How are you feeling 30 seconds before you make that choice? What does the tech bring? How do you feel during? After? Etc.
Or sex: Again, what's going on with your choices? How are you feeling? How are you connecting--or not--to the other person? To yourself? When do your actions and your desires align, and when not? When and how do you communicate them? What is happening within moments b4 a choice?
Money: When does spending feel aligned with what you want? When do you withhold because you're not allowed? How does that feel? When do you indulge even though you shouldn't? Why? What's going on with you? And so forth.
If you pay close attention to one area of your life and try to unpack the dysfunctions--and moments of alignment--you can see your whole life illuminated, a universe in a grain of sand. That can be ENORMOUSLY informative.
Try not to judge yourself, or shame yourself.
Just look with compassionate curiosity, like a bystander who wants to understand a person in pain so that the can help. OK?
Just look with compassionate curiosity, like a bystander who wants to understand a person in pain so that the can help. OK?
(More on tshuvah later, gotta go.)
With all of them (sex/food/tech/money): What are the feelings that you're giving yourself space to feel? What feelings aren't you giving yourself space or permission to feel? What is the fear driving some of your choices? What's that fear trying to tell you? Etc.
OK, here are some threads on tshuvah/repentance/return. Start here: https://twitter.com/TheRaDR/status/909480049690193920
Here's a chart (upthread) and my tweaks on it: https://twitter.com/TheRaDR/status/983478026183864321
Handy reminder: https://twitter.com/TheRaDR/status/1008815573655015424
Nother thread: https://twitter.com/TheRaDR/status/1021630363557355520
American thread: https://twitter.com/TheRaDR/status/537109676673204224
If you read all those, you should have a pretty clear idea what tshuvah work involves. It involves a lot. Own the harm you did--ideally publicly. Do amends work if it's possible. Do MASSIVE inner work to change--more than can be accomplished in one month, but get going on it.
And apologize--not AT the person, but to them; put yourself in a space of vulnerable, empathetic listening as you offer your sincere regrets and apologies. Know that sometimes doing so might harm the victim further and navigate that sensitively--don't do more harm.
But most of the stuff that most of us do is not (hopefully) going to retraumatize someone. It's just uncomfortable and scary to own our mistakes, selfishness, lack of impulse, etc. Too bad. Enter the discomfort. But only after you've started to do the work to become different.
And Maimonides says that if you apologize with no intention of choosing differently next time, you're like someone who enters a ritual bath (mikveh) with a creepy crawly critter in your hand--it doesn't do the thing. So don't. Have a plan in place for next time.
Remember that tshuvah work is one thing, forgiveness is something else. Nobody OWES you forgiveness. (I have a longer critique of Maimonides I'll write up someday on this. & there is space in both Maimonides and Shulchan Aruch for not-forgiving, I'll explore here at some point).
You did harm, you have to live with that. Engage that with humility. Use it as a chance to be transformed into a better person. Keep your eyes on your own blue book. Let the person you harmed have their own process, but don't look to them to fix it for you. Fix yourself.
We're all human. We have all strayed from who we need to be this year. We've all hurt people this year. This is the season to own what of that you haven't yet. What's the work you need to do now?
If you're looking for a book on all this stuff, go straight to Rabbi Lew. This is your one-stop shopping for the season: https://www.indiebound.org/book/9780316739085
