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When you're feeling down you should talk "they" say. Only this does not help in the slightest if people don't have the ability to comprehend what you're telling them. You end up feeling invalidated and unheard and more distressed and vulnerable. And that's a tiny bit fucking shit
So, if you do have someone who has taken the scary step to reach out for help and to open up, please don't tell them it can't be that bad as they seem fine to you, because that's really dismissive and minimising. Please just listen to what they are actually saying.
Of course they probably seem fine. Because they are more than likely hiding the majority of their pain for the comfort of others. So when someone who has been doing that reaches out, please know they are the polar opposite of fine and they are saying they can no longer manage it.
Please just LISTEN WITHOUT JUDGEMENT. Please do not interrupt. Please do not dismiss what they are saying because it makes you feel uncomfortable or because you don't know what to say. You do not need to "fix" the issue. YOU REALLY DO ONLY JUST NEED LISTEN in most cases.
Let the person know you hear them, and that their pain is valid and that you care and will support them in whatever way is most suitable for THEM.
Please don't try and offer throwaway motivational or positive mental attitude stuff. There's a time and place for that and it's likely not when someone is at their most vulnerable and are needing to be heard, without you panicking about a quick fix for *this*.
Please don't tell them not to be sad or upset or not to cry or that you hate seeing them sad. They know this. That just invalidates the feelings that they've most likely been bottling up or numbing, and they'll need to feel those distressing emotions in order to work through them
Please do ask them what they think they need or what may help them in that moment. They may not know yet, but asking may be helpful. Ask them what you specifically can do to help them. It may just be a non judgemental listening ear. Or it may be something more practical.
If you are overwhelmed and don't feel able to help. Please let them know you will continue to listen if you are able to, but that for more involved support you will help refer them to someone / somewhere better equipped to deal with their needs. AND THEN STICK TO YOUR WORD.
Maybe ask them if they have spoken with their GP if that seems appropriate. Try and establish how much support they have. If not much, it may be you could help them contact the @MindCharity or other similar orgs as they may have befrienders so your friend feels less overwhelmed.
Also if appropriate, there may be self referral mental health services in their area which can offer a shorter term solution whilst they're on a waiting list for specific therapy. It may seem overwhelming for them to think about, so they may be grateful for your help with that.
Please then check in on them, but most of all, be guided by them. They may find they just needed a one time place to vent; but someone else may need a little more emotional support. As mentioned, please ask them what they think is most helpful / useful to them.
They may not know what will help. And that's fine. Keep lines of communication open. Most importantly by listening without judgement. Just because you managed a certain problem OK, doesn't mean someone else will as they may also have other matters that are bothering them.
It may seem difficult to simply listen without trying to relate your own stuff as a means to try and understand. But that's not necessarily what's needed as their issues will be particular to their circumstances and themselves, so actually HEARING THEM is what is needed usually.
Obviously everyone's needs will be different and you may gauge whether certain things may be appropriate, such as attempting to be a little light hearted. Just try and be as sensitive as you can and see if you can read their body language and signals as to what is appropriate.
Also, please be careful with the words you use. It would be preferable not to tell someone what you think they "should" do, for example. Try not to express things in a way which could shame them. For example, telling them to stop dwelling or that others have it worse and manage.
Basically they will be feeling crap enough already without adding to that, no matter how well meaning. So please do try and choose your words carefully and think how you would feel if someone were to say to you what you are thinking about saying or doing!
Tl;dr If someone reaches out to you for help or support with an emotional issue, please listen to them with compassion and an open mind, without judgement and without wanting to immediately fix them or the issue. And please try to be sensitive and not condescending.
Thank you x
Thank you x
